Fuck you, you KNOW you can/will/do always take an extra helping.

/before writing this, set my DVR for Syracuse/Maryland Friday Night ACC craptacular, to give myself something to “look forward to” when I get back from my daughter’s cross country event.

Squeezing in a mini-Hippo Thought about my Donks’ opener…it’s mystifying in this QB-driven NFL how Cam Newton could play so magnificently and lose, whilst Trevor Fucking Siemian (you will likely see that and other pejoratives often this autumn until it is QuarterPax time in DonksLand) was subpar for your typical scab fill-in. But footy is strange sometimes. Also, MOVE OVER OAKLAND, there’s a new asshole in the AFC West! From sweeping the leg on Kelvin Benjamin at every opportunity to what can only be deemed attempted homicide on Cam Newton (who took it like a man, because he doesn’t get credit for being the stone cold warrior/leader that he CLEARLY is), the black hats are clearly out. Feels…odd?

Back from the fucked-up international break after only three lousy weeks after we just had the lousy fucking Olympics…Lesser Footy will try to re-assert some momentum with the following slate of fixtures, selectively highlighted for your viewing pleasure.

Hey, this will totes help get your blood boiling early! The Manchester Derby, from Old Trafford (7:30 EST, NBCSN), with City’s new keeper (Chilean badass Claudio Bravo) ready to go. Both sides are a perfect 3-0 so far, so one group of Manc arseholes will be especially unbearable next week. God help you if you work with any.

The 10:00 window is reasonably good, with Arsenal/Soton (NBCSN) and Spurs/Stoke (CNBC) the lead options, and well-chosen for a welcome change. Saints are the kind of team that can give the Gooners trouble, in particular. I’d watch that one, for sure. Nobody wants to watch Stoke as their primary choice. Hull lost their unbeaten run in extra time against Manure, we will see if they collapse in full against Burnley (Extra Time).

Liverpool get their delayed (due to stadium construction) home opener against Leicester in the 12:30 showcase on NBCSN. It will be a Redshite wankfest, and I will be glad to swerve it for JV NFL action.

Only one Sunday fixture, a weakened Swans side taking on unbeaten Chelski (11:00, NBCSN). I think I will watch NFL preview stuff instead. Monday Night Footy features Everton against former manager David Moyes and Sunderland (3:00 pm, NBCSN). See, narrative isn’t just limited to American sports! Otherwise, this match gets no highlighting whatsoever.

NC State at East Carolina (Noon, ESPNU)

This is a game that the legislature makes us play, or rather, the legislature made us play (the Basnight political machine is all voted out and/or dead now), and the powers-that-be are too shit scared to rock the boat and give the methheads the finger. My oldest kid, sadly, is studying music education in this God-forsaken town, and will be at this fixture. I politely declined to attend with a FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK NO.

Penn State at Pitt (Noon, ESPN)

A game to prove methamphetamine abuse is not limited to the American South and Ozarks. Also, JoePa is a fucking asshole, and his cultists should burn in hell with him. Hat tip to Sill, if you aren’t pulling for James Conner, you loves teh cancer. And this week…touching middle schoolers.

Kentucky at Florida (3:30, CBS)

Marvel at the cesspool that is the SEC East and the late afternoon window of fixtures. Get up early for the Derby and feel free to nap in the middle here. You won’t miss much, unless you really dig punting and despair (well, who doesn’t but FUCK ME, there’s a limit).

South Carolina at Mississippi State (7:00, ESPN2)

This sure looked more interesting before last week happened, eh?

Arkansas at TCU (7:00, ESPN)

Probably the only game on the slate I am genuinely excited about, which means it will almost surely be a piece of shit, and KY/FL an instant classic. But these are two sleeper teams for November contention.

Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee (8:00, ABC)

Game is at a race track, or some dumb shit like that. These teams are dull as watching cars drive in a fucking circle, so hey…

Washington State at Boise State (10:15, ESPN2)

Late night/DVR/tweaker special! Wazzu is likely garbage, but they should at least score some, and Boise should score a metric fuckton. FUN STUFF. Unlike UVA/Oregon, which will be a more traditional ass-blasting.