Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- Why I Won’t Be Watching The NFL This Year: Your 2019 Homeless Raiders Season Preview – August 21, 2019
- Request Line: Poolside – August 16, 2019
- Request Line: Boots on the Ground – August 9, 2019
INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY
A pair of radio professionals are standing in front a large piece of electronic equipment. The large piece of electronic equipment is visibly excited, no I don’t know how to show that onscreen you’re supposed to be some big hotshot director, you figure it out.
PRODUCER: All right, it’s finally time.
CONNOR, THE INTERN: You ready, buddy?
DJ 3000: I SURE AM.
PRODUCER: You got your callout notes?
DJ 3000: THEY HAVE BEEN FULLY DIGITIZED AND ARE STORED IN A HASHABLE ARRAY FOR INSTANT RETRIEVAL.
CONNOR, THE INTERN: And your tonal settings are good?
DJ 3000: [autotuned] AFF-IRM-A-TIVE.
PRODUCER: All right, then here…we…
Suddenly, DJ 3000’s screen flashes white, then starts to fill with static.
The static slowly starts to resolve itself…
Until a set of human features can be distinguished.
GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: Hey guys.
PRODUCER: Holy cow. Chris Cornell? How did this happen?
GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: Well, have you seen that movie “White Noise”?
CONNOR, THE INTERN: No.
DJ 3000: No.
ELI MANNING: No.
RUSSELL OKUNG: Naw.
CAM NEWTON: No.
RAY LEWIS: I didn’t see nothin’.
MATT McGLOIN: No.
BEANSIE: Eek eek!
MYLES JACK: No.
ELI MANNING: No.
WES WELKER: Banana!
BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble your mom I mean no.
RQBOCOP: I am not familiar with that motion picture.
ELI APPLE: No.
AMARI COOPER: [shakes head]
GARY KUBIAK: No.
COOPER MANNING: Yes…[looks at ELI MANNING, who slowly shakes his head]…I mean, no.
MARK DAVIS: No.
JIM TOMSULA: No.
MATT RYAN: I did.
Everyone stares at him.
MATT RYAN: [shrugs] It was pretty good.
GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: Anyhow, I can use radio devices to talk to people one last time. And I’m pretty sure you guys know how much I loved music, so I thought this would be an appropriate place to say goodbye. I was thinking…
— [radio flies open] —
GHOST OF ROGER AILES: Jee no waba mu ba outmian nudcha.
PRODUCER: What the…? What did he say?
GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: Oh, that’s just Roger’s original tongue. He wanted to say goodbye too.
GHOST OF ROGER AILES: Chuba meet nu but uba, hehehe.
GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: And that…liberals are…uh, not good.
GHOST OF ROGER AILES: Ulwan beya ta too kah eel huba pa na jokaaaa….. [fading away]
GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: I’m not going to translate that last bit. It was really racist.
PRODUCER: Where’d he go?
GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: Oh, don’t worry about him. They’re sending him to a place that will remind him of his home planet. It’s, uh, nice and warm. Well, not “nice”, so to speak. But it’s warm. On that note, let’s get to it! Today’s topic is THE AFTERLIFE! Heaven, hell, purgatory, Valhalla, wherever you think people end up when the curtain goes down. I’ll get us started with a classic from Pink Floyd. So long, everybody. It’s been real.