Your Early Afternoon NFL Football Slate

Shall we do this? Let’s!

Pack/Jax-Rb Ivory is listed as questionable but the injury is minor. (I just learned that the league did away with the “probable” designation-where was I?) Rodgers should be ready and raring to go now that wr Nelson is at full health. Word is that rb Lacy’s man boobs are at least one cup size smaller. The Jags grabbed Malik Jackson from Denver and he gets to feast on Lane Taylor, a guy with two starts on his CV. I figure Green Bay gets out to a quick lead, extends it and then Bortles and Co. air it out and make it close. Jacksonville is much improved but they’re in a bit deep today.

Bills/Bal-Remember Devin Hester? He’s on the Ravens now. The Ryan Boys look to steal a win on the road against a Baltimore squad that looks a bit meh to me.

Bears/Texans-Qb Osweiler has the luxury of flinging the ball at the catch machine known as wr Hopkins. That’s a nice little safety blanket you’ve got there, Brocky! De Watt will play today because he is of course the gamiest gamer that played this here damn game. The Bears are bringing it 3.5 yards at a time with rb Langford. They also get a special bonus in the first appearance of wr White, the 7th overall pick last year. If things work out for the 6’3″, 220 lb. West Virginny product, and I imagine they will, the Bears will probably let Jeffrey walk after the season. Why? Because Bears fans can never have anything nice, that’s why.

Cle/Phil-Rook qb Wentz goes from pre-season scratch to starting because…Eagles front office wizardry? At least he gets the Browns for his first start. That said, he’ll soon learn that North Dakota State is a long, long, long way from Philly. (Espn still has Bradford listed as the Eagles starting qb on their depth chart) Say a prayer for RG3’s offensive line. And the rb duo of Crowell/Johnson. And the city of Cleveland.

Bucs/Falcs-Tampa looks to be slowly getting their shit together but one problem they have today is that their top 3 cb’s are all 5’11” or under. Did I mention that they’ll be up against Julio Jones? He’s getting 160+ yards as long as qb Ryan remembers what his priorities are. I do think that Winston/Evans/Martin/The D take this one though.

Minny/Tenny-I’m calling it. Rb Henry takes the starting job from DeMarco by week 5. For now they’re calling this backfield Thunder and Thunder. Clever. The Vikes will counter the Titans run game with…the run game. This game should be done in just over 2 hours. Reports indicate that Shaun Hill has the starter honours this week at qb while Bradford brushes up on the playbook/gets a paper cut.

Cincy/NYJ-Eifert is out so it looks like wr Green is The Red Rifle’s only viable option. (the sneaky fantasy guy inside me hopes that rook wr Tyler Boyd gets many of the targets that Sanu and Jones left behind) The Jets have won 9 of the last 11 meetings betwixt these fellas. Beardy McHarvard looks to duplicate his 2015 outlier year and I think he can do it while leaning on the likes of Forte, Marshall and Decker. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Hey Jets, can you put at least a little scare into the Pats this year, please?”.

Oak/NO-These teams combined to lose 7 of 8 pre-season games. Brees will throw for 5 billion yards yet again and the Saints won’t sniff .500 again. Meanwhile Oakland’s youngsters will continue to negotiate that “winning consistently in the NFL” learning curve.

Bolts/Chiefs-Everyone knows that the Chiefs are going to “run and dump” (short passes) but it’s not easy to stop. Yes, talent may have something to do with it but hc Reid’s scrawled-on-a-dirty-napkin schemes do work. Rb Ware averaged 5.6 yards per carry overall and scored 2 TD’s against the Chargers last year. He’s not the home run hitter that Charles is but I’m sure the Chiefs are confident in the work he will do. Many eyes are on rb Gordon after his disappointing rook season. Those that have paid attention in camp note that he’s hitting the hole with authority and looks confident. Qb Rivers needs help from someone else other than wr Allen and aging te Gates.

[wipes pretend sweat from brow] Whew! Glad that’s done. Now sharpen your typing fingers and LET’S GET GOING!!!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Hearing Terry Bradshaw Talk About The National Anthem is the reason my TV has a mute button.

King Hippo
Member

Terry Bradshaw brought teh Towers down. I have proof. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!111

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

You had me at STFU TERRY BRADSHAW.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

It seriously really is…I love it.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

WOOOOOOOOO

King Hippo
Member

Kill V. Maim, complete with uber-sexy Claire Boucher (aka Grimes) pic is a 1-point favourite! I consider this good name/avatar hustle, so I expect to be rewarded, universe!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I have the same reaction to accidentally hitting “notify me by email” as I did when I got caught masturbating as a kid.

King Hippo
Member

So very excite. REAL REDZONE WOO!!!!

herodotus450
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herodotus450

I think we all know why Marshawn “retired:”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNpkSyryQz4
He showed interest personality and more than 4 words on a non-NFL sanctioned network and was Jordan’d for it.

blaxabbath
Member

Christ, there are so many JJ Watt jerseys behind Lay Glazer that you’d think he was making them in America.

Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

I thought a commercial with 1 Kevin James was annoying. But TWO Kevin James?? That’s just wrong CBS

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Days like today are why I gave DirecTV more of my hard earned (yeah I heard it, LMAO) dollarz than they deserve. Bucs/Falcons and Jets/Benghazi on the locals. If it weren’t for Sunday Ticket and Redzone, I’d be dead already.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Over time, I have grown to prefer just watching one game at once and catching the extended highlights of the others later. Otherwise I have no clue what goes on overall in a given Sunday.

CBQUE
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CBQUE

Brothers & Sisters welcome to another NFL season. Best wishes to all of you and your teams. Fuck the Seahawks for being pussies. Speak to you all throughout the day. Enjoy and be well

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I’m hoping their protest is they pull all their genitals out during the anthem in an effort to woo Beast Mode back.

theeWeeBabySeamus
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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Thanks to whomever moderated me so efficiently.
Giggity.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Randy Moss and Charles Woodson actually make the ESPN pre-game show watchable.

I forgot Moss is an unabashed redneck so hearing him talk is disquieting.

blaxabbath
Member

Per 506, I get GB and JAX for my am game.

At least I’ll get to open the season thinking GB looks fucking terrifying.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

My fantasy football team name: Black Punter Society

Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

My 5 (No idea how I got sucked into 5 leagues):

Brock Turner Overdrive
Hanging with John Brown
Frosted Flaccos
Zeke-A-Virus
Fusilli Jerry Jones

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I barely care about one, so well played on being in five.

John Difool
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John Difool

Got some yard work to do so I’m gonna miss at least the first half of RG3’s coal shoveling skills at his new factory job.

Or maybe I’ll just cut the part of yard the neighbors can actually see,……yea that’s the ticket.

blaxabbath
Member

Fuck them. Cut the part YOU see.

They can get a set of curtains.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member
entropy
Member

I like Katie Nolan. She’s funny and a rather lovely person, plus, she came up with the phrase “garbage human,” which I find hilarious.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

She has done well for herself, her pedigree is that of someone who would be on that site PFT is on now but she has outdone that.

theeWeeBabySeamus
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comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus
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Bob had bitch tits….still nevar not funny.
http://www.thenug.com/sites/default/pub/022814/thenug-vrQ8QAxBkg.gif

John Difool
Member
John Difool

HIS NAME WAS ROBERT PAULSON

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Is this a test, Sir?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Who’s up for some pregame debauchery?
I know Buddy is, but what else is new?
(dick pics to follow maybe)

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member
theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Yep…wait for the NSFW and totes hilarious payoff.

h
ttp://x2.fap.to/images/thumb/47/521/521755509.gif

Spur
Member
Spur

Is Greg Hardy still available? The Cowboys can sign him at anytime?

Fronkenshteen
Member

Chris Ivory downgraded to OUT. He’s in the hospital with an undisclosed injury. Roll out TJ Yeldon with….confidence?

blaxabbath
Member

Probably keeping a bed warm for #unhealthyhillary!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

It says something that it is two hours before the season opener and I can get Jets seats for $29 on SeatGeek.

It also says something that I would rather sit on my ass and be with you degenerates than attend said game. $29 dollars for pizza and beer keeps Buddy happy.

yeah right
Member

I think it’s time to break out the Adrian Peterson white road jersey for this one.

We made it folks. We survived the offseason.

May all of your teams players stay healthy and may your team perform well.

Unless you root for the Patriots or the Packers because fuck those guys.

Spur
Member
Spur

I have a feeling Peterson is going to get hurt. The Vikings new stadium was built on Indian burial ground.

blaxabbath
Member

It’s not an indian burial ground if you write the chief a big enough check.

yeah right
Member

Or the former site of the Metrodome which is actually the same thing.

Spur
Member
Spur
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“We survived the offseason” sounds like something Tammy Reid would say about having used too much cumin in the rub, but all the ribs having been eaten anyway.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“We made it folks. We survived the offseason.”

Sounds like APs kid talking to his testicles.

Spur
Member
Spur

Morning. Let’s do this.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Week 2 of JV NFL hath taken away my will to live.
Yeah, sure…that’s what did it.
Come on NFL…I needz me some redemption. Trying so hard to hate Buffalo right not, but that’s like hating Charlie Brown.
Fuck you Charlie Brown.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

*right now
(fuck you left hand)

entropy
Member

Happy Birthday, Marc Trestman’s Windowless Van:

comment image

blaxabbath
Member

Cowherd on the Fox pregame?

I’m out.

yeah right
Member

Thanks for the warning.

No reason to watch that shit now.

And by shit I mean bullshit.

blaxabbath
Member

SHUT UP AND COOK ME A HUGE SLAB OF BEEF!

entropy
Member

So, my buddy and I drank about 60 beers last night… and at some point, I obtained a fully functional Yamaha Clavinova CLP-390 digital piano/keyboard thing. Can I play the piano? Nope. Did this stop me from carrying this thing down the damn street when I saw it behind someone’s house? Nope.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Nice

entropy
Member

I know, right? I was so happy when I plugged it in and it worked. I mean, this guy left it outside for three days, during the rain, all that…. fair game, right?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Fair game at the very least.
Dibs on the half eaten potato knish stuck to the side tho.

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Woohoo! CBS didnt change their encryption codes. Wall to wall football at work now!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Someone better call the Jelly School, cause I’m gonna need to enroll for a semester.

Redshirt
Member

And so begins another Cincinnati Bengals season

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eZbtAFq7dP8

entropy
Member

Hayden is a Jets fan, and has apparently upped her tits game considerably:

http://cinevip.info/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Hayden-Panettiere-758×1151.jpg

jjfozz
Member

3 beers and one Bloody Mary in! Who has a couch for me to barf on?

Redshirt
Member

Some rednecks across the street are breaking up a couch in their first yard. You can use theirs

entropy
Member

I have keys to my neighbor’s place; you can barf on their couch. No, no, don’t thank me, I’m selfless that way.

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