Your Early Afternoon NFL Football Slate

Shall we do this? Let’s!

Pack/Jax-Rb Ivory is listed as questionable but the injury is minor. (I just learned that the league did away with the “probable” designation-where was I?) Rodgers should be ready and raring to go now that wr Nelson is at full health. Word is that rb Lacy’s man boobs are at least one cup size smaller. The Jags grabbed Malik Jackson from Denver and he gets to feast on Lane Taylor, a guy with two starts on his CV. I figure Green Bay gets out to a quick lead, extends it and then Bortles and Co. air it out and make it close. Jacksonville is much improved but they’re in a bit deep today.

Bills/Bal-Remember Devin Hester? He’s on the Ravens now. The Ryan Boys look to steal a win on the road against a Baltimore squad that looks a bit meh to me.

Bears/Texans-Qb Osweiler has the luxury of flinging the ball at the catch machine known as wr Hopkins. That’s a nice little safety blanket you’ve got there, Brocky! De Watt will play today because he is of course the gamiest gamer that played this here damn game. The Bears are bringing it 3.5 yards at a time with rb Langford. They also get a special bonus in the first appearance of wr White, the 7th overall pick last year. If things work out for the 6’3″, 220 lb. West Virginny product, and I imagine they will, the Bears will probably let Jeffrey walk after the season. Why? Because Bears fans can never have anything nice, that’s why.

Cle/Phil-Rook qb Wentz goes from pre-season scratch to starting because…Eagles front office wizardry? At least he gets the Browns for his first start. That said, he’ll soon learn that North Dakota State is a long, long, long way from Philly. (Espn still has Bradford listed as the Eagles starting qb on their depth chart) Say a prayer for RG3’s offensive line. And the rb duo of Crowell/Johnson. And the city of Cleveland.

Bucs/Falcs-Tampa looks to be slowly getting their shit together but one problem they have today is that their top 3 cb’s are all 5’11” or under. Did I mention that they’ll be up against Julio Jones? He’s getting 160+ yards as long as qb Ryan remembers what his priorities are. I do think that Winston/Evans/Martin/The D take this one though.

Minny/Tenny-I’m calling it. Rb Henry takes the starting job from DeMarco by week 5. For now they’re calling this backfield Thunder and Thunder. Clever. The Vikes will counter the Titans run game with…the run game. This game should be done in just over 2 hours. Reports indicate that Shaun Hill has the starter honours this week at qb while Bradford brushes up on the playbook/gets a paper cut.

Cincy/NYJ-Eifert is out so it looks like wr Green is The Red Rifle’s only viable option. (the sneaky fantasy guy inside me hopes that rook wr Tyler Boyd gets many of the targets that Sanu and Jones left behind) The Jets have won 9 of the last 11 meetings betwixt these fellas. Beardy McHarvard looks to duplicate his 2015 outlier year and I think he can do it while leaning on the likes of Forte, Marshall and Decker. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Hey Jets, can you put at least a little scare into the Pats this year, please?”.

Oak/NO-These teams combined to lose 7 of 8 pre-season games. Brees will throw for 5 billion yards yet again and the Saints won’t sniff .500 again. Meanwhile Oakland’s youngsters will continue to negotiate that “winning consistently in the NFL” learning curve.

Bolts/Chiefs-Everyone knows that the Chiefs are going to “run and dump” (short passes) but it’s not easy to stop. Yes, talent may have something to do with it but hc Reid’s scrawled-on-a-dirty-napkin schemes do work. Rb Ware averaged 5.6 yards per carry overall and scored 2 TD’s against the Chargers last year. He’s not the home run hitter that Charles is but I’m sure the Chiefs are confident in the work he will do. Many eyes are on rb Gordon after his disappointing rook season. Those that have paid attention in camp note that he’s hitting the hole with authority and looks confident. Qb Rivers needs help from someone else other than wr Allen and aging te Gates.

[wipes pretend sweat from brow] Whew! Glad that’s done. Now sharpen your typing fingers and LET’S GET GOING!!!

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Spanky Datass
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Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass
Member
Spanky Datass

Hmmmm … unsatisfactory, C-minus!

blackroseMD1
Member
blackroseMD1

Meet the new Chargers, same as the old fucking Chargers. Jesus fuck.

Gonna go drink myself into a coma now.

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

Fucking Raiders, play a real damn defense! I hate when teams do this. Stupid zone or prevent.

Spur
Member
Spur

End this game. I need to see the Cowboys play.

Spur
Member
Spur

WTF a flag now….fuck these zebras in New Orleans.

Spur
Member
Spur

Raiders!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moonbatting Average
Member
Moonbatting Average

The NFL is a better place when the Raiders are entertaining. There, I said it

JustStopDude
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JustStopDude

Its like Kansas City has its own unique version…

http://www.nipwls.com/Images/Scholastics/2011/2011%20National%20Banquet%20109a.jpg

of Pedo-bear…

Senor Weaselo
Member

Preteen-wolf?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Member

Raiders playing it smart – going for 2 on the road.

hippofant
Member
hippofant

Jinxed it.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Member

No, I was being serious. Who wants overtime on the road? Go for the win when you can.

Spur
Member
Spur

Going for 2 Raiders

King Hippo
Member

LOVE this

King Hippo
Member

Could have used late King Laserface heroics, but his line cannot block.

King Hippo
Member

Carr getting no help, so BLEERGH intervenes

the Alpha and the Amoeba
Member
the Alpha and the Amoeba

Props to the jags for making it more exciting than I expected, even if it did raise my blood pressure

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Double Play Ball.
Fuck you Detroit.
(you know…over and above how fucked you already are)

King Hippo
Member

predictable, shitty playcalling by JAX and they lose

JustStopDude
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JustStopDude

What the fuck is the Chief’s mascot?

Bortleback
Member
Bortleback

Racism?

King Hippo
Member

a RAT, because that’s less offensive than an actual Native American??

John Difool
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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fleshwound_NPG
Member
fleshwound_NPG

WR screen…oh Jags

Gratliff
Member

So many suicide picks breathe a sigh of relief

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Member

Somewhere, Marty Schottenheimer is smiling.

Brocky
Member

The entire nfc north is facing the entire afc south.

The 3 afc teams that did not make playoffs will likely lose their matchups, and the nfc teams will get no mention of an easy schedule.

The bears losing against the one playoff team, will be met with a non stop uttering of the phrase “you can’t make excuses”

Senor Weaselo
Member

Jets lose in a Jets fashion, Yankees streak snapped… not the best personal sports day thus far.

King Hippo
Member

Go FOAR the score here, Bort.

Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

Welp, Atlanta fucked one of my suicide pool entries.

Spur
Member
Spur

Crabtree is looking good for the Raiders.

Moonbatting Average
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Moonbatting Average

When I was a kid, my best friend at the time almost convinced me to be a Jets fan.

Bortleback
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Bortleback

Is that why you’re not friends any more?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

That doesn’t sound like a real friend

Gratliff
Member

Rivers is gonna have a stroke

King Hippo
Member

WOW, Bolts. WOW.

fleshwound_NPG
Member
fleshwound_NPG

Jags: don’t wanna win
Pack: us, either

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Member

WOO SEAHAWKS GAME AT LAST WOO

Brocky
Member

That’s a fucking hold. Fuck you refs. Green bay doesn’t need help fron you

Gratliff
Member

Are there any Browns fans left now that the city has a real sports franchise?

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