Request Line: The Afterlife

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

A pair of radio professionals are standing in front a large piece of electronic equipment.  The large piece of electronic equipment is visibly excited, no I don’t know how to show that onscreen you’re supposed to be some big hotshot director, you figure it out.

PRODUCER: All right, it’s finally time.

CONNOR, THE INTERN:  You ready, buddy?

DJ 3000: I SURE AM.

PRODUCER: You got your callout notes?

DJ 3000: THEY HAVE BEEN FULLY DIGITIZED AND ARE STORED IN A HASHABLE ARRAY FOR INSTANT RETRIEVAL.

CONNOR, THE INTERN: And your tonal settings are good?

DJ 3000: [autotuned] AFF-IRM-A-TIVE.

PRODUCER: All right, then here…we…

Suddenly, DJ 3000’s screen flashes white, then starts to fill with static.

The static slowly starts to resolve itself…

Until a set of human features can be distinguished.

GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: Hey guys.

PRODUCER: Holy cow.  Chris Cornell?  How did this happen?

GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: Well, have you seen that movie “White Noise”?

PRODUCER: No.

CONNOR, THE INTERN: No.

DJ 3000: No.

ELI MANNING: No.

RUSSELL OKUNG: Naw.

CAM NEWTON: No.

RAY LEWIS: I didn’t see nothin’.

MATT McGLOIN: No.

BEANSIE: Eek eek!

MYLES JACK: No.

ELI MANNING: No.

WES WELKER: Banana!

BILL BELICHICK: Grumble grumble your mom I mean no.

BRONCO: No.

RQBOCOP: I am not familiar with that motion picture.

ELI APPLE: No.

AMARI COOPER: [shakes head]

GARY KUBIAK: No.

COOPER MANNING: Yes…[looks at ELI MANNING, who slowly shakes his head]…I mean, no.

MARK DAVIS: No.

JIM TOMSULA: No.

MATT RYAN: I did.

Everyone stares at him.

MATT RYAN: [shrugs]  It was pretty good.

GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: Anyhow, I can use radio devices to talk to people one last time.  And I’m pretty sure you guys know how much I loved music, so I thought this would be an appropriate place to say goodbye.  I was thinking…

— [radio flies open] —

GHOST OF ROGER AILES: Jee no waba mu ba outmian nudcha.

PRODUCER: What the…?  What did he say?

GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: Oh, that’s just Roger’s original tongue.  He wanted to say goodbye too.

GHOST OF ROGER AILES: Chuba meet nu but uba, hehehe.

GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: And that…liberals are…uh, not good.

GHOST OF ROGER AILES: Ulwan beya ta too kah eel huba pa na jokaaaa….. [fading away]

GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: I’m not going to translate that last bit.  It was really racist.

PRODUCER: Where’d he go?

GHOST OF CHRIS CORNELL: Oh, don’t worry about him.  They’re sending him to a place that will remind him of his home planet.  It’s, uh, nice and warm.  Well, not “nice”, so to speak.  But it’s warm.  On that note, let’s get to it!  Today’s topic is THE AFTERLIFE!  Heaven, hell, purgatory, Valhalla, wherever you think people end up when the curtain goes down.  I’ll get us started with a classic from Pink Floyd.  So long, everybody.  It’s been real.

 

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Please Login to comment
84 Comment threads
86 Thread replies
1 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
14 Comment authors
Rikki-Tikki-DeadlylaserguruBrick MeathookGratlifftheeWeeBabySeamus Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
laserguru

Always liked this one.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Gratliff

Surprised this one didn’t get mixed into the Johnny Cash bunch. Gonna be a sad fuck DFO radio.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah, I hope the next DFO radio comes with a fifth of bourbon and the number for the suicide hotline

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That was great.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/grumble grumble

laserguru

Which was, of course, a cover of these guys.

theeWeeBabySeamus

laserguru

See? You can take this a LOT of ways.

Gratliff

Realizing that I’ve gotten away from the initial theme, let’s give it one last good one.

laserguru

Double shot! of sorts.

SonOfSpam

I mean, could you imagine trying to pick up Kate Bush in a bar?
“Hey there…can I buy you a drink?”
(Kate Bush stands up twirls, does strange hand gestures, shrieks, smiles, opens eyes too wide)
“Actually, I gotta go.”

Cuntler

DIO – Hungry for Heaven

I forgot how shitty this song is!!

King Hippo

As always, this reminds me of how hard to find the Ronny James Dio pog was in the 7-11 “metal” collection. And junior high Hippo had a metabolism and drank a lot of goddamned Slurpees.

SonOfSpam

Did you get the ALF pog?

And yeah, fuck my old metabolism where I TRIED to fucking gain weight.

King Hippo

I think so, but will be damned if I can recall what the collection was.

Cuntler

comment image

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Cuntler

Nirvana – Lake of Fire

King Hippo

I’m taking care of my kid who had wisdom teeth removed. Keep waiting for her to narco-nap so I can just listen to all these, drank, and weep for the loss of Mr. Cornell. And all the other losses these songs bring back to mind.

theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

King Hippo

Chan does this ‘un too

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh hell. Never heard that one.
Nice.

King Hippo

oh snap. I can’t thumbs up this enough. Christ, I love this song.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah. Honestly, all things considered, I’m kinda ashamed it took me this long to think of Cobain’s wonderfully dark death songs.

Cuntler

JINX

Gratliff

Nuclear option.

Cuntler

DOUBLE SHOT OF DEPRESSO:

Radiohead – Pyramid Song

Cuntler

Day Dreaming – Radiohead

Cuntler

TRIPLE SHOT

How to Disappear Completely – Radiohead

/kills self

Gratliff

Oh yeah. Grat’s gonna get sad, y’all.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, Imma regret this one.
Doing it anyway.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Might as well go all in I guess.
Have the double shot.

Cuntler

Johnny Cash – The Man Comes Around

Cuntler

DOUBLE SHOT

God’s Gonna Cut You Down – Johnny Cash

(This is my favorite Johnny Cash song, and I have no idea why no MLB closer has adopted this as his warm up song.)

Cuntler

TRIPLE SHOT

Ghost Riders in the Sky

Cuntler

Heaven – Talking Heads

laserguru

Outstanding!

Game Time Decision

Cuntler

The Doors – The End (sorry if already taken)

Cuntler

DOUBLE SHOT

The Doors – Ghost Song

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nice.

Cuntler

Phish – Olivia’s Pool

Gratliff

I groaned audibly when I realized where this was going, but was extremely pleased. I even read Roger’s voice in his native Hutt dialect.

Cuntler

The perfect time for cheeseball ’80s Dead. Saint of Circumstance

SonOfSpam

Good ole depressing weirdo Sufjan

King Hippo

I couldn’t think of the right Sufjan song. Glad someone did.

King Hippo

Though this is otay…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Did someone say Vallhalla???

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes, if you actually listen to the song it’s about the afterlife.
I’m serious, stop giving me that look.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

While we’re on the subject of Valhalla:

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I guess I’ll come back to the prompt and take RTD’s suggestion of songs about Valhalla (even though I don’t like this song):