Species Name: GMesis Shivathal (rhymes with Nemesis AND Genesis). However NONE EVER LOOK LIKE HER. But we view them as so due to their magical powers.

Individual Names: Balkeballtarkomous (extinct), Joneszilla (unkillable owner hybrid), Slingbladeus (um…incriminating evidence?), Grigsonelle (extinct)

From: Boardroom Scarface binges, Dartboard throws, “Hey he knows the owner!”

Descended from/Spawned by: Unclear. Nepotism helps many to evolve Pokemon style. However for most observed failing upward makes this species unique. See above.

Original habitat: Coattails, Equipment Manager offices. “I was ok in middle school” can be heard frequently.

Lifespan: Oddly long. Appear mostly safe from catastrophe until their shelters are burnt flat.

Height: Varies, dependent on how much exposure they provide to those that can gain access.

Weight: Varied. Gnat-like to Incalculable.

Position: Yes-man to Lord God of All

Primary Ability: Creating Snowpiercer or The Little Engine That Never

Secondary Ability: Acquiring shiny useless trinkets, denying present circumstances for their ideal future, which given their lifespan is foolhardy.

Why are they in the news: It is that yearly time where the ones who haven’t died must justify their continued existence. The words “draft” and “free agency” appear in force now.

Likes: Prospects, projects, shiny fragile things. Being bought out.

Dislikes: Dependability, Outperformance, inherited success/issues

Preferred Method of Worship: “So I get however much we’re under the cap right?”

What scouts are saying: 

• Force multiplier: does nothing, wins, genius.
• Loses, fires everyone, gets four years to rebuild while everything burns. Gets fired, next one has to shovel the ashes.
• Impressively impervious to nearly everything
• Seen from the outside as fresh air, everyone inside asphyxiates.

Immediate Impact: Sadness while the magical “program” is implemented. Years of your life are immediately gone. Keep smoking, this league has a higher death rate.

Down the road: Except in rare cases, more sadness until the next board meeting brings another victim who wants millions to be let go.