Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 55)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: 150 million years ago. Early afternoon. Before lunch, but long enough after breakfast that you’re getting peckish. You’re thinking of those Diggler’s Donuts in the break room, and wondering if it’s worth the walk past Steve’s cubicle to get one. I mean, Steve’s an okay guy, but he always wants to tell you about his fantasy football team, and how he snagged Ezekiel Elliot in the second round and blah blah blah… And then there’s Rhonda, the receptionist, who always gives you that look when you go past her desk. The one that says, “Why aren’t you working?” when, y’know, she spends half of the morning texting, and the other half doing her nails. Who is she to judge amirite?!!

What? Oh, sorry. Right. It’s 150 million years ago, so pretty far in the past, and there’s dinosaurs and stuff, but no donuts, which sucks. But at the moment one of the dinosaurs, an Allosaurus, is bashing away at Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van, which is sitting in a jungle clearing. The screeches of PK can be heard from inside the van, which is kind of heart-warming to the DFOers in Doktor Zymm’s RV, which is parked nearby.

Covalent Blonde (munching on popcorn): This is great. Y’know, we don’t hang out together like this enough.

Moosemas Gorilla (gulping down a yuuuge pawful of popcorn): Ook.

Horatio Cornblower (on the ape’s shoulder, taking a bite out of a single popcorn kernel being held in his teeny-tiny hands): It’s almost like being at a drive-in.

OSZ (in the passenger seat, grabbing some popcorn): Drive-in…?

Brocky (reaching over CB’s shoulder for popcorn): It was like, an old person’s theater. Way back in the ’70s.

As the DFOers watch, the Allosaurus (which was kind of like a smaller Tyrannosaurus Rex, by the way), rams the van, rocking it and making PK screech louder.

OSZ: Maybe we should get around to saving them…?

Covalent Blonde: Aw, really?

OSZ: We’re going to need the time machine out of Marc’s van if we’re ever going to get out of here.

Horatio Cornblower: And after all, we don’t want that allosaurus eating PK. I mean, that can’t be good for the dinosaur.

Covalent Blonde (reluctantly): I guess three hours of this has been enough…

Covalent Blonde flips a switch on the dashboard and a long gout of flame shoots out of the RV. The Allosaurus lets out an indignant roar and then retreats back into the jungle. A few moments later, PK’s head comes peeping out of the van’s broken rear window. Then the door flies open and PK runs toward the RV. Well, he runs for the first ten yards, jogs sloppily for the next twenty, and finally huffs and puffs for another five before finally collapsing mere feet from the RV. During that time Future Clone Debbie Harry casually exits the van and unhurriedly walks past PK, and taps on the driver’s side window.

Covalent Blonde (powering down the window): Yes?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: I request asylum.

Covalent Blonde: Well, I don’t know…you did threaten to turn my friends into earrings, from what I hear.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Future Clone Debbie Harry: That was a long time ago. It was a youthful indiscretion.

Horatio Cornblower: It was earlier this year! Kind of. I mean, when we get back to the present, it will be… I need a drink.

OSZ: Guys, Moose probably doesn’t want his future wife to get eaten by a dinosaur. We should let them in.

Covalent Blonde: Them? PK, too? Aww…

OSZ (opening the RV’s side door): OK, guys, get in here. Horatio, you and Moosemas Gorilla keep an eye on them. I’m gonna go get that time machine out of the van and hook it up to the RV. Brocky can give me a hand, and CB can keep a watch for any stray dinos.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (entering the RV and looking around): How…quaint.

PK (huffing and puffing as he gets in): Gee, thanks, guys! Say, do any of you guys have maybe an energy bar…or a bag of sugar?

Horatio Cornblower: You two just sit there on the love seat and be quiet. Any problems from either one of you and my pal here will turn you into human pretzels.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

OSZ, Brocky and Covalent Blonde get out of the RV and head toward the van.

Brocky (to OSZ): So, you know how to dismantle the time machine? I mean, it’s probably pretty complex.

OSZ: Well, I changed the chain on my bicycle that time…

Covalent Blonde: Your bicycle?

OSZ (defensively): Hey, it’s a Fuji Roubaix! It’s not your average bike.

Covalent Blonde (shaking her head): We are so dead…

Cut to: A few hours later. OSZ is under the hood of the van, and Brocky is underneath the engine compartment. Covalent Blonde has a tree branch in hand and is swinging it at a pterosaur.

Covalent Blonde (swinging the branch): Would you guys hurry up? This thing is really pissing me off…

Pterosaur (flapping its wings): Graark!

OSZ: I just released the last bolt…

Brocky (from underneath the van): Got it! Let’s get out of here!

The three race back to the van. The pterosaur flies into the van through a broken window. It lands inside, then uses its beak to pull a large plastic bag out from under the driver’s seat and pecks it open. The pterosaur gets a silly grin and its eyes roll as it eats the weed.

Pterosaur (happily): Gronk!

The DFOers get back into the RV, time machine in hand. It looks like a futuristic microwave oven. Probably because Doktor Zymm used a microwave for the housing, as she hates anything going to waste. OSZ puts the time machine on the floor and pulls wires out from under the dashboard to attach to it.

Covalent Blonde (skeptically): Do you know what you’re doing?

OSZ: Bien sur!

Brocky (looking out the front windshield): I hope so…because that big dinosaur is back…

The Allosaurus approaches the van, sniffs it, then turns its attention to the RV. Covalent Blonde flips the flamethrower switch on the dashboard, but nothing happens.

Covalent Blonde (to OSZ): You ripped out the wiring for the flamethrower!

Brocky: Game over, man! We’re gonna be dino-chow!

OSZ (sparking wires together, then connecting them): Hold on… OK, CB! Hit it!

Covalent Blonde flips the switch again. Nothing happens. She glares at OSZ.

OSZ: I meant…hit the ignition.

Covalent Blonde (pressing the starter): Oh…OK.

The RV’s engine roars to life. Covalent Blonde immediately puts the RV in reverse, speeds backwards away from the allosaurus, and does a nifty bootlegger-reverse that sends everyone in the back of the RV flying.

OSZ (holding onto the passenger seat for dear life): Whoa! Maybe I should drive…?

Covalent Blonde (hitting the accelerator): Not a chance! We need to get this thing up to 88 mph today.

The RV tears through the jungle, mowing down bushes and sending small dinosaurs scurrying. Suddenly a ball of bright green energy appears and the RV hurtles into it, disappearing from the primordial past.

Cut to: Ford’s Theatre in Washington, D.C., April 14th, 1865. John Wilkes Booth is skulking towards the back entrance, muttering to himself.

John Wilkes Booth: Sic semper tyranis…? No, that just sounds too hoity-toity. And does anyone even speak Latin anymore? Hmm…

Suddenly John Wilkes Booth is bathed in a bright green glow. He stands transfixed for a moment.

And then Doktor Zymm’s RV comes barreling out of it, running him down.

OSZ (still clinging to the passenger seat): I will never get used to that.

Covalent Blonde (grinning): I like it!

Brocky: Hey, did we hit something? It sounded like we did.

Covalent Blonde: Eh, I don’t think so. I would’ve noticed that.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Abraham Lincoln staggers up the stairs into the RV, still bombed on Kentucky Bourbon.

Abraham Lincoln (drunkenly): Hey, there! Have any of you seen a big, red, furry elder god around? That S.O.B. ditched me earlier, an’ ol’ Abe’s got a bone to pick with him.

Horatio Cornblower (in amazement): Are you…Abraham Lincoln?

Abraham Lincoln (burping): Well, I sure am, li’l fella! Say, that’s a right nice doggy you’ve got there!

Abraham Lincoln pats Moosemas Gorilla on the head, staggers forward a few steps, and then crashes onto the love seat, across the laps of Future Clone Debbie Harry and PK. PK digs in his pocket and pulls out a coin. He looks from the coin to Abraham Lincoln and back again.

PK (grinning): Hey, this is the guy on my penny!

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighLemonJelloTeddy's Bridge Over Troubled Waterlasergurujjfozz Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

WOO! Finally all caught up! I’m honored to be a part of this epic saga.
Quick question: if Teddy gets his job back next season (unlikely), am I gonna turn back to normal? If not I volunteer to turn PK into a zombie. He won’t taste good but I’m willing to take one for the team.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

With those two tackles playing the way they are Bradford may be dead.

laserguru

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laserguru

God, I love Mark Ryden.

jjfozz

“Pterosaur (happily): Gronk!”

So now we all know the origin of the Gronkowski family.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Pterosaur: Graak!
Me: Smrg..
Pterosaur: Gronk!
Me: No I drafted Lamar Miller. Fuck me right?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Stupid, sexy Pterosaur.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I loved a Pterosaur once…… then there was a strong updraft…… and it was over.

You never really get over your first Pterosaur.

Brocky

But at the moment one of the dinosaurs, an Allosaurus, is bashing away at Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van, which is sitting in a jungle clearing. The screeches of PK can be heard from inside the van, which is kind of heart-warming to the DFOers in Doktor Zymm’s RV, which is parked nearby.

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Also, abe lincoln, alright alright alright

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LemonJello
LemonJello

I’m reading this while safely ensconced in my weekend retreat.

Photo of said retreat:
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Seeing as it’s Veterans Day, I would like to take a moment to thank any and all Veterans here on DFO for their service to our country. May the bourble flow like wine and enjoy the finest meats and cheeses from throughout the land!

Salute!
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ballsofsteelandfury

I am REALLY looking forward to PK dying an excruciating shameful death.