We all know the saying:  As American as apple pie (Sweden), hot dogs (Germany, of course) and hamburgers (Mongolia?).

That’s right.  According to legend (aka a Wiki search), a possible ancestor to the ‘murican hamburger was courtesy of Khan and Kompany.

No, not Mr. Roarke, good ol’ Genghis.  Supposedly Genny K (that’s what his hordes called him) and friends would pack meat under their saddles (also the term for a popular sex act in Indiana) while riding through the desert until it was warmed through and shredded, then they’d pile it up on some form of bread and, one way or or another, eat it.

Fast forward to summers in the USA with a grill in every backyard and an endless number of tacky aprons worn by fathers everywhere, each one professing to have mastered the perfect cheeseburger.  Granted, there is nothing better than a nice, thick burger hot off the grill with all the classic condiments and sides, but unfortunately the restaurant industry has taken a simple classic and had to go all pretentious and shit by adding nonsense like goose liver and truffle aeoli.  That ain’t what the Mongol’s had in mind, so let’s return to the basics and make it the way your Grandmother wished your Grandfather could have made.  No saddle required.

This is actually a two-parter.  The first half will be about sourcing the meat and grinding it up.  Yep, that’s the key to this whole process, making your own ground beef.  Ideally, we could grind it right before making the patties and cooking, which I often do, but this is supposed to be a quick weekday effort.  Also, if I’m going to go through all the trouble of setting up the meat grinder, I’m gonna make a bunch.  That means freezing, and there’s a right and a wrong way to do that too.

For burgers, the preferred lean to fat ratio is around 80/20.  The best luck I’ve had so far is a combination of Yeah Right approved chuck roast leaned up with a few boneless beef short ribs for added “beefiness”.  I usually make about 4 pounds at a time, using 3 pds chuck and one of short ribs.  I’ll usually find a roast a 1/4 pd or so over because you always seem to lose a bit during grinding.  Also, look for the leanest one in the case as there is always more fat in the hidden side.  Same with the short ribs, if there is a rind-like layer of fat on the bottom I like to trim it away as it doesn’t cook well.

Cut everything into even strips in preparation for grinding.  I like the 1/4 inch grinder plate for this, it’s best for all purpose meat grinding.  Shall we?

You’ll need one these, with one of those:

This is what you end up with:

Sorry, no action photos of the actual grinding, but you get the idea.  Make sure to use the biggest stainless steel bowl you have so there is plenty of room to keep the meat mixed up as it grinds.  Always mix ground meat like you’re tossing a salad (calm down),  never squeeze the meat as that can make it tough.

If you’re ready to make burgers, go ahead and fast-forward to that part, otherwise we’ll get ready to freeze. (edit: see below)

As mentioned, freezing the wrong way will ruin all that lovely protein.  The most common culprit is freezer burn, which happens if there is too much air available.  Another problem is freezing too slowly.  Commercial operations use blast chillers to freeze food rapidly, which reduces mushiness when thawed.  I can’t quite replicate that, but we can get close with a few techniques.  We will need another toy of course, but who doesn’t love those?!

The best way to buy meat at the supermarket is still frozen and vacuum-packed whenever possible.  Meat arrives at the store usually frozen, they just thaw it out for you.  Check the label, it will likely say previously frozen, and I’d rather do the thawing myself.  Want to ruin that steak all wrapped up on a styrofoam tray?  Just stick it straight in the freezer, all that air around the meat only promotes freezer burn.  We can get around both of these problems with our new tool, which would be a vacuum sealer.  You’ll need a few sizes of the special bags too.

I weigh it out into 1 or 2 pound portions.  Unfortunately with this type of vacuum sealer you have to use the pricey bags, but it’s worth it.  Fill and weigh each bag, then push all the meat to the bottom before smooshing flat, getting as much air out as possible.  The goal is to get the bag as flat and dense as possible.  Flat because the thinner package will freeze faster due to all the extra surface area, dense because we want as much air out as possible.  Once you have that done, it’s time to go all Nina Hartley on this shit:

As the machine sucks away, you have to stroke your bag.  Yeah, that was pretty cheap, just humor me.  What I mean is, help the out vacuum by coaxing as many visible air pockets as possible towards the top; remember, air is our enemy.  Once that is done and sealed, release the clamp and move the bag down a bit, then reseal to play it safe.  Finally you can label and date each parcel in preparation to join Walt Disney’s bigoted brain (I mean freezing, of course).

Remember, the faster we get to suspended animation the better, but the typical home fridge doesn’t flash freeze so good.  We can get close though with a little preparation.  If your freezer control is set to max, you should have turned it back a few notches ago before we started.  Do I have to think of everything?  There’s a method to this madness, however.  When you are ready to put your meat on ice, lay the bags flat and as close to the top, or wherever your freezer’s air outlet is, as possible.  If there’s a spot designated for ice cream, go for that.  DO NOT stack your bags, I capped that shit so you know I mean it, we need all the air contact we can muster.  Once that’s done, crank the freezer knob to eleven.  That will kick the compressor on and chill the meat down reasonably quickly, so before you know it you’ll have  nice, hard slabs of frozen dead cow.  This might seem a little anal (insert additional Nina Hartley reference here), but every little bit helps.

Fuck me I’m getting tired, and this sweet Malbec buzz isn’t helping (actually, it is).  I imagine you’re as tired of reading this tl;dr as I am writing it, so I think I’ll leave the actual burger making part until next week.  Besides, I only have so many arrows in my quiver, which sounds remarkably like a British sexual reference, so I gots to pace this shit out.  Tune in a week from now for actual meal preparation and more 80’s adult film star references, I suppose when it comes to the toasting of the buns part I might have to delve into the realm of…alternate…porn.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…