Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
- Your “My Nuts Are Falling” Friday Evening Open Thread – September 21, 2018
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- Your “Cincy vs Buffalo, I Wouldn’t Even Watch This In Regular Season So Why Am I Watching It Now?” Midday Sunday Thread Of Apathy – August 26, 2018
[7:36pm, Tombstone, Arizona]
The sun is about to duck below the horizon and the last of the day’s glow is soon destined to follow. As evening transitions into dusk, our heroes are beginning to feel desperate.
Nonetheless, the two continue to search for the only store still open and finally find it.
balls: This is it.
tWBS: Wow, really? It’s not exactly….
balls: We don’t have a lot of choices.
tWBS: Fair enough.
The two enter the store and begin looking at the “inventory”.
tWBS: Do you even realize how cliche all this is? People didn’t dress this way back then. This is how Hollywood has told us they dressed. You get that….right?
balls: Dude…what’s your problem? Why are you being such a shithead and ruining this for me?
tWBS: I’m sorry, sincerely. And I dunno. I guess I just hate how I left things with Dave. I mean it’s not his fault. He’s scared. Especially after what Tony and Shelly put him through. I should have been more sensitive to his….
tWBS: …fears and concerns. And now I’ve cheated on him with Natasha Nicole….which is a way gay name by the way….and I just feel dirty.
balls: You know, I’ve been meaning to ask you about this since back at the auto body place…. You really do believe Dave is alive and could have driven himself home…don’t you?
tWBS (scoffing): What? No, of course not. That’s crazy talk.
balls: OK, I just wanted to be sure because it sounded like….
tWBS: I mean like I told him… There’s no way he could pump his own gas. Shit, no more than is in his tank right now he’d probably not even make it to the New Mexico state line. Then he’d be calling me all sorry and shit, acting like it was my fault….you know what? Don’t get me started.
balls: Oooookay. Enough depressing and frankly, also very batshit insane, talk. Let’s just find what we need for tonight’s party. OK?
tWBS: Fine with me, Brokeback. But if I put on a cowboy hat and you try to hump me, it’s going to change our friendship forever.
balls: Don’t worry. Your anus is safe from me.
tWBS: Did I say I was worried? I mean, let’s not rule anything out.
balls (laughing): Just go find something and let’s get going, dumbass.
The two collect various items and each duck into a changing room…
tWBS (giggling): You ready?
balls (giggling harder): Yep. On three…
On the count of three both step out and look in the mirror….
balls: Me too. We do look pretty good tho.
tWBS: WE NEED AN ADULT!!!!!!
balls: OK, fine. Try again?
They both duck back to their changing rooms then five minutes later, on the count of three….
tWBS: Wow. This is starting to get a little too eerie. Not to mention that it’s creeping me right the fuck out.
balls: Agreed. We need to not do this anymore now.
They both duck back into their respective changing rooms and give it one last go.
tWBS: So this is what we’re going with, huh?
balls: *sigh* As I said before, we don’t have a lot of choices, do we….?
tWBS: Fiiine. But I swear if I catch you trying to sneak up behind me….the werewolves will be the least of your worries.
balls: Werewolves, huh? Is this gonna be another “El Camino” thing?
tWBS: I’m not saying it is. I’m not saying it’s not. You’ll just have to wait and see.
balls: Great. Can’t wait. C’mon, we’ve still got to get back to the hotel and shower. Let’s head over there. I do not want to be late for this.
tWBS: “This” being….
balls: Shut up.
tWBS: Say it.
balls: *sigh* My chance to get inside Tanya’s very generously proportioned pants.
tWBS: There it is!!!! But yes, let’s go.
After showers and a pre-party drink or two, the two walk from the hotel towards the Old Town. After a little ways, they begin to hear the sounds of music and laughter. They follow the noise, turn a corner and see a saloon. It’s the only place with activity, and it is only getting louder by the minute…
In the darkness, they can’t make out the name at first. As they get closer it becomes clearer. The two look at each other in amazement…
balls: Big Nose….
tWBS: …Kate’s. Holy shit. You know who that is right?
balls: Doc Holli….
tWBS: Yes!!! Doc Holliday’s chick. This is gonna be fun. What time you got?
balls (looking at his watch): Ummm…9:58.
tWBS: It’s just a coincidence tho…right? I mean of course the password has the name Kate in it if this is where the party is. It just happens to be the name of a tourist trap saloon in Tombstone…right? That’s not weird. Is it?
balls: Shouldn’t be, no. But yes, feels weird.
At 10:01pm on the dot, balls knocks. A voice from inside replies.
Voice: I’m sorry, but we’re closed for the evening for a private party. Please come back tomorrow during regular business h…..
balls: Klondike Kate.
The music stops, as does every other noise inside. After a moment, the doors swing open. Tanya is there waiting.
Tanya: Well, how about that. I didn’t think you were going to show. Come on in boys, let me introduce you around.
The music and laughter resumes just as before. balls and tWBS enter the saloon, and the doors shut behind them.
The two look around in amazement. It appears every actor in the town has stayed late for this party tonight.
tWBS (to balls): It must be like some monthly employment perk or something probably.
balls: They do all seem happy.
As the two look around the room, they see a lot of familiar faces…
Sitting in the corner, speaking in hushed tones, are Morgan and Virgil Earp….
Standing at the far end of the bar, and looking more than a little worried about our heroes’ arrival, is Wyatt Earp….
While at the gaming table, dealing the cards as always, is Doc Holliday….
In addition to the familiar faces, is what appears to be the entire ensemble of extras employed in one capacity or another by the town. There are storekeeps, cowboys, ladies of the night…you name them, and they showed up for this party tonight.
tWBS: Dude. This is awesome.
balls: It really is.
tWBS: Thank you so much for talking me into this.
balls: I have to say, I’m really amazed at the likenesses of….
Tanya: I’m glad you like it. Let’s get you guys a drink, then we’ll go from there.
The two begin drinking. Soon they begin playing cards. Hours go by in what seems like only minutes. Eventually, Tanya looks at balls and says….
Tanya: So cowboy, is cards the only thing you came here to play with? Are you ever gonna take me upstairs…..? You better hurry if you are.
balls: Yes!!!! Upstairs!! That sounds like an excellent idea. (to tWBS) … You’re cool down here?
tWBS: Yeah, I’m good. This Holliday fucker is dealing off the bottom again, but I’m wise to him. You go, do your thang.
balls: Did you just say “thang”?
tWBS: Yes…and would you like to discuss that right now? Or would you like to go bang Tanya within an inch of her life?
Without saying another word, balls grabs Tanya by the hand and the two quickly climb the stairs together and duck off into one of the rooms. tWBS continues to play cards against Doc Holliday as the first light of dawn begins to break.
tWBS: So Doc, you cheating fucker….lemme ask you something.
Doc Holliday: Shoot.
tWBS: Interesting word…you keep cheating and I just might. But here’s my question….How come you decided to not be a dentist anymore, and then you just kinda chucked it all for a life of….well, you know…shit?
Doc Holliday (laughs wryly): Well tWBS, that IS a very interesting question. The timing of which is suspect…if I may make such an observation. But, allow me to answer your question with a question of my own…if I might?
tWBS: Sure, knock yourself out.
Doc Holliday: Why, pray tell, did you stop being a Veterinarian?
tWBS freezes. The cards fall from his hands, landing face up on the table. Doc Holliday looks at them and grins.
Doc Holliday: Shame. You had a flush Ace high. Shall we go again? We don’t have much time left.
tWBS: I’m not even going to ask how you…
tWBS trembles a moment, then regains his composure.
tWBS: You know what? Doesn’t matter. Just deal ’em, Shithead.
Doc Holliday (excited now): Ah, there we go! That’s the spirit. Let’s dance a little, shall we?
tWBS: Damned right. And you already know the reason.
Doc Holliday: Yes Sir, I do indeed. Very similar to myself, in fact. Kind of puts things in perspective, does it not? One should not believe everything one sees in movies.
tWBS: Shut your trap and deal the cards, Holliday.
Doc Holliday: But of course, Sir.
About 30 minutes later, as the sun is about to peek above the horizon to the east, the party is still in full swing. Doc Holliday and tWBS are locked in a struggle of wills as they seemingly trade money back and forth every other hand. Finally, tWBS draws into a straight flush, King high.
tWBS: So Holliday, what’s the limit on this table?
Doc Holliday: Why tWBS I am appalled you would ask such. The only limit here is….time.
tWBS pushes all of his chips to the center of the table.
tWBS: In that case….I’m all in.
Doc Holliday: You’re certain are you? Well, if you insist I suppose I am encumbered to be a gracious host. I’ll call.
As the first beams of sunlight begin to flow into the saloon, the two show their hands. Holliday’s Royal Flush sits on the table, mocking tWBS.
tWBS (jumping up and drawing his pistol): Why you cheating son of a…. Oh and hey, where’d this pistol come from?
Doc Holliday (pistol already drawn): Ah, ah…..you don’t want to die here tonight. Trust us, we know.
tWBS: What does that mean?
Doc Holliday: tWBS, it has truly been a privilege and an honor. (Doc holsters his iron) … Wyatt and the boys and I have to go now tho. Safe travels to you and yours, of course.
tWBS: Wait, what now?
Doc Holliday (to Wyatt Earp who is speaking but tWBS can’t hear him): No, Wyatt, I will most certainly NOT tell him that… NO….. Fine Wyatt, you win. You always were a stickler for the details, were you not? … (to tWBS) … tWBS, have you ever seen Jos……
The sun’s light beams in fully now, and like an ethereal vapor, everyone in the saloon other than tWBS slowly fades into nothingness and disappears.
tWBS (panicking!!!!): BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
balls running down the stairs now…..
balls (panicking!!!!): TWBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tWBS: Oh shit did you? Did SHE?????
balls: Fuck no! And yes she did! (looking at the empty saloon) … Same shit down here too, huh?
balls: Get the fuck out of here????
tWBS: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!!!
The duo wakes up the next morning in their hotel room. They are extremely tired.
balls (yawning): WTF happened last night?
tWBS (annoyed, sitting in a chair, and totally not browsing porn): Not a goddammed thing! I was all ready to go to the party and you conked out on me! I couldn’t wake you up. Then you started talking and…shit, must have been a helluva dream.
balls: WHAT?!? What the fuck are you talking about? We went and I almost got ghost laid and you were playing cards with Doc Holliday!
tWBS: Uh, no I wasn’t.
balls: Yes, you were!
tWBS: No, I wasn’t.
balls: Are you fucking with me again?
tWBS (laughing): Dude, I really wish I was! Do you know how much I’d give to actually play cards against Doc Holliday? I think maybe you had an acid flashback or something.
balls: Well, why didn’t you have one then?
tWBS: Two words: Tolerance.
balls: Wait, that’s one word.
tWBS: Not if you say it in redneck.
balls: Goddammit tWBS!!!
As they get dressed, balls tells tWBS the story of what he thought happened. The sun brightens as the two reach Natasha Nicole…and it is NOT a way gay name, so there…
tWBS (giggling): Wow man, you can’t catch a fucking break.
balls: Whaddya mean?
tWBS: OK, just think about it. How many times this trip have I done some stupid shit at just the wrong moment….balls no get laid. And now, here we are in an honest to god ghost town….and you’re about to get ghost laid by a hot as fuck ghost hooker…. in your own personal Tombstone fantasy acid flashback….
balls: She wasn’t a hooker. She was a Ghost Courtes…
tWBS: Trust me…in the future, when I tell this story she’ll be a ghost hooker. It’s funnier. Anyway, here you are with a ghost hooker begging you to ghost bang her….and fuck if the sun doesn’t come up and…. POOF. I mean holy shit. (laughing, shaking his head) … Even in your own personal acid flashback you got…I mean I just can’t even imagine … You know what? Here…..
tWBS tosses balls the Natasha Nicole keys.
tWBS: You’ve earned it, my friend. Besides, when are you ever gonna get another chance to drive a car like this? Fuck the police!!!!!!
balls smiles. The two hop in and take off….
The two ride along in silence for a little while, when tWBS speaks up.
tWBS: You do know the gas pedal is in the same place in Natasha Nicole as in every other car you’ve ever driven….right?
balls: Shut up.
tWBS: I’m just checking. You don’t seem to be able to find it.
As balls guides Natasha Nicole north along 80 towards Benson, tWBS leans over to look and sees that he has thus far topped out at a whopping 36mph!!!!
tWBS: Dude, just punch it…or I will never forgive you.
balls: Shut up…in a minute. I’m getting used to her.
tWBS: Speaking of which…Tanya.
balls: What about her?
tWBS: Well I mean, before she went all….POOF n junk….did you at least get to, you know….? Stick it in?
balls (sighing): No. I was about to, and then….
tWBS: Pity. I’m kinda wondering now if ghost tail feels the same as real tail.
balls: Yeah, me too.
tWBS: Oh that reminds me. In your stupor as you were waking up, you said that Doc Holliday told me something weird just before they all went…you know.
balls: Why am I thinking I don’t want to hear this?
tWBS: No, no. No big deal. You merely said that he wants us to go see “Jaws”.
balls: “Jaws”. The movie. Doc Holliday wants us to go see “Jaws”? I seriously doubt that is what he….
tWBS: Hey look, I’m doing the best I can. This is your fucking acid flashback I’m having to try to interpret here. And besides, these fucking ghosts need to start being a little less fucking cryptic before they fucking disappear next time. I’m getting tired of this bullshit!!!!!!
balls: Are you OK?
balls: OK, relax. We’ll figure it out.
They drive another few minutes as balls begins to open Natasha Nicole up…phrasing…boom…
tWBS: But at least on the bright side….it wasn’t Werewolves. Right?
tWBS leans over and looks at the speedometer again.
tWBS(sarcastically): Wow. 40. Let me hang onto something.
balls slowly gets a feel for Natasha Nicole, and by the time they reach the interstate again, he’s ready….and he guns it…
tWBS (excited and also a little scared): I just want you to know that even if you kill us, I am so proud of you right nowwwww!!!!!!
Very quickly now, they arrive back at the rental car place.
balls: Wow, that was fun.
tWBS: See, told ya. And no cops this time even. Check you out getting all Caucasian n junk.
The two drop off Natasha Nicole’s keys, then balls says goodbye, and they cross the street to the auto body place. As they approach the store…
tWBS: Ummmm….dude? Where’s Dave. I don’t see Dave. This is not cool, man. I swear to God if….
balls: Hey. Relax. Let me go inside and see what’s what? You wait here?
tWBS: Yeah, that’s probably best.
Ten minutes later, tWBS is getting very nervous. He’s about to storm into the store and demand an explanation when he hears a familiar sound as balls comes tearing around the corner from behind the store in the driver’s seat of Dave…..
tWBS (crying a little maybe): Oh Dave, you look so good. I’m so sorry about the things I said. No, no…it’s OK. I know. We were both mad…we said things we didn’t mean. Never again, I promise.
tWBS goes to tongue kiss Dave…
tWBS (startled): Right, sorry!!!! (to Dave) … We’ll talk later.
balls: Alright, so what now?
tWBS: Now we’ve got some time to make up. We’re supposed to meet someone later in Phoenix, and at this point we’ll be cutting it close. (thinks for a moment) … But if traffic isn’t too bad we should be able to make it.
balls: Wait, who are we meeting in Phoenix?
tWBS: It’s a surprise guest. Don’t ruin it.
balls: *sigh* Need to know?
tWBS: Yes, for now. Right now, let’s just drive.
The two climb into the new-old Dave and get moving. They gas up, grab some snacks, and hit la 10 west, bound for Phoenix. Tucson is soon well beyond their rearview mirror. Very quickly, they roll thru Marana, Arizona….
They drive a while further. Soon they are passing by Casa Grande.
tWBS: Hey!!! There’s a really cool course here in Casa Grande that I used to….
They continue driving and are quickly entering the sprawl of the Phoenix Metro area. tWBS takes in the familiar sights. Soon he sees an exit he knows very well.
tWBS: Lemme show you something. When I lived in Arizona…at different times I lived in Chandler, Mesa, Gilbert, and then Mesa again. But Gilbert was the coolest, by far. In fact there was a golf course there I was a member of for years that….
balls: Goddammit, I said no!!!
tWBS: Trust me on this one. Let’s just go to the driving range. We’ve got some time to kill and you’ll like it. This wasn’t my favorite course for nothing. Lots of rich college kids live in Gilbert and commute to ASU. Lots of them are girls. Some of them…like golf. You see where I’m going…?
balls: Fine. But just this once.
The two make their way to the driving range….
balls: OK, I now admit I may have been a bit overly dismissive of your love of golf. Can we stay here forever?
tWBS: No, we can’t. But we can stay a little while. Let’s get some drinks and some food and watch the scenery, shall we? Then we’ll move on. Sound good?
balls: Yes. Yes it does. And thank you for sharing this with me.
tWBS (laughing): My pleasure.
To be continued….