The scene: The meeting room of the DFO clubhouse. Unsurprised is tied to a chair while Future Clone Debbie Harry sits at the head of the table in Darkest Timeline Zach Morris’s super-special Prez chair.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: OK, let’s hear it again. Who am I prettier than?

Unsurprised: Everybody. Can you let me go now?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: No. I want names.

Unsurprised (sighing): Gwen Stefani, Kate Upton, Scarlett Johansson, Raquel Welch, that chick who plays the khaleesi…

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Keep going.

Unsurprised: Um… Look, I’m tired, I haven’t slept in thirty-six hours, and I think these ropes are cutting off my circulation. Can’t we just leave it at everybody?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: No. If you ever want to leave, you’ll just have to…

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

PK (entering the room huffing and puffing): Hey…guys…I…

Future Clone Debbie Harry: What is it, lackey?

PK (still gasping): I…found…this…guy….

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Well, I’m sure the two of you will be very happy together.

PK (face red, sucking wind): No…I…mean…

Future Clone Debbie Harry: By the Holy Cat GIFs! I am being complimented here! Take your breathless bulk and get out before I get angry!

PK (totally winded): But…I…

Future Clone Debbie Harry: OUT!

PK staggers out of the room.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (to Unsurprised): Now, where were we?

Unsurprised: Um… Lynda Carter?

Future Clone Debbie Harry (smiling brightly): Why, I think I’m actually beginning to like you!

Cut to: Chihuahua, Mexico, where the DFO had only just turned back a zombie horde before interdimensional psychotic clowns began pouring out of a yuuuge sky-hole. In other words, it’s…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (eyes dilated): Clownmania!

OSZ: Hmm. No, that sounds too upbeat. Those clowns rushing toward us with sharp instruments in their hands look…

King Hippo (still hefting the tied-to-a-chair Brocky): Bloodthirsty?

OSZ: Definitely. This is gonna end up looking like something out of a Herschell Gordon Lewis nightmare.

Brocky: So how come you’re so calm about it?

OSZ: Oh, I am baked right now. Like, seriously fried. I found Rikki’s stash and smoked the whole damn thing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Dude! Uncool! That was all I had left of the stuff I stole from Marc!

OSZ (with a wry grin): Shaka-braka, brah!

Lord Revisisle wanders up, trying to shake a zombie head off of his saber. For its part, the head is sneering at him and snapping its teeth.

Lord Revisisle (casting a wary eye at the oncoming mob of clowns): Gentlemen. I daresay we have defeated one enemy only to find ourselves beset by an even worse threat.

Brocky: Kinda like the Falcons making the Super Bowl.

Lord Revisisle: I would hope our odds are better than that.

Brocky: Hey, Revisisle, you wanna cut me loose here?

OSZ (shaking his head): Uh-uh. Nope. I already told you, you’re gonna sit in that chair and think about what you did.

Brocky: I have! A lot!

OSZ: Besides, that’s my rope, and it’s no good if it’s all cut up.

King Hippo (lifting the chair up as the clowns approach): Ah, yer prob’ly more use this way. Ya give the chair some real heft. It wouldn’t be near as good a weapon without ya.

Brocky (blushing): Aww…really? Gee, that’s nice to hear!

The horde of clowns close in on the DFOers, gibbering and cackling madly as they brandish all sorts of sharp, dangerous weaponry.

Lord Revisisle: Right, then. Gentlemen, it’s been good to know you.

OSZ: You, too, Revisisle.

King Hippo: I just wish I’d gotten the chance ta join yer club.

Brocky: Aw, trust me, big guy. We’ll let you into DFO Heaven.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Where the booze runs freely…

Lord Revisisle: The cheerleaders always wear short skirts…

OSZ: And the Patriots lose every game!

The clowns rush toward the DFOers in a maddened frenzy. They are mere yards away when there’s the roar of an engine and Doktor Zymm’s RV smashes into the mob. Clowns go flying. One bounces off the front of the RV with a honking sound, then goes under the wheels and explodes into multi-colored confetti. Another splats against the windshield like a yuuuge water balloon filled with bright green, yellow and blue paint. Several clowns rush the RV angrily, but the flamethrower spews a stream of fire that sets them ablaze. They run around willy-nilly and on fire until exploding like giant popcorn kernels.

OSZ: Huh. Maybe I shouldn’t have smoked the whole stash after all.

[RV DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Behind the wheel sits Moosemas Gorilla, Horatio Cornblower perched on his shoulder. The other DFOers are inside as well.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: C’mon, guys! It looks like the real fight is at that castle, and those guys need our help!

OSZ and the rest pile into the RV. The door shuts. Then it opens a moment later and Cookiethulhu tosses the zombie head that had been on Lord Revisisle’s saber out onto the ground.

Cookiethulhu (as the door closes): Really, old chum, those things are quite unhygienic.

Cut to: The Castle of Death, where Low Commander is leading the charge against the clowns, backed up by WCS and a recalcitrant Otto’s Brain, Pirate Sloth, and the luchadores Señor Weaselo and La Araña Discoteca.

Señor Weaselo (drop kicking a clown): Stay strong, my friends! Together we will turn back this attack!

Otto’s Brain (being swung like a weapon by WCS): Not likely! If these clowns keep pouring out of that sky-hole, they’re gonna overrun us sooner or later!

Pirate Sloth (beating a clown with the clown arm he’s been carrying): Aye, Otto be right! Clowns be a pernicious lot, an’ they know no fear!

WCS (bashing a clown over the head with Otto’s Brain): We’re going to have to have faith in Zymm, guys! She’s gotten us out of worse situations than this!

Otto’s Brain: Well, yeah…but she’s usually the one to get us into them in the first place!

Cut to: Inside the Castle of Death, where Man in Plaid #2’s head is revealing his plan to Doktor Zymm and Future Moose.

Doktor Zymm: You are telling us zat…you have an explosive in your head?

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: Yes. It is a small but powerful fusion bomb. All Men in Plaid have them, as a last resort in case of catastrophic mission failure.

Future Moose: Is it a big enough bomb to seal that damn portal?

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: Oh, yes. In fact…

Future Moose: So we just have to get you up there, and you can go boom and save the day?

Doktor Zymm: Ach!

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: Well, I…

Future Moose (hefting Man in Plaid #2’s head): I’m stronger than a human, but I don’t know if I can throw you that far.

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: No, I was thinking of…

Future Moose (shrugging): Eh, what have we got to lose? Appreciate the sacrifice, guy. Any last words?

Man in Plaid #2’s Head (sighing): Yes. Take the bomb out first, please.

Future Moose: Come again?

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: Doktor Zymm should be able to remove the bomb easily.

Doktor Zymm (taking Man in Plaid #2’s head away from Future Moose): Gladly! But…ve still need a vay to launch ze bomb into ze portal…

Cut to: Some bushes outside the Castle of Death. They rustle, and then a figure emerges out of them. It’s JJ Fozz, back in his normal human form once again.

JJ Fozz: Oh, my aching head. What the hell happened…?

JJ Fozz looks up in disbelief at the giant portal in the sky, then at the mass of brightly-colored figures falling from it and rushing towards the castle in frenzied mobs.

JJ Fozz (his brow furrowing grimly): Clowns. I hate clowns.

To be continued…