Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 49)

The scene: Wally’s World of Waffles, where Future Clone Debbie Harry and PK are finishing off a 36-inch waffle. Granted, most of the ingestion was on PK’s side of the table. And there are two empty syrup jars in front of him. And a few empty plates that once had side-orders of ham. And a jam jar that looks like it was licked clean. Eww.

PK: Gosh, that was great! Real food again!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (taken aback a bit at the culinary devastation): You know, you weren’t trapped in the past that long…

PK (pouring the last bit of syrup into his coffee): It sure seemed like a long time! It’s like that time I had to wait in line at the Brainerd Lakes airport…

Future Clone Debbie Harry (cutting him off): Look, not that your stories aren’t riveting, but I really want to get going on this whole vengeance thing. So, what can you tell me about this club?

PK (eyeing the single strip of bacon on Debbie’s plate): Were you gonna eat that, or…?

Future Clone Debbie Harry (throwing the bacon at PK): Take it! For frek’s sake…

PK (soaking the bacon in the syrupy remains on his plate): Gee, I’m not sure how much I can help you. I mean, I was only a prospect.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (surprised): What?

PK: Sure, I mean…I was gonna be a full member some day, but…

Future Clone Debbie Harry (frostily): What?

PK (eating the syrup-soaked bacon): Gee, didn’t I tell you that?

Flashback to: 30,000 BC. Future Clone Debbie Harry is under the hood of Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van. PK is grovelling nearby.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Well, the tech is primitive, but I think I can get it working again.

PK: Please take me with you…pleeeeeeasssse…!

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Eh? You’re still here? Look, thanks for helping me find this…vehicle…but I really don’t think I need you anymore.

PK: Pleeeeeeeaaaassseee! I can help you! I’ll do anything! You wanna destroy the DFO, right? I can help you with that! Just don’t leave me here!

Cut to: The present day again.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (getting irritated): No. No, you didn’t tell me that.

PK (shrugging): Must have been my low blood sugar. I get light-headed if I don’t eat for a few hours.

The waitress comes by the table, cocks an eyebrow at the carnage, and drops off the check. Future Clone Debbie Harry looks at it blankly.

PK (looking at Debbie expectantly): That’s the check.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (confused): OK…?

PK: For the waffles. And the ham. And the coffee. And…

Future Clone Debbie Harry (exasperated): What am I supposed to do with it?

PK: Pay it. You know, with money.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: I am an empress! I don’t pay for things! Besides, I don’t have any of your primitive 21st-century currency.

PK: Me neither. Hey, I’ve got an idea! Have you ever heard of dine and dash…?

Cut to: The parking lot of Wally’s World of Waffles. Doktor Zymm’s RV is pulling into a parking spot, next to Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Covalent Blonde gets out of the RV, followed by Moosemas Gorilla, with Horatio Cornblower on his shoulder, and Old School Zero.

Covalent Blonde (kvetching): I still don’t know why you didn’t let me drive…

OSZ: Because Zymm said we could borrow her RV, but only if we were careful with it.

Covalent Blonde: It went into space! It was on the moon! Like I’m gonna damage it driving to the waffle house?

Horatio Cornblower (noticing the van): Hey, guys…

Covalent Blonde (ignoring Horatio): You guys are just sexist, you know that? Women can drive as well as men, y’know.

Horatio Cornblower: Guys? Hey, take a look at this…

OSZ (also ignoring Horatio): It’s not all women drivers that terrify us. It’s just you.

Horatio Cornblower (with a tiny shout): HEY!

Covalent Blonde: What, Horatio? Are you gonna complain about my driving, too?

Horatio Cornblower: Later, probably. But look! Isn’t this Marc’s van?

Covalent Blonde: Marc’s van? We left that back in the past.

OSZ (looking into the van): No, he’s right…I mean, I feel like I’m getting a contact high just being this close.

Horatio Cornblower: But how did Marc’s van get here?

Covalent Blonde (heading for the door): I’m betting the answers are inside…

Cut to: The DFO clubhouse. Ballsofsteelandfury is sticking his head in Doktor Zymm’s lab.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, guys…just wanted to see how things were going…

Sill Bimmons: Friend Balls! Your return is most fortuitous! Our colleague Zymm hast located Moose, faint though his consciousness may be!

Ballsofsteelandfury (stepping into the lab): Hey, that’s great! So can we get him back to normal again?

Doktor Zymm (frowning at her computer screen): I zink zo…but…

Ballsofsteelandfury: But what, Doc?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, Mooze has backed his AI up in a tiny entertainment zubroutine. It vas vell-hidden inside a microkernel. Ve can rebuild him…ve have the technology…

Ballsofsteelandfury: Can we make him better than before?

Sill Bimmons: Aye! Better…faster…stronger….

Ballsofsteelandfury and Sill Bimmons break into a duet, humming the theme to the Six Million Dollar Man. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van enters the lab, “running” in exaggerated slow-motion.

Doktor Zymm (looking up from her computer): Ach! Nein nein nein! Ve do not have time for your juvenile nostalgia!

Sill Bimmons: Apologies, good doctor.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Yeah, sorry. Although it was really cool when he fought Bigfoot.

Sill Bimmons: Aye!

Doktor Zymm: Ja. Ach! Enough! Und Marc, ztop your bionic running.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Huh? Oh, sorry, man! Was I moving in slow-motion again? Sometimes I do that when I’m not, like, paying attention.

Doktor Zymm (rolling her eyes): Look, ze point is zat Mooze ist a very powerful, zophisticated program, und ve can rebuild ze code but…ve still need a power zource for his body. He burned through ze lithium batteries very quickly. Ve need zomezing better…

Cookiethulhu (sticking his head into the lab): I say, I couldn’t help but over hear…

Ballsofsteelandfury: Because you were eavesdropping outside the door, prospect?

Cookiethulhu: Yes, well, not to be a busybody, old man, but I just may have a way through this sticky wicket…

To be continued…