Happy 4th of July everybody!

I imagine that around this time most everybody has been properly lubricated and has consumed the proper ingestibles, overindulged on grilled proteins and have applied various intoxicating substances of choice to lighten the mood and to better prepare you for the evening fireworks display.

That’s good!

It is here that I remind everyone to let the professionals handle the fireworks shows. Don’t be a JPP!

As a reminder of the potential dangers of fireworks here is the Consumer Products Safety Commission’s annual Fireworks safety video.

Be forewarned! While it is slightly disturbing it is even more goddamn hilarious to watch.

So I hope everyone’s long weekend has been going well so far.

Did I mention that I had to work on the 3rd?

I did?

Yeah, it was as fucked as I expected.

I did have a fun experience over the weekend that I thought I would share. My youngest granddaughter’s birthday is today! Happy 1st birthday Kiddo! We actually celebrated it on Sunday the 2nd. The party involved a long ass round trip to San Diego and back but it was worth it.

I wanted to give the wee little yowun a nice first birthday present so I decided to purchase this!

This is a Whisper Ride II buggy that she can ride around in. It even has a cup holder that perfectly holds a 12 oz can of beer!

I ordered this from Amazon, like pretty much everything else I order online. When I received it here is what I got.

These are obviously big sellers in the deep South since the “mom” on the box looks like she’s a fucking 12 year old!

Anyway, I hadn’t exactly anticipated that this would require some assembly. In retrospect I should have absolutely expected some assembly.

I have to share a secret here.

I fucking SUCK at putting things together. Whatever I have in culinary talents are completely lost when translating to repairing, fixing or assembling things. I also can’t wrap presents FOR SHIT!

So on Saturday the day before the party I decided to take a look at the contents of the box and try to assemble the car before the birthday party. There were several bags with washers and screws and wheels and gaskets and things and the instructions looked exactly like this!

There are no goddamn words for the instructions. There are just these shit awful photos for the instructions. Look at the lack of quality on that photo! These look like a 14th generation photocopy of instructions. I can’t even tell what the first photo is trying to say! Is that something on the main body of the car? Is it something on one of the wheels? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN?

I was utterly fucking lost and had no goddamn clue where to start.

Then I remembered. Youtube! Holy shit, isn’t there like a video for every-fucking-thing ever on Youtube? To the computer I went. Of course there are videos for the assembly! Fuck yes.

Breathing a sigh of relief I sat down and proceeded to watch this video.

Before watching- you only need to watch the first minute or so to get the gist – I am absolutely astounded that someone hasn’t put a hit out on this fucking woman’s head.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TOY CAR LADY?!?

Do you think that shit is funny? Huh? Do you?

I literally almost melted down in fucking furor over this. Great assembly instructions asshole!

In the end, I completely just gave the fuck up. Fortunately for me, my oldest brother (wrongest right) is pretty skilled with putting things together so I let him handle the details and it only cost me the price of lunch.

I did put on the stickers though so I totally was involved.

The baby loved the hell out of it and the steering wheel lasted about 30 minutes before it came off. I’ll let my daughter fix it.

So I know that our Beerguy Rob likes to include little historical bits about Canada when the day is appropriate and I have to admit I’ve learned a great deal about the history of Canada from these items right before forgetting the facts completely so I figured I would throw out some of my own in the New American Facts style that we’ve recently adopted.

The Bill of Rights was adopted by the Founding Fathers of our country as a general outline in which laws, governance and responsibilities will be adopted to our recently born country. The founding fathers were also known as “Framers” due to their uncanny ability to create intricate, detailed picture frames with their own original artwork.

Here’s a Ben Franklin original frame.

The reason we needed to establish new laws was the country only recently became an independent nation after long being governed by the Norwegians. Norway wasn’t really interested in keeping our country since building fjords in the Mojave Desert proved problematic.

After paying off the Norwegians with a lifetime supply of Little Debbie snack cakes

and promising to never launch nuclear weapons at them we thought we had achieved our freedom. It was only after a few extra days of deliberating with Norway when they also insisted on the entire musical catalog of Jim Hendrix CDs as well, that we finally became a true and free country. They drove a hard bargain. I’m pretty sure they caved when we threatened to bring in the California surf punks and Eskimos for support.

The Eskimos threatened using walruses.

Sports!

I hope you like baseball because there is a fucking shit load of it on today.

Schedule.

Now let’s get in there and started celebrating properly!

Let’s do this motherfucker!

*fun fact about the band “X”. They’ve been together for 40 years and have maintained the original line-up the entire time! Massive respect for their work with the early LA punk rockabilly movement.

Somebody noticed.

PEACE!