Through The Eyes of an Irritating Gosling

I have access to a bunch of movie apps and I am amazed at the selection of movies. I’m also amazed how many of them suck ass. I’ll be reviewing them as I see fit. Warning, most of these are going to suck. And you will disagree. And I won’t care.

Title: A Place Beyond the Pines
Starring: Ryan Gosling, cigarettes, a shitty motorcycle and Eva Mendes
Elapsed Time Before Turning it Off: Forty Minutes
You Will Like this Movie If: You like close-ups of Ryan Gosling’s eyes, and motorcycles, and Eva Mendes looking like she’s been riding with Hells Angels for the past decade.

I heard good things about this movie. I must have been hearing them while in the middle of an LSD and mushroom sandwich. This movie sucked balls.

Ryan Gosling is a good-looking dude with blue eyes. I fucking get it. His name is fucking horrible because all I can think about when he’s on the screen is a gosling, and that’s a baby goose. And those things are adorable and fuzzy, just the two attributes I’m not looking for in an actor.

Change your name, asshead. Jesus, look at Vic Tayback. That guy couldn’t act his way out of a phone booth, but he had the right NAME. Do you get it Ryan? Also, fuck your first name too. Ryan. Ryan’s a guy who wears boat shoes and rapes high school girls behind the McDonald’s.

Apparently Ryan’s character is a motorcycle stunt dude who works for a carnival. Over the years he has managed to create a collection of the worst fucking tattoos ever. He actually has a tiny knife tattoo near his eye. And he smokes menthol cigarettes, the long kind, not the regulars. I wanted to shove a pack of Camel filterless down his throat. His motorcycle is also a piece of fucking trash.

As a carny, he rides in that cage of death thing. And I’ll admit, the stunt riders impressed me because how in holy fuck do they do that without barfing and wiping out in a fiery bloodbath? More importantly who in the fucking hell thought that shit up?

Onward.

Ryan sees some chick that he knocked up the previous year when he was in town. So you know she’s in to making good life choices. He meets his son and over night he decides, “I’m going to be a dad.” Yeah, that’s what this kid needs.

So Ryan tries to get in to this kid’s life and he hooks up with this meth head dude who likes to rob banks. He teaches Ryan how to do it. I was hoping to god someone would gutshot him with a Remington pump shotgun, no such luck.

Meanwhile, Eva Mendes has found a nice dude, Coffee. Or Kofe. Or Koffa. Who takes her in and is helping her raise her kid. Ryan shows up with gifts for his kid, gets in an argument with Kofe and hits him in the eye with a fucking pair of pliers.

And I turned it off.

I realize that the whole goal of this movie was to show a character who wanted to redeem himself by taking care of his son. And he’s limited by his flaws and can’t get ahead because all he knows is crime.

Tell that story.

Quit with the multiple close ups and ennui and all that other horseshit.

JUST TELL THE FUCKING STORY.

 

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Moose -The End Is Well NighJerBear50Brick MeathookJerry Was A Shogun Named MarcusThe Maestro Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JerBear50
JerBear50

Both this movie and Drive, same thing. I heard how great they were, really deep and gritty and raw, and they were both fucking terrible. I managed to finish neither of them. Gritty mumblecore can take its friend regular mumblecore and they can both go fuck off far, far away. At least far away from my tv box.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Isn’t this gif I posted below from Drive?

http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/150851/83154877.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

While I didn’t get 40 minutes in I was able to read the entire three sentence HBO description, which pretty damn good for me.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Could he play Dead Goose in the new Top Gun?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Best Band Name Ever:

VIC TAYBACK AND THE VIOLENT PAYBACK

Honorable Mentions:
Mary Tyler Morphine
Rage Against the Coffee Machine
The Hugh Beaumont Experience

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

“Miss False Eyelashes”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We know a couple of things are real…..

Shogun Marcus

Mike Patton did the music. That’s all I got for a redeeming feature.

The Maestro

This was my ex’s favourite movie. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was fucking shitty.

I guess what I’m saying is I should’ve realized the relationship was doomed much sooner than I actually did.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

Was there any Eva Mendes nudity to partially offset the shittiness of this movie?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She has big angry nipples; always a plus in my book (not available on Amazon).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
litre_cola

This is the reason I am a DFOer, that and the clubhouse. I let my wife read this and she said well fuck it we arent watching that now.

Well done sir

litre_cola

Not “let” but she wanted to see this movie Nd thank you very much Fozz, i dont have to see it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

And as always: excellent hate. LOFTY hate.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

PREMIUM hate.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

The only thing I’ve seen him in is Drive, and I had a similar “people are going batshit for this?” experience. It achieves what I thought would be impossible: a boring film with Bryan Cranston, Christina Hendricks, Ron Perlman, and Albert Brooks.

My guess: guys who saw it have a positive association, in spite of the actual quality, because their significant others got so revved up staring into the Soulful Blue Eyes that they actually consented to sex.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

SonOfSpam

Agree on the movie. It was forgettable. I didn’t get a rage-stroke, but that’s probably because I was drinking.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Needed more Adam Sandler

litre_cola

Or Rob Schneider at least.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If they would have let him direct it, it would have been far cheaper to make. Then they could have pocketed the difference from the original budget.

*May not know how Hollywood works, but his movies seem that way.
**May have read this theory before from DFO comments.
***Probably was drinking