The Green Bay Packers, a football team in the NFC North, are 2 – 1. They have defeated two bad teams (Jaguars, Lions), and lost to one good team (Vikings). Their offense appears to be rounding into shape, and their bend-but-don’t-break defense is the same defense as it has been the last five years. This team is fucking boring to write about. Many of the questions proposed in the season preview remain unanswered, because why the fuck are there Week 4 byes? This is so fucking stupid. Let’s go to Toby from Winnebago for his hot bye week takes.
[Door flies open]
CUNTLER: So, Toby, how are you?
TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO: Uh, pretty good, I guess? I went bow hunting with Dad and my cousins John and Tom this weekend. Dad got a new Polaris 1000 EPS, but Tom thinks he shoulda got the 4 1000 EPS, for, uh, the additional storage. Tom gotta 12 point buck, so it was a good day. We made some sausage in his new grinder from Bass Pro. We’ve all been doin’ pretty good, ya know?
CUNTLER: Great. How are you feeling about the Packers season so far?
TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO: Uh, ya know, it’s goin’ pretty good. That Lions game had me worried, but Aaron Rodgers usually scores enough, uh, for the Pack to win. He and Jordy Nelson have a great connection. I think it has a lot to do with their backgrounds, ya know? Just regular guys havin’ fun out there. Those other guys, like Davante Adams, just don’t get it sometimes. Minnesota’s lookin’ good, though. That’ll be a tough one at Lambeau later this year for the guys, but I think they can win it. GO PACK GO! BEARS STILL SUCK!
/puts in dip
//turns up that Kid Rock song with Sheryl Crow to a reasonable volume.
///slips a Matthews jersey on over his camo Carhartt hoodie
CUNTLER: What are your thoughts on Eddie Lacy this year? He lost a lot of weight in the off-season, but it doesn’t seem like it has transferred to as drastic of an improvement on the field as many had hoped.
TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO: Well, uh, he seems like he is doing alright. My girlfriend, Abby, thinks . . . she’s from Neenah, by the way. You’ve heard of Neenah, right? They have the foundry? A lotta manhole covers are made there? No? She’s a great catch. You wanna see a picture?
(Abby)
We met in middle school, and now she’s a cashier at the Menards up there on Integrity Way in Appleton. Anyway, Abby thinks Eddie will turn things around. Ya know, I think he’s had a lotta trouble adjusting to the cold up here. A lotta those guys do. I think he really misses ol’ John Kuhn’s leadership back there. That guy was all grit, just like JJ Watt. KUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHNNNNNNN!!!!
/opens Spotted Cow
//switches radio to a classic rock station playing “Three Steps”
CUNTLER: How about Julius Peppers and the rest of the defense? Do you think they have enough talent to help take the team to the level they were at in their 2010 Super Bowl season?
TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO: First off, I’d say that it’s Clay Matthews’s defense, ya know? Peppers is kind of, uh, a rent-a-player. Matthews and Dean Lowry are the real leaders back there. I also expect big things from Blake Martinez and Jake Ryan, ya know? I think they got what it takes to bring the “D” together. The defensive line and secondary need to step up, too, but I don’t know much about those guys. Dom Capers, I kinda hate the guy sometimes, but his defenses seem to do well enough most of time, ya know?
/shrugs
//straightens framed Packers stock certificate hung below his GED
CUNTLER: How do you see the rest of the season playing out for the Packers?
TOBY FROM WINNEBAGO: Well, Abby thinks that they’ll go 10-6 and run the table as a wildcard team. I think they’ll get past Minnesota, finish 13-3 and win the whole thing. Aaron Rodgers is, uh, the best, ya know? And with Jordy back, there’s nothing those two can’t do together. And the Claymaker can’t be beat, either. GO PACK GO! Ya know? I guess people may have a different opinion, though. Anyway, I, uh, need to get goin’. I’ve gotta winterize the snowblower before I pick Abby up. Her shift ends at 6:30. Might go grab a butterburger at Culver’s after. Nice talkin’ to ya.
CUNTLER’S UPDATED PREDICTION: 10-6 [I agree with Abby as to the record], wildcard loss.
[…] the zebras, I would predict that they at least make the NFC Championship Game, if not the final. Toby from Winnebago will be so excited that he might even ask Abby if she will churn his butter, if you know what I […]
How, the fuck are we doin’ boys?
I am done with Deadspin as of today; to be fair I am still reading Magary’s shit on my RSS reader, but I don’t have or want to give them clicks.
There occasionally is some editorializing here, but it is done with a modicum of self-awareness and something that makes even people who don’t agree with it a laugh, Deadspin just uses a populist cudgel and just isn’t funny anymore to me. Oh nice, you think you’re speaking truth to power, but you’re the same people just hoping to break stories before anyone else.
Also, this place never paid money to a Quaaluded-out male prostitute trying to blackmail a high profile client. Tommy Craggs and Max Read’s weepy, bitchy defenses of it was what started the ball rolling for me.
Yes, I know they were Gawker but half of Deadspin’s posts now are cross-postings from some site I barely give a shit about under the Univision umbrella.
Counterpoint: The Cardinals loss series was superb trolling and the sort of thing that reminds me of when Deadspin was irreverent and fun.
DO WE NEED TO GO DOWN THERE AND SLAP A BITCH?
*Available bitches for slappin’ does not include Mr. Magary.
Agreed. There is nothing left of Deadspin that is remotely funny. Even Drew kinda mails in the Jamboroos. He’s saving his better writing for other outlets
http://67.media.tumblr.com/cb2a5f3a4cb7c978d610142a284e1f11/tumblr_oe4n0lmDJJ1s01qkyo1_400.gif
I’ve never been more pro-Murder Clown than I am now. “Penn State students mobilize to fight clown threat.” https://twitter.com/i/moments/783326891667251201
Crowd immediately dispersed to their , acting as if nothing was wrong when an update to the clown “sighting” reported the perpetrator(s) as “pedophiles dressed in officially NCAA licensed Penn State coaching staff attire.”
A candlelight vigil and memorial sprung up around the former location of the Paterno statue.
Daggummit. *their dorms…it should read “their dorms”
Happy National Taco Day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3YmHZ9HMPs
That’s a lot better than Tuesday mornings in Baylor’s Title IX office, which are colloquially known as “J’accuse-day”.
Everyday to Miko Grimes is “Jewsday”
It’s hard to say, but it is worth it when you say it.
Now I want to go back to the Saraveza bar, which is so thoroughly a Packers bar my cholesterol level skyrocketed the moment I walked in. It really is fantastic, though. Plus it’s a bottle shop. The problem is that it’s on the other side of Portland from where I live.
Slap Shot is available to stream for free on Amazon Prime. In case you have nothing better to do for the next 90 minutes.
Unless you are John Legend and your wife is otherwise unoccupied for the next ninety minutes, NOBODY has anything better to do for ninety minutes than watch Slap Shot.
Ya, can’t be late pickin’ up Abby today.
She has accordion lessons at 8.
Considering how slim Abby is in that photo, it must be 18 year old Wisconsin Abby and not 28 year old Wisconsin Abby who’s definitely put on at least 30 pounds from successfully drinking boys under the table in Oconomowoc. That being said, she’s as foul-mouthed in the bar as she is in bed, so you’ll have a good old time regardless.
So, she’s being polka’d at 8:05?
Nah, she only let’s him fingerblast her, gotta save herself for marriage, dontcha know?
So noted.
I believe the framing order on that wall would actually go:
– Packers Ownership Certificate
– Hunting Licence
– Billy the Singing Bass
– GED
What about the framed Vince Lombardi photo?
That’s in the shitter next to Jesus.
Ugh, my arteries just tightened at the mention of Culver’s butter burger. My parents love that shit, which is why we’re all going to die sooner than need be.
My girlfriend and I are going to visit her parents this weekend in St. George, Utah, where they’ve retired to. St. George has both a Culvers and an In-N-Out burger. I can’t think there are many places where this is true.
Yeah, Culver’s is pretty terrible. It is Wisconsin Steak n’ Shake, basically.
Wait…
Are you dating a Mormon?
No, thankfully. It’s not a big mormon enclave there, just mostly an “active retirement” community. Her parents are both really into pickleball since moving there. That and European river cruises.
I like the thick shakes at culvers. Their food is shruggable, but I can’t turn down a nice vat of sugary milk fat and egg yolks that’s frozen. I grew up in the Midwest after all.
I mean, they sell something called a Butter Burger. BUTTER BURGER!
I love skiing in Utah, and Salt Lake is close and easy to all of the ski areas, but there really is a “Village of the Damned” vibe in that place.
I have a group of friends that all moved to Portland from SLC, and while not Mormons, they all have stories of survival in such a bizarre environment. Village of the damned sounds accurate.
St. George was downwind of all of the above-ground nuke tests in Nevada.
That it doesn’t glow in the dark is a miracle.
I need to hear more about this “pickleball”
Pickleball is slang for a common affliction of older men in colder regions that do not wash as often as they should.
Whitey’s Ice Cream FTMFW!
Forever and ever, amen.
OSZ is just waiting for the right moment to bring her into the, uh, “fold.”
http://i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/019/812/82748776.jpg
**CLAP, CLAP** **STOMP**
/Shredding air guitar solo
To get into her fold?
I’ve been to St. George. Long ass story, but, in short, that’s a weird ass town.
Now I’m remembering that I have also been to St. George although it involved only a quite stop at a Wal-Mart full of young, beautiful, blonde Mormon women pushing around 3+ kids despite looking younger than I was (I was in my late 20’s at the time).
Two words:
Jack Mormon
I just drove through once and agree; most asses there are weird.
Like I said, it’s more radioactive than Bikini Atoll