Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 94)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

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The scene: The Secret Base on the Island of Doktor Zymm! Specifically the cafeteria, where Ballsofsteelandfury, Marc Trestmans Windowless Van, Moosemas Gorilla, BFC and Jerry have retreated to eat and drink after Doktor Zymm made anatomical references to Mr. Fantastic’s…

Ballsofsteelandfury: Sausage?

BFC takes a sausage from the plate with a nod.

BFC: Thanks! Don’t mind if I do. I’ve got to say, you guys have a really nice place here. It’s not often you come across a secret base with amenities like this.

Jerry (rubbing his jaw): No kidding! Remember that one near…

BFC: Singapore! Just the one I was thinking of.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa, like, you guys really get around, man!

Jerry: Well, we…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: I mean, like, I went into the past, man.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: And then, like, we went to Mexico to fight, like, vampires and evil clowns from another universe, man! But I’ve never been to Singapore.

Ballsofsteelandfury: And of course Covalent Blonde and Horatio went to the moon…

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Ballsofsteelandfury: Right, I know, you went to the moon, too.

Jerry: Hey, is Covalent Blonde the one that kicked me?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Yeah, man. Like, don’t call her ‘chick,’ man. Or, like, ‘doll’ or ‘toots’ or ‘Winifred.’

Jerry: I’ll try to remember that.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Just be glad she didn’t kick you in the…

BFC: Nuts?

Ballsofsteelandfury grabs a handful of cashews from the bowl BFC is holding up.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Thanks! Anyway, how did you guys get here?

BFC: Eh, you know how it is when you accidentally grab a ride on a drug plane and it gets shot down by the DEA over the Pacific.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Totally, man!

Jerry: And then we caught a ride to your island with a really cool shark.

BFC: Who is evidently a stoner.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, that’s my shark, man! I better, like, go feed him, man.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van grabs a whole roasted turkey off of the table and exits the cafeteria.

BFC: Is it me, or is that guy a bit of a…

Jerry: Ding Dong?

BFC (taking a Ding Dong from Jerry): Awesome! I haven’t had one of these in forever!

Ballsofsteelandfury: Marc’s great. Just don’t leave anything you don’t want turned into a bong lying around.

Moosemas Gorilla (nodding): Ook.

Cut to: The laboratory with the Dimensional Energy Retrieval Portal (the D.E.R.P.). Covalent Blonde is there, as is Doktor Zymm herself, holding the Neural Impulse Projection System (the N.I.P.S.), which is a fancy helmet gadget with wires and lights and stuff.

Look, I could explain it all, but it’s pretty technical.

Covalent Blonde (looking at the D.E.R.P. Controls): OK, so…what am I supposed to do again?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, I need you to program ze coordinates of ze computer chips I have implanted in Fozz und Horatio into ze D.E.R.P., und zen I vill use ze N.I.P.S. to contact zem. Zen you vill have to input ze coordinates und open ze portal for zem to enter.

Covalent Blonde: Uh-huh. So, you want me to do all the programming while you basically make a phone call. Does that really sound right to you?

Doktor Zymm frowns, then hands the helmet to Covalent Blonde and takes her place at the D.E.R.P. Controls.

Doktor Zymm: Ja, you are right. You call ze boys, und I vill do ze zciencey ztuff.

Cut to: The planet Ksskyrr. Per the Encyclopedia Planetica, it is “a warm planet of orange beaches and warm, salty seas, inhabited by a race of crabmen.” Those crabmen are currently fighting with the seemingly perpetually angry purple Fozz, while Dionysus, Horatio Cornblower and Man in Plaid #2’s head look over a map in the God Rod.

Dionysus: Hmm. Well, I definitely took a wrong turn back there at that red star.

Horatio Cornblower: Umm…do you think you should maybe give Fozz a hand?

Dionysus: No. Why?

Horatio Cornblower: Well, you are a god…

Dionysus: Yes. Of tits and wine. And those crabmen don’t seem to have any wine, and they certainly don’t have tits.

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: Perhaps we should go back to that gas giant and ask directions…

Suddenly a voice from the ether echoes over the scene.

Covalent Blonde’s Voice: …ing thing even on?

Horatio Cornblower: Hey, that sounds like CB…

Covalent Blonde’s Voice: Horatio? I can hear you…barely… Look, we’re gonna open a portal, and we need you guys to go through it so we can bring you back… Damn it, this thing is getting hot, Zymm!

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: Doktor Zymm must have found a way to open a dimensional portal to bring us back home. I knew she would find a way.

Horatio Cornblower: Well, we’re not there yet. HEY, CB! GET THAT THING OPEN SO WE CAN GET OUT OF…

Covalent Blonde’s Voice: …ing thing just sparked, Zymm! And why do I smell smoke?

A large shimmering portal opens up near the DFOers.

Horatio Cornblower: There it is! Let’s get going, guys!

Dionysus fires up the God Rod and burns rubber, spraying orange sand as he speeds into the portal.

Covalent Blonde’s Voice: …uck! Watch where you’re driving that thing! Hey, where’s Fozz…dammit…

Covalent Blonde’s arm emerges from the portal, holding out a box of Diggler’s Donuts. She shakes the box to get his attention.

Covalent Blonde’s Voice: Fozz! Hey! Over here…c’mon, come get the donuts…

Fozz looks up from beating crabman ass and sees the box of donuts. He casually tosses the crabman that he was using as a club off into the distance and rushes toward the portal.

Fozz: Fozz want double-dipped!!!

Covalent Blonde pulls the box through the portal and Fozz follows it, disappearing from sight.

Covalent Blonde’s Voice: OK, Zymm, everyone’s here! You can shut this thing…whaddaya mean it’s stuck? Oh, for…

Two of the crabmen walk over to the still-active portal. Tentatively, one of them reaches a pincer through.

Covalent Blonde’s Voice: Ow! What the hell? Who pinched me…

There’s a smacking sound and the crabman pulls his pincer back through the portal quickly.

Crabman #1: Srk mt ktva? [My liege, are you all right?]

Crabman King: Jk zzt vu… [I think so, but…]

Covalent Blonde half-emerges from the portal, looking angry.

Covalent Blonde: Oh, you think that was funny? I’m gonna crack your damn shell, you…

A large purple arm covered in powdered sugar pulls Covalent Blonde back through the portal.

Crabman King: Ktk? Vul ak brk! [Did you see her? She was beautiful!]

Crabman #1: Yr vk… [Oh, crap…]

Crabman King: Aak ktkt vu nff! [Gather the troops! We’re going through that…glowing hole thingy!]

Crabman #1: Vkt na kvl? Vu tk vem. [Seriously? C’mon…she totes cray, bro.]

Crabman King: Vk kl tktk! Qff brk ngt! [You’re talking about the love of my life! Now get the men together and let’s go!]

Crabman #1: Vu gbt… [Here we go again…]

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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Senor Weaselo
Member

Nobody’s posted this yet?

Horatio Cornblower
Member

“Yes. Of tits and wine. And those crabmen don’t seem to have any wine, and they certainly don’t have tits.”

I have to admit, he’s got me there.

NATO Pats Fan
Member
NATO Pats Fan

Hey, when you guys were visiting the moon, did you find Zoltan? Dude still owes me money.

The Maestro
Member

Just like the old adage says: doesn’t matter if they’re crabmen, or just men with crabs — they’re equally difficult to get rid of once you let them into your life.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

“story of my life”
– Covalent Blonde

Senor Weaselo
Member

Well Balls, it was nice knowing you.

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