Well, I don’t know what gets much scarier than what happened to Donks cult hero Wade Phillips on the sideline of what was otherwise a Most Glorious Pick Six for his defense. (Thankfully, the tubby defensive zen master is alive and well.) But the VERY SCARY STORIES that follow from DFO’s gifted stable of creative Commentists (ie, NAWT me) fits the bill. Better even than last year? YOU BET. Enough to make Steven King seem like Jane Austen? THAT’S AN UNDERSTATEMENT. You will just have to read ’em to believe it.
But in general, fuck Halloween. I don’t costume well, and am not a people person. As always, YMMV.
Leading off this week? OF COURSE, the Most Glorious Overseas Draw, Live From London. That’s two such Hailey’s Comets in the last four fixtures. Hasn’t happened in consecutive weeks since 1997. This shitshow had it all. QBs combining for 800+ yards, but neither looked especially good at all. In fact, the main thing I took away from this one is just how awful both defenses are. I had always assumed basic mediocrity, but not even close. Should either side back into the playoffs, it will be a VERY brief stay. Then, you had the missed kicks, capped by a successful Marvin Lewis kicker icing on a 34-yarder in OT. The coup de grace, though, was Captain Kirk’s Hail Mary from just INSIDE midfield on the last play of OT. It failed to even make the 20, and was a good 5 yards out of bounds. FITTING. As Commentist Thursday Sky Goddess noted (in true Brit fashion), Cincinnati and Washington will take that point. Tyler Eifert and Jordan Reed are quite good, though.
We were SO CLOSE to getting another one, but Jack Del Rio is no fun, and went for it on 4th and 4 from the Tampa 42, around the 2 minute warning of OT. Carr hit Seth Roberts for the game winning TD, eclipsing the 500 yard mark in the process. Carr DID look good, hitting for about 8.7 YPA, so not just a volume thing. Oakland is 5-0 on the road, and 6-2 atop the AFC West. And set the single-game all-time record for penalties (24), because they should maintain some semblance of their original Raider identity, no?
Denver managed to just barely keep pace with their eye-patched rivals, beating back the Chargers 27-19. Christ, do King Laserface and palz ever fight like scalded dogs. But despite woeful QB play (again), enough turnover bounces went the Donks’ way, and that made all the difference. Still, there was ripe stupidity that must be pointed out. Devontae Booker fumbled at the 1 due to his getting the ball ready for the dumbass “high risk/low reward” pylon stretch play we’ve discussed on this page before. Then with like 8 minutes to play, Mike McCoy continued going for 2 (down 5) EVEN AFTER an OPI call pushed them back to the 13. Now, this is just foolish, as the 1 is pretty much still a 90% play, and the 2 is maybe 10-15%. With that much time left, Denver could easily score again (they did) in which case you’d really want that point back, especially if that score was a FG (it was). So, had San Diego later converted its 1st and goal from the Denver 2…they would have needed to go for 2 instead of just 1 because of McCoy’s failure to use some basic logic when the simple scenario got scrambled. Also, zero rushing attempts on said 1st and goal from the 2?? The rush was what hurt Denver all game long.
The Chefs? Yeah, they’re still hanging around, waxing the Humps in the GravyDome behind Nick Foles. To think, the team that lost that kind of game is likely to host a playoff round. And are wasting the prime years of a really special QB.
Home Saints are still a team to be reckoned with, as they showed in the only really well-played game of the early window. Despite giving up an early defensive TD, they rallied, then held on late for a 25-20 win over the SeaTruthers. Charmslinger’s throw on the final play (4th and 2 from the 10, 2 seconds left) found Kearse in the back corner of the end zone, but he couldn’t quite get a second foot down.
The Falcons gutted out a pretty good win of their own, 33-32 over the Packers. Notably, they had the sense to PACE THEMSELVES on the final drive, deliberately burning clock inside the 20 and scoring the go-ahead TD (bullet strike from Matty teh Ice to Sanu) with 0:31 left. You have to understand what game you have on your hands, and this one was a shootout. Mike McCarthy didn’t use his timeouts, “trusted his defense” and is left with his regrets.
Hangover from late night desert tie party? Dunno, but Arizona shat all over themselves in Charlotte, with the final 30-20 score nowhere near indicative of how lopsided an affair it truly was. Jonathan Stewart, TD machine continues to be a thing with no rational explanation. Superman still looks very, very mortal.
I thought Factory had this one in the bag. I really, truly did. Josh McCown was lighting the Jest and their broken down by the side of the road with sad, handwritten “free” sign pass “defense” up like a Christmas tree, to the tune of a 20-7 lead…and they got self-aware?? Anyway, New York ran off 24 straight before a garbage time 8 ball. Chasing the Lions’ perfecto is still on like Donkey Kong.
Just fuck the Massholes. Everybody knows they are the best team by miles and are gonna win the Superb Owl in a walk, ok? Don’t make me describe it in erotic novella detail. The Bills suck.
Houston beat Detroit in a very boring game, in which Brock Lobster did virtually nothing. Fat Stafford just checked it down to Theo Riddick every play. Gee, I wonder why we didn’t get more RedZone time with THAT.
Philly went to Dallas, got DAK! to throw a pick right before the half, turned it into a long FG. The mojo stayed with the Iggles until a late turnover gifted Dallas 3, followed by a long TD drive that tied the game up (as it stayed through various mutual derpage until OT beckoned). In OT, Dallas took the kick off down the field for the winning touchdown, easy as pie. 6-1 Dallas is in firm control of the NFC East. These teams are both pretty good, but I’d still say a good full step behind the Vikings in the playoffs (assuming Minny has homefield).
I woke up at 10:30a (late Halloween party the night before) and ARI was already down 7-0. I come to find out that it was because a forward pass was ruled a fumble-6 and was not overturned on the replay.
I’m perfectly happy to embrace bandwaggon fandom at this point. Like people who proudly fill out their election ballots every 2 years based on little (D)’s and (R)’s next to any arbitrary list of names, if you think Football is Family then you clearly just don’t understand that your uncle + diddling = wrong. I even used to be to someone who would have defended the SEA/ARI tie because watching two great defenses is exciting — but that wasn’t two great defenses any more than it was the same offenses as 2015 EXCEPT: the quarterbacks aren’t healthy; Lynch is gone; SEA’s DBs hold on every single play; ARI’s WRs have no hands; and, Seattle cannot even beat NO.
I heard on the radio this morning that it would be a crime if Brady didn’t make the MVP conversation because he’ll only play 12 games. No — what’s a fucking crime (relative to league rules) is tampering with equipment and then trying to cover up the cheating. Football is Family, kids, and just because players cheated, that doesn’t mean it’s their fault for missing games.
There actually is still a lot about the NFL that is worth enjoying but the league and it’s “media partners” aren’t going to sell it. Like my election reference above, it’s easier to rehash old points than to address any new ones. Well, fuck, the NFL has invested in the storylines of The Patriot Way, Cam = Superman, Romo+Jerruh, and Aaron Rodgers/Clay Mathews proving that white captains make for the best locker room dynamic — they don’t have time make a new SNF graphic showing how much of a value the [OAK D + (Carr & Cooper’s Productivity/Salary)] is compared to the inaugural 2012 Seahawks season because the narrative is that Al Davis is a shitty owner and teams cannot win in busted old stadiums.
BTW, this Raiders team is what the NFL should be embracing. New offensive stars who stay the fuck out of trouble and aren’t always bitching. Their the underdogs fighting for the top spot in a difficult division. It’s a historic franchise that has been looking for recent success and they’ve taken a smart approach by letting all that dead cap money go ASAP, drafting well, and even becoming a not-so-terrible FA destination. I still have my fingers crossed that Marshawn comes back and plays for OAK. Oh! And JDR fucking playing for the win, not the tie (which, as it turns out, is a thing that’s going to happen more and more as NFL teams play conservative fucking football every fucking week), like a fucking boss. But no — instead, lets AGAIN discuss why the Colts are not lighting up the AFC with Luck (who is already in the script as a star QB and we’re not revising this) or which QB should start for the Jets (hint: the only way you don’t lose is if you don’t play).
And if I have to see one more Skip and Shannon commercial (which I will), I’m going to make a comment akin to these, “If you want to know what it’s like to be a woman in America, watch a qualified Hillary Clinton have to defend herself against an unfit white male for the same job” except with some sort of instigating racial tone of, “yeah, why would a black man who excelled in the highest level of a sport not have to defend himself to some white yokel who enters every episode of their debate show with the trump card of eugenics on his side?” You might as well tell me that Skip has the will of the [white] warrior and that is why he has already won every match.
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1. I agree completely about the Raiders. They are what used to be considered an “upstart” team, that would get solid coverage every week, because they are playing above (well, actually, at, but the Narrative Is All) their skill level, and they’re rather fun to watch. But we won’t get that, because no one that team is a Media Darling, or a whiny ass titty baby, so instead we get exhaustive analysis of why the AFC South is a shit show and whether or not the Pats are unstoppable (until they stop getting every call go their way, they will remain unstoppable).
2. There is no reason any national sports show should cover the Jets QB issues, and I say that as a fucking FAN of the team. They are doomed to mediocrity until the invest in a solid prospect, and until that happens, they can be safely ignored by everyone except me and my fellow unfortunate, dunderheaded fan brethren.
3. Not only is Shannon some kind of unsung hero for actually listening to Skip, the requisite Poor Unfortunate Female whose only job is to look pretty and occasionally smile at their terrible jokes is doing the Lord’s work. I watched five minutes of a episode once, because she was speaking and making a MUCH better and more rational argument than either of those two testicle fissures, and her reward was the polite TV equivalent of “SHUT THE FUCK UP WHY ARE YOU OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND WHO THE FUCK SAID YOU COULD WEAR SHOES?!” I would like it very much if she just hauled off and clubbed either of them to death with a chair at some point.
*They’re
If a tie is like kissing your sister and my sister is a Bengals fan…
God dammit. Stop typing, assholes.
I spent much of the day assisting various people with projects and such, so I didn’t get to watch as much foobaw as I’d liked, but keeping up with the first half of the Jets/Browns NFL Practice Squad Matchup was so aggravating I’m sure most of the walls in my home are glad I missed it. But hey, the NY practice squad beat the Factory’s, so I’ll take it. Doesn’t save the season or anything, but a win is a win, so fuck it.
Oh, and the Cubs won!
Woo-hoo! I got a mention. And I’ll celebrate with a cup of Twining’s Prince of Wales tea. I try too fucking hard.
I had hopes PHI/DAL would end in another tie, because that’s the type of football we deserve.
Great write up and usual.
*as usual
All these changes and no edit button.
It’s right next to the time stamp.
You may want to contact DTZM – i’m not sure if comment edits are an access thing.
If only the NFL would’ve allowed the Cards to use the red flag in the first half at Carolina. They were allowed? Huh. Never took Arians for timid.
All these discussions about ties and complaints about ugly play… Oh my God, THE U.S. IS TURNING INTO SOCCER FANS! MUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Sh! Se van a dar cuenta!
The late games were by far the best. The early games were rescued by the fact that I saw them at a bar with RTD. Four micheladas plus a late Raiders win=Good times!
A reminder that the SoCal Commentists are indeed allowed to socialize.
And yeah, despite only having two games in the late window, I barely had time to get in a piss during RedZone coverage. Quite compelling.
The best part (aside from the Raiders setting a potentially unbreakable record) was making it to halftime before noticing that the Texans were playing.