Oh, hello.  Thanks for stumbling into my basement.  There’s beer in the fridge and feel free to use the pool table.  No, not for that, just pool if you don’t mind.  No, sorry, you can’t use the dart board; I need it for my mock draft.  You see I “write” for a “football” “blog” and as everyone knows at this time of year we’re obligated to to put together a mock draft or eight.

What?

Yes, I know, I have very little knowledge of college football, I haven’t paid much attention to the early draft-talk and my sources are largely figments of my imagination.  But if those things don’t stop Peter King they’re not gonna stop me!  Now, if you’ll kindly step aside and hand me that blindfold I’ll get to mock draftin’!

Oh, if you have any plaster handy feel free to drop it off.  I’m gonna need it for the wall after this gets done.

1.  CLEVELAND BROWNS.  First, we have to ask “what should they do?” and the obvious answer for Cleveland is to set everything on fire, collect the insurance money and move to someplace warm where they’ve never even heard of American football.  It turns out, however, that arson is illegal and that insurance companies are pretty good at detecting the smell of gasoline so failing that the consensus seems to be that the Browns will be drafting DE Myles Garrett, defensive end out of Texas A&M.  Second we have to ask “does this make sense?” and the answer, surprisingly because we are talking about the Browns, is “Yes.  Yes it does.”  Cleveland is a horrible team and organization.  They need literally everything, including new ownership, (which unfortunately you just can’t draft), and by all accounts Garret is off the charts.  So I say the Browns do indeed take Myles Garrett with the first pick.  I’m so, so sorry Mr. Garrett.
2. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS.  What Should They Do?  Fire Jed York out of a cannon and into the sun.  Also, as it turns out, illegal.  So what will they do? The people-who-are-not-me are all over the place on this one.  Could be ‘Bama’s Jonathan Allen at DE.  Could be a QB.  Which QB?  How about Mitch Trubisky?  DeShaun Watson?  DeShone Kizer?  (Not. A. Chance.)  Bama’s ILB Reuben Foster? THE Ohio State’s CB Marcus Lattimore?  All these names and more have been bandied about!  San Francisco finished last or second to last in offense last year.  They do not have any real options at QB under contract right now.  It would seem that the smart thing to do would be to draft a QB here, either Watson or Trubisky.  That Kizer thing is bullshit; no one is dumb enough to spend a #2 pick on a Notre Dame QB these days.  Also the 49ers didn’t hire Kyle Shanahan to make the defense better.  He’s an alleged QB whisperer so he’ll be pushing for a QB he can work with like he did Matt Ryan.  Since the 49ers will probably wait at least two seasons before throwing Shanahan under the bus my guess is that they defer to him and, while they probably should take Allen here, they draft Clemson QB DeShaun Watson #2.
3. CHICAGO BEARS.  North Carolina QB Mitchell Trubisky.  Should they do this?  Oh hell no.  Will they do this?  Oh hell yes.  I’m not even putting any thought into this.  They just let Jay Cutler leave and brought in Mike Glennon.  Mike Glennon is not the QB of anyone’s future and with that offensive line I’d be stunned if he was the QB of the Bears much past Week 6.  What the Bears should do is trade this pick, try to get a lower pick in the first round and either another 2nd or 3rd this year and a 2nd or 3rd next year.  Not to show my Cowboys colors here while doing so anyway but I can see Ol’ Double J overpaying for a chance at draft Allen here.  Especially now that Romo hasn’t actually been released back into the wild.  And no, not even the Bears are dumb enough to trade the pick for Romo straight-up, although I’d love it if they did.  Trading for draft picks probably won’t help the Bears now but it would help them restock for 2-3 years down the road.  But the Bears are a shit organization and the hype around Trubisky and a high-pick QB is just too sexy for a team with their bad press to ignore so Trubisky goes to Chicago and is an arthritic cripple in three years.  PROVE ME WRONG BEARS!!! TRADE THE PICK!!!
4. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS.  Unlike the Bears, who I am convinced, with no more factual basis than your average Trump tweet, are going to do the wrong thing, the Jaguars have a range of options.  Mostly because they’re a shitty team with several needs, but not quite shitty enough that it makes sense to trade the pick and build for the future.  The Jags had a Top 6 defense last season, (I can’t find the citation but I swear I read that somewhere), and a shitty running game.  A lot of folks seem to think LSU’s RB Leonard Fournette is the pick here and it makes sense, especially if Jacksonville looks at what Dallas did last year and thinks they can recreate Dak-Elliott with Bortles-Fournette, which they can’t because they don’t have Dallas’s O-line.  One idiot even suggested they draft Oklahoma’s Joe Mixon here, which, uh, no.  Mixon is undoubtedly a good football player but he’s on a video breaking a woman’s jaw.  You don’t spend a first round pick on someone like that in the NFL.  You wait until the fourth round and then spout some bullshit about “second chances”, “improved character” and “if you really think about it, she started it.”  So I think, in all my infinite wisdom, that the Jaguars find Jonathan Allen, Bama’s holy terror at DE, too good to pass up at #4 and take him.  Then they’ll take Mixon in the 4th.
5. TENNESSEE TITANS (Courtesy of the St. Louis-Los Angeles-St. Louis-Back-To-Los Angeles Rams).  The Titans are in great shape at 5, because they’re not really all that bad a team.  They’re not that good either of course, but they’re solid at QB with Mariotta, Demarco Murray had a nice bounce back year away from Chip ‘If My RB Is Black, I’m Sendin’ Him Back” Kelly and their defense is good and rumored to be getting better through free agency.  What they do not have, however, is a halfway decent WR.  Various reports have the Titans trading this pick and getting a WR later, (we’ll see Tennessee again later this round), or taking OSU’s Lattimore at CB, but I think, based on nothing at all other than what’s the easiest way to end this paragraph, that they stick at 5 and give Mariotta someone to throw to not named Delanie Walker.  The top two WR prospects are apparently Mike Williams out of Clemson and Corey Davis out of Western Michigan.  I’ll say that the Titans take Mike Williams on the theory that the Mike Williams who plays for Tampa Bay is really good and therefore this one must be too.
6. NEW YORK JETS.  As bad as the Jets are at drafting, (hello Kyle Brady!), I think this one is pretty easy.  They desperately need a QB but I suspect that they’re going to address that by throwing an ungodly amount of money at either Tony Romo or Jay Cutler or, because it’s the Jets, both.  If either Watson or Trubisky is still around, despite my faultless predicting, they’ll go here.  But let’s assume they’re not.  Last year the Jets were terrible, in part because their QB forgot he want to Harvard and was supposed to know not to throw the ball to the other team, and in part because Revis Island went the way of Atlantis and sank into the Sea of Aging.  And here the Jets are at 6 and over there is Ohio State’s CB Marshon Lattimore and that’s who the Jets will pick and their fans will go bat-shit crazy booing because they want Fournette.
7. SAN DIE-uh-LOS ANGELES CHARGERS OF INGLEWOOD, (PART-TIME).  There’s a lot, (OK, two.  I read this two times OK?), of talk that the Chargers will take a safety here, either Adams out of LSU or Hooker, -giggle-, out of Ohio State.  There are other drafts that aren’t as good as mine in which both Adams and Hooker are gone by this time.  I think that they’re both still available and while either would, according to those two things I read, make sense here, I think the Chargers get a big old boner at the thought of pairing Stanford DE Solomon Thomas with Joey “Pay Up Motherfucker” Bosa and putting together a defensive line that makes the thought of a secondary, well, secondary.  Also it had become pretty apparent to me that I was trying to find ways to keep Long around for the Cowboys and that’s simply not going to happen no matter how many hookers I sacr….I mean, how much I wish for it, and Los Angeles seems like as good a place as any to dump him.  San Diego would be even better, but fuck Dean Spanos.
8. CAROLINA PANTHERS.  What should they do?, as I seem to have forgotten to ask that since the second pick.  So much for themes!  Based on a cursory knowledge of videos showing Cam Newton getting the crap kicked out of him last year I would think “draft a goddamn offensive lineman” would be high on the list of priorities but this doesn’t seem to be a year with a lot of highly thought of OL.  Also the Panthers just spent $55 million+ on Matt Kalil so presumably they’re not looking there in the first round.  According to the Charlotte Observer a lot of people seem to think they should take a CB or DE, but I already gave the top three DEs away so that’s out.  Also if you can’t get a decent offensive lineman to take pressure off your QB you can try and establish a running game with a good RB and look who’s here!  LSU’s RB Leonard Fournette goes to Carolina, where they will hopefully get some O-lineman later or learn to fucking block with the ones they have.  Otherwise, as I can tell you from watching the Cowboys before the last few years, your good RB will get you jack squat.
9. CINCINNATI BENGALS.  Fun fact, I just needed three tries to spell “Cincinnati” correctly.  What should they do?  For starters tell Vontaze Me Bro to put that damn kid down and change her fantasy line-ups more than twice a season.  Second tell Vontaze Burfict that openly committing felony assaults during play-off games is not helpful.  Third, well, fuck if I know.  Have I mentioned I’m just making this up as I go along?  The Bengals are set at QB, because you can’t draft a new one just for the play-offs.  They’ve got one of the best WRs in the game with Green.  They have two decent RBs and their defense is good if not great.  That does leave them the option of drafting a kicker, which Mike Brown would probably love to do because they work cheap, but my guess here is that they look for another threat at WR to take some coverage away from Green.  Since the Titans took Williams I’ll say the Bengals take Corey Davis here.  There was some talk of John Ross and his 2.4 second 40 yard dash, or whatever the hell it was, but reaching that high seems like more of a Raiders thing.
10. BUFFALO BILLS.  The Bills picking DeShone Kizer here would be hilarious.  God the people of Buffalo would burn the center of the city to the ground if doing so weren’t actually an improvement.  The Bills shit-canned the Ryan brothers and told them to beat feet down the road so that probably won’t happen.  Probably.  This is still Buffalo.  More than one source seems to think Buffalo will look to trade down and grab help on the offensive line.  The only trades I care about are the Cowboys moving up and I don’t see them trading with Buffalo, (not even Jerry Jones would send Romo to Buffalo), for anything other than picks so, I dunno, sure, maybe.  Putting trades aside here everyone seems to think that Buffalo needs help at safety and I’ve got two who have been sitting in the green room an uncomfortable amount of time.  I say LSU S Jamal Adams goes to the Bills, mostly because his name seems to come up next to them more often and because I find Urban Meyer a smug motherfucker and don’t want to give his teams any more credit than I absolutely have to.
11. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS.  What should they do?  Lobby for sensible gun control laws?  Discourage their star players from getting involved with pyramid schemes?  Both of these options, while admirable and socially conscious, will not lead to any improvement on the field so it’s not happening in the 11th position either.  The Saints also just traded a really good young WR to the Patriots, (more on that later), so it seems safe to assume they’re not necessarily looking for offensive help.  A lot of the New Orleans sources are talking about guys like Solomon Thomas or Marshon Lattimore but I’ve already dispensed them to other teams so sorry Saints, you ain’t getting them.  Get it?  “ain’t”?  The “ain’ts”?  Oh fuck you.  If you’re so funny right your own fucking mock draft.  Seriously do it.  This is taking me forever.  Anyway the remaining guy with more than one mention it Tennessee’s Derek Barnett.  He seems to have had a pretty good career in the SEC and the Saints could use a DE who isn’t in a morgue so this makes total sense.  Avoid road rage kids.
12. CLEVELAND BROWNS (from Philadelphia last year).  What should they do?  Stay THE FUCK away from Kizer!  Seriously Browns that’s free and solid advice.  The last ND quarterback to be drafted with any fanfare was Jimmy Clausen and we all know how well that worked out. Unless you’re looking to start an emu farm don’t go down this road.  Now if I’m wrong, (when I’m wrong), about either Watson or Trubisky they would not get past Cleveland at 12 and their desperate attempt to land anything resembling a competent QB.  And the inclusion of the word “competent” in that sentence rules out Osweiler.  If the Patriots lose Hightower to free agency I will say that there’s a decent chance they trade Garropolypse Now to Cleveland for this pick and take the Foster kid from ‘Bama.  Because this is Cleveland and because they always seem to fuck something up on draft day I will go out on a limb and guess that they overreach for offensive help and take FSU’s RB Dalvin Cook here, when they should probably take the Hooker from Ohio State, (there’s a phrase that’s probably been heard before), at safety.  Prove me wrong Browns, prove me wrong.
13. ARIZONA CARDINALS.  What should they do?  Trade up and try to get Watson or Trubisky.  Carson Palmer is not getting any younger and they need a successor in place.  Better early than too late.  As much as I don’t trust anyone from Notre Dame who Brian Kelly hasn’t tried to kill DeShone Kizer is the pick here.  Just for fun if you want to see a team where there seems to be absolutely no consensus as to who they should pick, it’s the Cardinals.  I could go all Peter King here and mention any number of defensive prospects, (any one of which would make sense as the Cardinals apparently got hammered by free agency on defense), and then claim I was right when any one of them hits but nope, it’s Kizer or I’m wrong.  Spoiler alert, bet that I’m wrong.
14. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES. (from Minnesota)(for Sam Bradford)(Jesus)  What should they do?  Well, they signed Torrey Smith and Alshon Jeffrey to help Carson Wentz.  I was leaning towards the ‘Bama TE Howard here but after scrawling through a few Philly-oriented mock drafts, and most definitely not reading the comments I have to back off on that and figure they’ll go with a CB.  Apparently Jim Schwartz feels that this is there biggest need and even though he isn’t the head coach Schwartz strikes me as the kind of guy who would flip over buffet tables all season long if he doesn’t get his way.  I’ll give the nod to Florida’s Teez Tabor here.
15. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS.  Most of the guys the mock drafts have the Colts taking are guys I have other teams already drafting.  But John Ross is still here and he’s got great speed and there’s no fucking way Irsay is saying no to great speed.  John Ross at WR to the Colts and Hodor has the long threat that can help him hold the door, (oh god I’m so sorry), against the AFC South.
16. BALTIMORE RAVENS.  In a sensible world the Browns would not draft Cook and the Ravens would but this is not a sensible world, it’s my mock draft and that didn’t happen.  Sidney Jones at CB would have nice, but he left his Achilles tendon on the field during his pro day so that’s not going to happen in Round 1.  A lot of people thought that Howard, the TE from ‘Bama, would go here but Dennis Pitta just restructured his contract to stay with Joe Flacco, so they’r probably not going to burn this pick for that position.  Considering all that, and that Terrell Suggs is 34 and one open bottle of bleach away from a lengthy prison sentence I will guess that the Ravens take Bama LB Reuben Foster here.  Bonus points, if this happens apparently Dan Snyder will have a seizure because he really wants Foster.  MAKE THIS HAPPEN BALTIMORE!!!!
17. WASHINGTON SLURS.  What should they do?  Change the fucking name already.  What will they do?  Keep the name, raise the price of parking and sign a bunch of free agents who haven’t been good since Frank Gifford was alive.  If no one’s taken Foster yet, (which could happen because screaming at hospital personnel during the combine doesn’t help your draft potential), there’s no way he gets past Washington.  I. however, sent him to Baltimore, at least partially out of spite for Snyder, so that’s not an option.  Those who aren’t saying Foster are saying Michigan S Jabril Peppers, while also raising questions about whether or not this is a reach.  In my no doubt wildly inaccurate world, however, OSU’s S Malik Hooker has somehow managed to fall out of the Top 1o and not even Snyder is dumb enough to turn away a gift blanket like that.
18. TENNESSEE TITANS.  Their second pick in the first round.  With the first pick I gave them a WR in Mike Williams and then John Ross was sent to Indianapolis so we can’t have them taking another WR this early.  A lot of people are suggesting a CB here which might make sense if you pay attention to the Titans.  I don’t, so I don’t know.  I like where this guy’s head’s at though.  Delanie Walker is 33 and makes $6 million.  Alabama’s TE OJ Howard is young,, 6’6″ and 270, and will not make $6 million a year any time soon.  Give him a year behind Walker and then combine him with Mariotta, Murray and Williams and you got yourself a casserole!  Or, as has also been suggested, you could pair him with Walker like the Patriots did with Gronkowski and Hernandez but considering this guy goes by OJ and considering how well things worked out for Hernandez I’d stay far away from that.
19. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS.  The first thing the Bucs should do should probably be to put a shock collar on Winston that detects his thoughts and shocks him whenever he’s about to say something stupid.  Or allegedly rape someone.  Secondary to that their draft reports indicate they want to give Winston more weapons, (hopefully metaphorically), but the guy they really covet is Howard and even if I’m wrong about him going to Tennessee at 18 even the most delusional Bucs fans seem to concede that he won’t be there at 19.  They could trade down and try to get a TE out of Miami that they seem to like, just not at 19.  But I don’t know who they’d trade with so fuck it.  This is a team that was dumb enough to sign human yield sign Chris Conte so they’ll ignore all the warning signs about Michigan S Jabril Peppers not having a true NFL position and take him here.
20. DENVER BRONCOS.  What should they do?  Well, for selfish reasons they should trade this pick to the Cowboys for Tony Romo so that the Cowboys can move up and draft a pass rusher.  For practical reasons they should probably do something about that offensive line, because the few times I watched them play last year they seemed to have trouble with even the concept of blocking someone, let alone the actual act.  They need to fix that and while there are more mentions of that Miami TE here I like the idea of taking Wisconsin OT Ryan Ramczyk here.  I was originally going to say Alabama’s Cam Robinson here but I looked at both of their summaries and Ramczyk’s first news story didn’t start with “The District Attorney’s office…” and Robinson’s did, so I gave Ramczyk the edge.  Given that this is the NFL I perhaps should have gone the other way.
21. DETROIT LIONS.  What should they do?  Check in with Calvin Johnson and see if he’s bored yet.  The Lions were surprisingly not-shitty without him last year.  Offensively they’re generally OK, assuming Stafford can stay away from fried desserts, but defensively they’re, well, not good.  If you only sack the QB 26 times over 16 weeks you probably need some edge rushers.  Michigan’s Taco Jones and Missouri’s Charles Harris are available.  Taco Charlton has the better name, even if it’s maybe a little too ethnic for Michigan’s dipshit voters, so he gets the nod.
22. MIAMI DOLPHINS.  The Dolphins went 10-6 last year and are in decent shape.  There seems to be a growing consensus that they’ll take Miami TE David Njoku.  Makes as much sense as anything else I guess.  It sounds like he was the best TE before Howard blew up the combine and Senior Bowl.  He’s also a local kid and Miami’s three current TEs are all in the last year of their contract, leaving Lauren Tannehill as the Dolphins only tight end.  (Waits for high five that never comes).  This honestly seems like as much of a sure thing as you’re likely to see in the late first round, aside from the Patriots dumping their pick.
23. NEW YORK GIANTS.  The Giants, for a team that had an OK record, were a goddamn mess last year.  They couldn’t run, ODB is a personal foul away from a mass shooting and Eli Manning spent more time on his back than Faye Reagan.  (Don’t worry, I just linked to her imdb page; I’m not trying to get anyone fired here).  Other than having an odd ability to shut down the Cowboys the defense wasn’t exactly setting records either.  They’re OK now but to me this seems like a team that’s about two injuries from a disaster.  And Eli Manning, despite a fondness for juice boxes, isn’t getting any younger.  My guess is that the Giants decide to risk Scotchnaut’s wrath, (if I’m being honest this is half the reason I’m making this pick), and take Alabama OT and alleged felon Cam Robinson here.  At least one guy thinks Trubisky is going to go to the Giants, but that’s not going to happen without one hell of a trade.  He probably buys Powerball tickets and then is surprised when he watches the draw and doesn’t win.
24. OAKLAND RAIDERS.  What should they do?  Move to Vegas already.  You’re not fooling anyone.  The Raiders were a late-seasonbroken leg away from, I think, making a deep run in the play-offs.  I like their future.  Carr seems like the goods at QB, Amari Cooper is a stud WR, Khalil Mack is a terror on D.  It’s been years since anyone could really say this but things look bright in Oakland, just maybe don’t look at the locker room floor.  Doing a modicum of research it seems that while Mack had 11 sacks the rest of the team had less than 10 combined.  Is that true?  It is as far as I’m concerned.  In light of that I’m going to go away from the trends in the lesser mock drafts, (a CB or the LB out of Vandy), and say that Raiders take Missouri DE Charles Harris doesn’t get to the Cowboys after all.  Wild card bitches!
25. HOUSTON TEXANS.  Well, not defense, that’s for sure.  With Clowney healthy and Watt I’m sure doing all he can, and telling us all about it, to get healthy, the Texans are solid on D.  Offense?  Eh, not so much.  Houston seems like a good trade candidate if one of the top 2 QBs starts to fall a bit, or maybe even for Kizer.  I don’t think they draft one otherwise, at least not here, although as noted others disagree with me.  Note that Texans writers are the only place I’ve seen Mahones even mentioned in the first round so I’m disregarding that.  They could definitely make a move for Cutler or Romo but the former is a free agent and the latter is not getting this pick.  One of their tackles tore patella tendons in both knees last year, which seems bad, and another is 31.  They’d almost certainly take Robinson or Ramczyk is they fell here but they didn’t so they can’t.  They can, however, take Garett Bolles, OT out of Utah, and that’s my call.
26. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS.  What should they do?  I dunno, get a QB who doesn’t say bat-shit insane stuff every other time he opens his mouth? get a QB who doesn’t publish pictures that make it look like he’s eating his pregnant wife’s ass?  Related, I find Russell Wilson beyond obnoxious and openly root for him to get hurt.  But I digress.  Making the rounds it looks like the Seahawks would prefer to use this pick on an offensive lineman to give Russ more protection than God was apparently willing to do last year, but I’ve already drafted the top 3 of those and no one else is in sight so keep running Russ.  With no first round O-line talent available the Seahawks turn to reinforcing the Legion Of Subtle Pass Interference and take Alabama CB Marlon Humphrey here.
27. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS.  What should they do?  Win a goddamn play-off game in Otto’s lifetime.  Having cut loose Jamaal Charles they could use a RB but unless they trade up it’s not happening in the first round.  And the only thing I can find about the Chiefs and trading indicate that they want to trade back, not forward, which means they’re adopting Andy Reid’s clock management as a draft strategy.  It’s a bold strategy Cotton, let’s see how it works out!  Absent some sort of dramatic move up for an RB the vast amount of research I’ve done indicates they’d like some help at ILB for an aging Derrick Johnson and here I’ve gone and let this LB from Vanderbilt, Zach Cunningham, slip a few spots.  Off to KC with you Mr. Cunningham; enjoy the ribs.
28. DALLAS COWBOYS.  What should they do?  Some how, some way, they need to get someone who can consistently get pressure on the QB.  I’m kind of terrified that they’re going to try to repeat the Byron Jones pick and take the other UCONN kid who Mike Mamula’d the combine and I doubt they’ll catch that kind of lightning twice.  They could also use a LB since Sean Lee is going to be lucky to recall his initials soon.  I wouldn’t mind seeing the Davis kid from Florida taken here even if he’s more of a run-stopping LB than a pass rusher.  Also intriguing is Alabama’s Tim Williams, an immensely talented OLB with a history of multiple failed drug tests, possession of marijuana and weapons possession.  The thing is he kept playing for Alabama and it’s not like Nick Saban has a shortage of talented guys to choose from so he must be really fucking good.  And Jerry Jones loves, loves, LOVES dipshits like this, so, yeah, the Cowboys are going to draft Tim Williams and he’ll probably play four games in the next two years while serving various suspensions.  Say hi to Randy Gregory for us Tim!
29. GREEN BAY PACKERS.  What should they do?  Draft a kicker.  I don’t like the one you have now.  There’s nothing the Packers need on offense, at least at first glance.  They do now need to replace TJ Lang, off to the Lions for the money and shorter work year.  They could take Forrest Lamp but I’ve noticed everyone’s saying they’ll go CB again and I’ve let Florida’s Quincy Wilson in the Green Room so long he’s starting to dehydrate.  The Packers pick him here and Rodgers tells him that sometimes waiting longer than you thought isn’t the worst thing in the world.  Then he’ll ask Wilson is he likes gladiator movies.
30. PITTSBURGH STEELERS.  It’s late, I’m tired and I kind of hate the Steelers.  Fuck the Rooney Way, fuck No Means Ben and fuck their holier than thou attitude when their glory teams of the 70’s were roided up to the point that Hulk Hogan would have suggested they dial it back a bit.  But Joe Greene was fucking awesome and I don’t care how much of a double-standard that was.  Mean Joe was the shit.  Anyway, the Steelers love linebackers and Jarrad Davis is a LB from Florida with some good press so fuck it, Pittsburgh takes Jarrad Davis.  There’s also a LB from Temple named Haason Reddick who would be a good choice, but his name, like Taco Jones’s, is a little too ethnic for Western PA these days.  RISE ABOVE YOUR PREJUDICES AND MY HATEFUL ASSUMPTIONS PITTSBURGH!!!  (Although Jarrad Davis should still be the pick because the competition in the SEC is a smidge better than Temple saw, which involved UCONN.
31. ATLANTA FALCONS.  The Falcons should have won the Super Bowl last year so when we ask “what should they do?” the correct answer, “get someone who can calculate time and score and use that calculation to run the ball up the middle twice and then kick a goddamn FG to put the game essentially out of reach”, that doesn’t really help us with the draft.  That is, however, what they should do.  In terms of the draft they need, desperately, to get someone besides Vic Beasely who can drop a QB.  In fairness they did do that pretty well in the Super Bowl but were obviously exhausted in the final minutes and might not have been able to get past the Bears offensive line, let alone the Patriots.  The two names I keep seeing are Takkarist McKinely out of UCLA and Malik McDowell out of Michigan State.  I give McKinely the slightest of edges here here, because his name is just a little bit cooler.
32. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS.  If you haven’t heard the Saints just traded Brandin Cooks to the Patriots for this pick.  Are you fucking kidding me New Orleans?  It’s bad enough your QB shills for a (allegedly) scam organization, you have to scam the NFL by sending a really, really good young WR to the Patriots, about the only place where the QB is an upgrade over Drew Brees!?  What the fuck is the matter with you?  How does this help anyone?  You assholes are up to something and I think I know what it is.  Early mock drafts had the Saints taking a safety here.  Every year there’s one guy who blows out the combine and teams shit themselves to draft him, doing dumbass things like making the best team in the NFL, (oh God that hurt), even better.  This year that guy is UCONN’s own S, Obi Melinfowu, and my guess is that the Saints ate hoping they can nab him here, before the rounds flip.  I think they can, and I hope it works and I hope they make the Super Bowl and I hope he buries Tom Brady on a blitz while Cooks runs the wrong route.