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25 NFL Questions From An Uninformed and Easily Distracted Fan: Week 2

Cuntler

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 As an homage to the overused sports writing trope of “[X number] Burning, Itching, Throbbing Questions for [X Team/X Sport/X League]”, I present to you a list of questions that I, an uninformed and easily distracted NFL fan, had after Week 2.  For a point of reference, I went to the Cubs v. Brewers game on Saturday, watched a full day of football on Sunday, and went to the Monday Night Football game between the Bears and Eagles. 

 (image c/o Getty Images)

  1. Wow, that Bears team is dogshit, isn’t it?
  2. Is it okay to give up on your team’s season halfway into their week two game?
  3. Should I feel bad that I missed my 7 year-old’s flag football game, and was happy about it?
  4. Why have the Bears turned into a vortex of suck that pulls in free agents and immediately injures them or makes them lose all capacity to function (Trevathan, McPhee, Houston, etc.)?
  5. If Jimmy Garoppolo gets traded to or signs with the Bears, he is doomed, isn’t he?
  6. Why do teams like the Patriots, Steelers, and Broncos replace guys like it is nothing and keep on marching to titles, while teams like the Bears and the Bills exist in a chronic state of “Fuck You”?
  7. At least the Packers slow descent into mediocrity continues unabated, right?
  8. No, I’m not bitter, why do you ask?
  9. Did you know Eagles fans like spelling?
  10. Did you know Eagles fans don’t like it when you yell “JETS! JETS! JETS!” after they finish spelling?
  11. Is it surprising that I thought the Eagles fans weren’t that bad?
  12. Who the hell lives in North Dakota (I am assuming Canadians, bikers, and oil rig workers)?
  13. That Steelers v. Bengals game sure was anti-climatic, wasn’t it?
  14. I wonder what Vontaze Burfict did during the game?
  15. Do you think he sadly wandered around Cincinnati in full uniform, looking for people to spear, listing to “Sound of Silence”?
  16. Why do people in Chicago hate vegetables?
  17. At least the Bears didn’t run out of beer or water or walking space, right, L.A. Coliseum?
  18. Why would 90,000 people sit in 100 degree heat to watch a Rams v. Seahawks game?
  19. I assume that it would be too hot to ram it?
  20. That sounds worse than watching that Monday Night Football game, doesn’t it?
  21. Who is going to get the Number 1 pick, Cleveland or Chicago?
  22. It doesn’t matter, really, does it?
  23. Is this the best summary of a Lions game plan you have ever seen?
  24. The Lions never change, do they?
  25. Sorry for the melancholy tone this week, but has there ever been a more depressing news cycle?  Jesus Christ.
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Doktor Zymm

The Bears have really gotten slowly worse every since I moved to Chicago. I like to think it’s my presence that’s made them awful. Hasn’t worked with the Cubs though.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NFL fans; rape? Fine. Assault with severe bodily injury? OK, we’re good. Vehicular homicide? Good to go my friend. Serial rape using decapitating drugs? Needs to be in the Hall of Fame, first vote!! (Peter King)

http://www.msn.com/en-us/sports/nfl/poll-says-the-nfl%E2%80%99s-most-disliked-player-is-colin-kaepernick/ar-BBwsL2F?OCID=ansmsnnews11

Peaceful protest? HANG HIM!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAANG HIM!!!!!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not sure what decapitating drugs are, but Sharper probably used those too.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We were able to find the Bears’ injury list.

http://blog.lib.uiowa.edu/preservation/files/2011/01/closed.jpg

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montythisseemsstrangetome

Meanwhile, here is Shanahan-era Broncos’ injury list:

http://findicons.com/files/icons/1163/hydroretro_hr_dock/512/hr_blank_folder_dock.png

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“It is a mid and upper body injury.”

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Looks a lot like their list of failed draft picks.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Some of the names match!

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montythisseemsstrangetome

Peter King is having a hard time following your numbered questions.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

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Don T

2. Yes. Giving up on your team midway through the second game is OK. But now? For CHI? The Clausen Puntfest Laydown in Seattle was in Week 3 last year. And the Beats habe better QBs in Hoy– Hoyer and… Matt Barkley?

4. Ha! Turning name FAs into ghosts is a proud Dolphin tradition. There is a shrine just for receivers, below Emilio Estefan’s selfie with Ron Popeil and Satan.

1. The Bears will beat the Titans. So CHI is dry-food diet dogshit.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And the Beats habe better ….. is an interesting band name.

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King Hippo

A6. Because SATAN, silly
A18. to BE SEEN!
A19. have you never been to a bathhouse ,, smgdh

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Fronkenshteen

#10 made me really laugh. Was it you doing the yelling?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

31. Am I a hypocrite for dismissing The Walking Dead as “misery porn” but occasionally reading a Cleveland Browns blog?

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King Hippo

hey, what wrong with misery porn??

/cuts self to favourite Smiths album, re-reads “The Road”

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Don T

This to me was misery porn so pure that it became…
What’s the opposite of porn?
http://cdn.pitchfork.com/media/okcomp452.jpg

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is that the same feeling as deleting your search history right after ejaculation?

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montythisseemsstrangetome

1. Not compared to your 7 year-old’s flag football team, probably.
2. Sure, that’s longer than Cleveland fans made it.
3. Feelings aren’t good or bad, they’re just feelings.
4. Probably just coincidence.
5. You can replace “Jimmy Garoppolo” with “any NFL player” and the answer is still yes.
6. Because the universe is a cold, uncaring place.
7. They’ll still get a wild card spot, though.
8. I didn’t ask.
9. I did knot no taht.
10. Eagles fans have no sense of humor.
11. Is it surprising that you, Cuntler, found them not that bad? No, not surprising.
12. Canadians looking for a place to escape the cold winters.
13. What do the Steelers and Bengals have against the weather?
14. I’d be more curious what Vontaze-Me-Bro did during the game.
15. Appearing in public in full uniform violates the terms of his suspension – 4 games added (Ed. note: this answer provided by Roger Goodell)
16. Sometimes they sneak tiny spinach particles into their sausages.
17. If they didn’t run out of beer, why are you so bitter, Cuntler?
18. I have no answer for this one, but I suspect mental defect that will soon be recognized in the DSM.
19. It is NEVER TOO HOT TO RAM IT!
20. Yes, because you had beer.
21. I find your lack of lack of respect for the Redacteds disturbing.
22. YES OF COURSE IT MATTERS TO OUR LIVELIHOODS (Ed. note: this answer provided by Kiper and McShay)
23. It is the only summary of a Lions game plan I have ever seen.
24. Sometimes they play in London.
25. Yeah, there’s never been any worse news than this (Ed. note: this answer provided by Jesus Christ while hanging from a cross)

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ballsofsteelandfury

Holy Shit this is beautiful!

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Don T

Answer 14 definitely.

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26. Why does Cutler when tackled make a face that suggest he’s just gazed into the abyss?
27. Is the abyss gazing back?
28. Is that why nothing matters to him?
29. Would the average Bears fan be educated enough to even confuse Nietzsche with Nitschke?
30. They all do believe God is dead, right?

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[I] went to the Monday Night Football game between the Bears and Eagles.

LOL

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Did Carson Wentz look poised? I bet he looked poised.

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Don T

I heard the ESPNDeportes feed. It’s pleasant; no Gruden and a lotta facts with some color.
They did have Roberto Garza in-studio, in a grey suit and brown shoes. That cracked me up and made me sleepy.

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