“The Great Cleavening” has begun in earnest once again my friends. What the heck is a ‘cleavening’ you may ask yourself? Well, according to the definition I just created it means, “to separate those with no hope from those with a modicum of hope from those with solid hope”. It couldn’t be more clear after that explanation, can it? As far as I’m concerned and I’ve said this before, those teams that are hanging on by a thread aren’t actually doing so-they’re just drawing out the inevitable. Yes, certainly there is the possibility that the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders will die in a brush fire, triggering the long-forgotten “George Preston Marshall Plan” whereby all players of a certain skin colour will be sent to internment camps in South Dakota where they will toil in the Peanut mines. But seriously, what are the odds of that happening? At this point we’ve got a very good idea of who is in and who is out, so let’s just dispense with the wacko scenarios whereby the Eagles somehow get into the playoffs, shall we? TO THE GAMES!
GB/Chi-The Pack continues its ‘run the table’ narrative against a Bears team that ran out of chips back in October. If you like to see clouds of an evaparatory nature coming from the mouths of huffing and puffing fat guys in deathly cold weather, this is all yours.
Jax/Hou-The Texans get the lovely pre-Christmas gift of the Jags at home. They’re locked in a dismal tie with the Titans for first in the AFC South and both teams will likely remain that way until they meet during the last week of the season. That’s EXCITEMENT!-NFL-style.
Cle/Buf-Care to watch the unwatchable as your toes become gangrenous? You can do so for as little as $7, according to some secondary selling sites on this here internet. Your other option is to show up to the gates of New Era Field at 1:05 Eastern where you will likely as not be bum-rushed into the stadium by security staff. They’ve got quotas to fill.
Phi/Bal-Philly is still “mathematically alive” (see what I mean?) despite them being in the middle of a 4 game tumble. What this means is that they’re dead. DEAD! 1-6 on the road does not a playoff team make, kiddos. The Ravens will take the AFC North if they win out because that will have meant that they dispatched the Steelers next week and scored the tie-breaker for themselves.
Ten/KC-The Chiefs are in the old ‘win and you’re in’ spot against the Titans. A Tennessee loss here won’t be a death blow to their division title hopes because Houston being Houston, they’ll likely find a way to lose to the Bengals at home in prime time next week, setting up that ‘win or die’ scenario I yakked about up above.
Det/NYG-No, neither of these deeply flawed teams are as good as their record would indicate. A bit of luck and a weaker schedule can work wonders for the confidence of under-achieving squads. Strange to say it but each team can afford a loss here due to the work they’ve done earlier on. If the Giants D is rounding into the form that I’ve seen in years past they’ll go after qb Stafford and his loosely-ligamented throwing paw. Neither team has anything resembling an effective ground game but you’ll still be treated to a surfeit of boring-as-hell 1 and 2 yard-ers. Giants in a squeaker? It seems to be both teams’ modus operandi this year.
Ind/Min-The Fightin’ Minnesotans get back their favourite whipping boy in rb Peterson this week. Er, boy-whipper. I meant to say boy whipper just then. If the Vikes D regains their earlier snap, crackle and pop they should get themselves a playoff berth. Indy had their chances long ago.
Pit/Cin-The Steelers look to be peeking and the Bengals look to maintain their ‘ploding. Done.
That’s it. LET’S WALLOW IN THE GREATNESS OF THE COMMENTS BELOW, SHALL WE?
I really hope the Packers don’t sneak their way into the playoffs. I don’t think I could take the additional knobslobbering that would emanate from various sportscasters.
As long as Fuck Lions of Destiny win next week, they will control they fate. They need to sign Sex Cannon on Monday, and all stars will align.
Lazy A-A-Ron joke is lazy
It’s probably going to happen because the Lions have a tough schedule and the Packers have a consistent ability to be just a bit better than their dipshit division rivals.
That being said, I really, really want the Bears to beat the Packers even if it hurts their draft position.
Yeah, that Peter King is the worse, too much teeth. – Aaron Rodgers
NSFW; Raiders fan boobs (not Raiders fan):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiuKAVdyPvU
So Marvin Lewis is basically skinny black Andy Reid at this point.
I kind of miss just knowing if I wanted to be a dick I could antagonize Sill somehow.
He’d probably beat you to it, dick-wise.
/zingo!
Whatever happened to him anyway?
Sill Bimmons decided to run for public office and is super busy being Rodrigo Duterte.
Cleveland sports fans go from watching their basketball team win a championship, to watching their baseball team choke away a championship, to……the probable 0-16 Browns.
Well, at least they’re the best at sucking.
“we’ll take it”
browns fans
Goddamn it we’re going to get field goaled to death
Yes, mom. I will have another tamale if you insist.
Could your mom send me some? I could get them from the lady in front of Trader Joe’s or just buckle down and make my own (It’s time I do that), but you know … Commentariat For Life.
Beckham should touch the ball 30+ times a game.
What about the shift? – Aaron Rodgers
Marvin “If it works in the 1st half, it should work in the 2nd” Lewis
Packers fans don’t travel well
those fuckers infest illinois because they don’t want to admit wisconsin sucks. they bandwagon every other chicago team.
fuck you not joe buck.
Can confirm. Every Packer fan I know also happens to be “diehard” Blackhawks fans.
I don’t find that nearly as obnoxious as the Packers/Cubs fans since Wisconsin doesn’t have an NHL team. But the Cubs? Go root for the fucking Sucky Seligs.
It’s a matter of too many stairs…
http://68.media.tumblr.com/d638e5c529045f6958853f8c0991dcd9/tumblr_ogi1yde3zF1qewacoo6_1280.jpg
Mmmm… nice hate.
There are a lot in Chicagoland, especially north of the city. I’ve grown up amongst them and find them to be mostly tolerable. Much better than El beisbol Cardinals fans.
Just found out the Texans benched Brock lobster. Go Jags, earn that meth money.
a FIELD GOAL? DOWN 12. On 4th and 3.
Woo, got my pico projector set up so I’m watching football on the ceiling now!
whoa, what a feeling?
So in ‘Sing’ the black gorilla’s father is a locked up gangbanger?
Can’t wait to see Twitter’s opinion on that one.
Clothesline on Timmons would have set up a nice DDT – oh wait, I GUESS that’d be illegal or something… (mutters)
Dammit – posting fail. (Mutters again)
HOLY CATS OBJ!!!!
/even if I am pulling mightily for DET
Odell Beckham is kinda not bad at the footballs.
After that clothesline of Timmons, why no DDT?
Needs more RKO outta nowhere
Whitworth is setting up for a spinebuster
All this talk about death and loyal dogs has me sad. The only thing that can lift my mood is a Cowboy victory or a visit from Felicity Jones to comfort me.
Horrible QB franchise (Chicago) + Horrible QB college (USC) =
Does it smell like shit burning with diesel fuel?
who is Fat Stafford’s backup? How bad could he possibly be??
“Running out of the end-zone”- bad?
The critical reviews for Will Smith stars in PRETENTIOUS TITLE are scathing, and I love it.
Link?
Cardell Hayes said, “I’m GUILTY of hating it.”
Mom just gave me the update on the dead man. He died walking his dog. The dog wouldn’t leave his body. They covered the dog with him. 🙁
I didn’t even see the dog when i saw the body early this morning.
I’m fairly certain my dog would sell me out for a handful of Kibble.
“Too soon, Horatio. Too soon.”
-Simon Wiesenthal
Bengals may have upset SHAN’KOR by cutting Nugent. That’s why Boswell is 5 for 5
Was Nugent always shitting himself?
Anybody else see that “Baddest Woman on the planet” commercial and think for a second that it was about the Wonder Woman movie?
Lesbianic Shaft remake.
Shut your mouth!
I’m just talkin bout Silicone Shaft!
Oh, Hell yes. I needed this in my life.
“BUT MOOOOOMMMM!!!”
DAW HORSEFEATHERS!!!
For someone who turns over the ball as much as he does, he always seemed completely shocked whenever he does it.
You’re right, but fuck you anyway.
Somebody check on yeah right…
It’s a small thing, but I love how when the announcers describe a big play by “Ha Ha” Clinton-Dix, it sounds like they’re laughing at the other team.
Hey, Dok:
http://thumbnails117.imagebam.com/52112/f9f3ac521116148.jpg
“Brad Wing is the wind beneath my wings.”
-Giants Special Team’s players
Sweet, the old man has red zone. Go lions!
http://68.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lykgu6ncS51qjihk3o4_250.gif
FUCK. LIONS. OF. DESTINY!!!
Special request for Buttchin O’Brien!!
Star Wars was great. Put the war in Star Wars. My parents said the coroner just picked up the body 30 minutes ago.
everything is better with violence ,, ppl forget that
Finally, a proper ornament.
That’s good.
My defense is shutting out the Rodgers/Jordy combo, but I am still getting killt in fantasy. They just don’t know how to win.
Fucking Andy Reid, YUUUUUUUGE play to Tyreek Hill to open things, so he decides “that’s enough of HIM for today, thanks.”
http://68.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkffzsdGGF1qc0rlqo1_400.jpg
I started Jordy and Adams, counting on the Bears to be the Bears.
Unfortunately I did not take into account Rdogers’s propensity to be distracted by Bears, and things aren’t working out all that great.
that Adams end zone drop prolly elicited a different reaction from you than me!
Wasn’t even aware of it until now but, um, rats, I guess?
The Cincy backfield is about to become every old sports writer’s wet dream.
GRIT SCRAPPY LUNCHPAIL PRO’S PRO
CBT?
Nah, they’d need to be white for that to be true
Anyone got a good young safety on their fave team? Landon Collins looks like a keeper for the next 10 years.
I vote the big black coats be replaced by NFL brand blankets for players to snuggle up under on the bench.
just hope that Cutler didnt supply the blankets.
Just the ones for the [REDACTEDS].
such commitment by Minny to avoid the shutout and make no pretense of trying to win
http://68.media.tumblr.com/bb917dbfaf3147a73c9af265c92cedfd/tumblr_ogi1yde3zF1qewacoo2_1280.jpg
Their defense is actually costing my opponent points.
I don’t think I’ve ever hated a Bengals player as much as I hate Adam Jones. And that includes Carl “Locker Room Cancer” Pickens.
Rothlisberger just forcing that ball into coverage like his receiver was in a bathroom stall.
CHUH CHUH
Any HERP you do, I can DERP better.
The Chicago QB Tradition continues…
Last 3 possessions, 3 turnovers (2 INT, 1 Fumble lost)
Cutler did it.
Fight between Steelers and Burfict but no flag on Burfict?
Am I watching the stream from Earth-2?
that sounds like earth 1.
shit that sounds like last january.
how the fuck can anyone look at peppers and think “sportsmanship”?
Oh shit, Browns coming back?
“What is ‘Things said after a long night of drinking and White Castles?’?
When the bears below average receivers have the dropsies, its Jay Cutler’s fault.
when the packers above average receivers have the dropsies, its the receiver’s fault.
3 wrongs make a …. still fucking wrong
Vontaze Burfict: Still an Asshole
But he’s my asshole!
What size pants do you wear?
Fuck this Aaron Rodgers running on one leg bullshit!!