Latest posts by Darkest Timeline Zack Morris (see all)
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So, it’s time. You jackasses chose the Cleveland Browns for me after the Rams left, so let’s get this over with.
The Cleveland Browns franchise is a disaster. But there’s hope on the horizon! They herald the return of the most entertaining wideout in the league in Josh Gordon. They brought in rookie wide receivers Corey Coleman and Rashard Higgins to pair with Gordon and actual mutant Terrelle Pryor, and they could be fun to watch!
Unfortunately, they brought in Robert Griffin IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII to get them the ball. RG3 has been pummeled throughout his career, and we aren’t looking at a better outcome behind the Browns’ porous offensive line. Joe Thomas is still there, but losing Alex Mack and Mitchell Schwartz HURTS. RG3 has looked like a punching bag through the preseason, in a startling replay of last preseason, when the Redskins let RG3 get pummelfaced behind the scrubs. Unfortunately, this isn’t the backups in front of him. This is the Browns’ first string.
The backs are OK, nothing to write home about in Duke Johnson and Isaiah Crowell. They’re starting the season with the guys your fantasy team is stuck with at midseason after your good backs are hurt.
Defensively, the Browns will get Joe Haden back and return Danny Shelton, who was pretty great down the stretch last year. They also have some addition by subtraction, dropping bust free agent signing Paul Kruger and mega draft bust (and name of the year champ) Barkevious Mingo. Their pass rush can’t get worse, so replacing these guys seems like a no-brainer. Mingo will, of course, immediately become a pro bowler in New England, but that doesn’t mean he would have ever been good in Cleveland.
The coach is Hue Jackson. Hue Jackson once traded first and second-round picks for Carson Palmer. This was literally the first thing he did after getting personnel power. He also said that it was the greatest trade in football.
Now, I like Hue. I think he works well with QB’s and has a creative offensive mind, but he also had a lot of talent to work with in Cincinnati. He doesn’t have an Andy Dalton here, although Josh Gordon can be A.J. Green-level when he stays on the field.
I think that the best days are in the future for the Browns. A 3-13 or 4-12 season is in the cards, and hopefully they can get Deshaun Watson in the draft next year. I look forward to years and years of disappointment as the newest member of the Cleveland Browns fanbase.
Also, fuck Johnny Football, fuck Justin Gilbert, and fuck that homeless guy forever.