Operator: Charlottesville Telephone Operator Extension 035115, how may I direct your call?….I see, yes sir, I believe he is expecting you….(Phone Clicks)…Alright, you are connected to the video conference line in Bank of America Stadium’s locker room.

Cam Newton: Right on time. So I guess the NFL is capable of making a correct call.

Commissioner Roger Goodell: Now Cam, let’s not start off like this. I granted you this call even after your and Ron Rivera’s public claims about demanding a phone call with me. I’ll tell you right up front, you could have gone through formal channels and we’d have taken care of your issues. Ray Rice used the proper channels. Greg Hardy used the proper channels. Hell, even Josh Gordon eventually figured out how to navigate them.

Newton: Afraid I respectfully disagree there, sir. The proper channels are failing me and many other NFL players. The rules are in place to protect us and, while the league is throwing more flags than ever, they aren’t doing it on the calls where I’m illegally struck by defenders.

Goodell: Come now, Cam. Football is a violent game. Why do you think your size is such a value? It’s because of the violence. Now, look, I’ll be the first to tell you that some calls get missed. I’d say that, most of the time, it’s just unfortunate positioning. No one really believes that you’re getting a bum wrap.

Newton: You serious? I took four head shots in Week 1 alone. No flags!

Goodell: If I were you, I’d stop showboating and giving defenders a reason to want to annihilate you every play. I mean, frankly, this just sounds like an internal issue for you and your union pals.

Newton: You know what? Freakin’ — freak this, man. Hold on. I’m paging in a friend of mine [leans out of screen before a click is heard].

— [E-Door Flies Open] —

Governor Pat McCrory (R-NC): Cameron! What is up my ni —

Newton: We talked about this. No.

McCrory: Goddamn election year PC nonsense.

Goodell: How are you doing there, Pat? Not too busy with your tie-race against Cooper to pop in on a private call?

McCrory: Yeah well, you’d know a thing or two about the negative impact of weekly ties.

Goodell: The fucking National Football League product is greater than it has ever been before! Football is family! Fans are engaged, connected, and more interested in ever in following the sport and their favorite players! [sits up to regain his composer and adjusts his tie] Like Mr Newton here. Which is why were just discussing the importance of player safety.

Newton: I asked Governor McCrory to join this call because I know you don’t care about me. But you care about the owners and Pat has been a very owner-friendly governor.

McCrory: This is true. I do support people owning other people.

Newton: We talked about this. No.

McCrory: Anyways, Roger, how do you see all this? I’ll admit that the election is keeping me busy so I haven’t seen all the plays Cameron has mentioned but I do see this issue polling even higher than education or comprehensive little boys peeing while sitting down reform in this great state of Northern Carolina.

Goodell: Pat, the league holds the position that Mr Newton is fairly officiated against, relative to the rest of the quarterbacks. However, when Cam becomes a runner — and he becomes a runner at some point on nearly every play Carolina executes — he does not receive the same protections.

Newton: What do you mean by that? When I’m flushed out of the pocket, I’m no more a runner than Matt Ryan.

Goodell: I’m sorry but that simply isn’t true. With each step you take, your motion, your history, your location, and societal expectations influence the referee’s judgement in making a split-second decision.

Newton: You see this, Pat? You see what I’m dealing with. Man, they got a set of rules for the Steelers and the Patriots and then they got a set of rules for teams like us. You see how rigged the system is against us?

McCrory: Now hold old on now. I uhhhh, well [thumbs back to an oil painting of his pappy’s hunting dog, Hunter] Hunter is intrigued. I mean, if I understand Roger correctly, he’s saying that it’s possible for a suspect to fluidly change from being a protected individual to a threatening hulking black man at any given time?

Newton: What? No one is saying th–

Goodell: That’s right, Pat. Think about it now. Our rule book is law and it is the job of our officials to enforce that law. Now these [holds up fingers in an air quote] law enforcement officials, can’t know every place and every situation. I have seven officials for 106 players every game. They’re outnumbered, in hostile territory, and forced to make split-second decisions that can be life or death.

McCrory: Yes. And I bet it’s important that we appreciate what these refs are doing to provide us with a regulated game that doesn’t devolve into chaos. And so, if they make a tough call in that unbelievably difficult environment —

Goodell: Oh and they’re underpaid.

McCrory: Of course! Their union bloat and Obamacare taxes are killing their take home income! So they have to deal with all this and, I suppose, your position is that the refs deserve as much consideration as the players.

Goodell: It is. But, of course, you don’t hear about Gene Steratore demanding a phone call with me every time he keeps his cool while Bruce Arians is screaming in his ear or holds onto his flag in order to preserve the drama when the Seahawks backs are hanging on a receiver through a crucial play.

Newton: But we want them to throw that flag! That’s my point! Call the game fairly for everyone! When Sherman is hanging on Julio, call it. When Calais is trying to shred my ACL, call it. Both teams make up the game. Every player matters.

Goodell: Well, I think everyone on the field matters.  Look here, Cam [presses sheet of paper against the video phone camera]

Goodell: [only heard from behind the image] you can’t say that just the guys in blue matter. That’s racist. I think you’re being reverse-racist.

Newton: No. I’m just asking for them to call penalties when they occur and enforce the game consistently!

Goodell: As I told you, the rules are applied consistently. You know, if it were one missed call here or there, I’d get blaming that ref. But this [repeats his air quotes] happens every week and has occurred in every stadium in America. Don’t you think that, maybe instead of this being a widespread issue with the officials, it’s actually a problem with players?

Newton: What?! That doesn’t even make sense!

McCrory: That actually makes perfect sense, Roger. Look, I’m sorry about this call and I apologize for being a part of such a time wasting exercise here. I will make this up to you — I promise that — but it’ll have to be after the election.

Goodell: Quite all right, Pat. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate and I’m always happy to explain why players lives are part of all lives and how much that benefits the league.

McCrory: You’re a great man, Roger. Thanks again. McCrory out.