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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Webmaster: Dick Joke Blog at Evil Corp
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle.Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski.They have no children, but do have the world’s cutest dogs.
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

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So, it’s time.  You jackasses chose the Cleveland Browns for me after the Rams left, so let’s get this over with.

The Cleveland Browns franchise is a disaster.  But there’s hope on the horizon!  They herald the return of the most entertaining wideout in the league in Josh Gordon.  They brought in rookie wide receivers Corey Coleman and Rashard Higgins to pair with Gordon and actual mutant Terrelle Pryor, and they could be fun to watch!

Josh Gordon TD
Josh Gordon is talented. Kim Klement/USA TODAY Sports

Unfortunately, they brought in Robert Griffin IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII to get them the ball.  RG3 has been pummeled throughout his career, and we aren’t looking at a better outcome behind the Browns’ porous offensive line.  Joe Thomas is still there, but losing Alex Mack and Mitchell Schwartz HURTS.  RG3 has looked like a punching bag through the preseason, in a startling replay of last preseason, when the Redskins let RG3 get pummelfaced behind the scrubs.  Unfortunately, this isn’t the backups in front of him.  This is the Browns’ first string.

RG3 Evades a sack
He’s actually not getting sacked here.  BUT IT HAPPENS A LOT

The backs are OK, nothing to write home about in Duke Johnson and Isaiah Crowell.  They’re starting the season with the guys your fantasy team is stuck with at midseason after your good backs are hurt.

Defensively, the Browns will get Joe Haden back and return Danny Shelton, who was pretty great down the stretch last year.  They also have some addition by subtraction, dropping bust free agent signing Paul Kruger and mega draft bust (and name of the year champ) Barkevious Mingo.  Their pass rush can’t get worse, so replacing these guys seems like a no-brainer.  Mingo will, of course, immediately become a pro bowler in New England, but that doesn’t mean he would have ever been good in Cleveland.

Barkevious Mingo Punches Greydick Rapeysburger in the gob Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports
Barkevious Mingo Punches Greydick Rapeysburger in the gob. Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

The coach is Hue Jackson.  Hue Jackson once traded first and second-round picks for Carson Palmer.  This was literally the first thing he did after getting personnel power.  He also said that it was the greatest trade in football.

Now, I like Hue.  I think he works well with QB’s and has a creative offensive mind, but he also had a lot of talent to work with in Cincinnati.  He doesn’t have an Andy Dalton here, although Josh Gordon can be A.J. Green-level when he stays on the field.

Wait, I'm coach of WHAT WHERE
Wait, I’m coach of WHAT WHERE

I think that the best days are in the future for the Browns.  A 3-13 or 4-12 season is in the cards, and hopefully they can get Deshaun Watson in the draft next year.   I look forward to years and years of disappointment as the newest member of the Cleveland Browns fanbase.

Also, fuck Johnny Football, fuck Justin Gilbert, and fuck that homeless guy forever.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle. Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski. They have no children, but do have the world's cutest dogs.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
blaxabbath

#oblig

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Bullshit. We chose the Bills for you. I supervised the ballot-box-stuffing myself.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

FUN TIMES IN CLEVELAND TODAY CLLLLEEEEEEEEEVVVVVEEEEELAND

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ysmLA5TqbIY

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You buried this post just like the NFL buried football in St. Louis: quickly, with malicious intent, and somehow Jerry Jones’s fault.

blaxabbath

I honestly hope the Browns don’t pull the #1 pick next year. First, because that kid from Clemson looks pretty good and I’d hate to see his sabotaged by going there (at least not for the current rookie numbers — go ahead and give him a Bradford contract). Second, because whatever value analytics boy pulls for it in a trade (which you know will just be some insane amount once Al Davis has enough power to direct personnel moves from his spot on the side of the head of Professor Quirrell) is going to become the new gold standard of, “What a pick is worth” with the talking heads.

Old School Zero

BARKEVIOUS MINGO ONLY PAWN IN GAME OF FOOTBALL

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s what you get when you hire Paul DePodesta: a general manager who is playing chess while the other general managers are playing checkers*.

*also, the game you are actually playing is checkers.