Just This Once, I’m Throwing it Downfield.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Is that Tyreek Hill? Why aren’t the Patriots covering him? Is this some kind of a trick? He’s awfully far away.  But you know what? Just this once, I’m throwing it downfield.

Yeah, I see Chris Conley open on the flank.  It’s tempting.  Very tempting.  But not this time.  The fans have seen that play enough times already.  And Kelce seems to have settled down into a soft spot in the zone down the middle.  Perhaps, I…wait, NO!  And there goes Kareem Hunt leaking out of the backfield.  That’s an easy five yard gain, guaranteed.  RRRRGGGGHHHH OH GOD I WANT TO CHECK IT DOWN TO HIM SO BAD!

[takes deep breath]

But no.  Gotta resist those urges.  This is professional football.  Wins aren’t just going to fall into your lap when you play it safe.  Well, sure, I mean a few might, when your defense carries you and the oafs you’re playing against make tragi-comically inept mistakes in critical situations.  And you can certainly not lose games by playing it safe.  Trust me – I’ve been doing it my whole career.  But against competent teams like the Patriots?  You gotta roll the dice.  Or as my great-great-grandfather called them, the devil’s testicles.  Not sure why he called them that.

Okay, I’m throwing it. Hmm.  Not bad!  Hey, look, one of my…wait, what are those guys called…[searches memory for a glossary of NFL terms]…oh, right…”wide receivers” caught it.  And he’s sauntering in for the touchdown.  Neat!  Seems like a much more efficient way to score than just inching up the field four yards at a time.  Have to check with Coach Reid and see if we’ve got more of these so-called “go routes” in the playbook.

[thinks things over, frowns]

You know what?  I’m not sure how comfortable I am with this.  This is Alex Smith we’re talking about here.  We’re talking 216 lbs. of applesauce and properly administered dental floss.  I can’t imagine all this excitement is going to be good for me.  I’m gonna have to do something to settle my nerves back into their normal state. You see that Raiders fan in a wheelchair sitting in the handicapped section?  I’m gonna hit him with a Sexy Alexi not-so-much-zip-on-it-but-perfectly-placed lob right in his lap so he’ll have a nice souvenir to bring home.  And then give him a push when he needs a hand rolling up the ramp.  Ah, just thinking about it makes me feel better.

Still, though, that throw.  Wow.  That was kind of fun.  Maybe I’m going to have to try that again someday.

 

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.

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Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

The original Sex Cannon piece was the first thing I ever read on the old site. Well done!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola
Member

Can we just call him Sex Dribbler as opposed to my personal deity Sex Cannon?

King Hippo
Member

Fudge yeah, Alex!!

trackback
Member

[…] action this weekend. Some results were expected (Browns lost), some were surprises (Alex Smith airing it out), and some were shocking but not at all surprising (Bears unable to convert from 1st and Goal to […]

yeah right
Member

Applesauce and dental floss is a pretty solid fantasy football name.

Don T
Member

The “properly administered” was what got me. Man, Alex Smith would be a micromanager’s dream underling.

Doktor Zymm
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It’s an exciting year for guys with tiny hands!

SonOfSpam
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SonOfSpam
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“Not bad for a pussy. But keep going, and maybe someday your balls will be this big too.”

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

A pussy? Cutler’s in Miami now, dude.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Maybe Alex will start wearing Cure makeup like his buddy Derek?

You’re right. Small steps…

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Don T
Member

At the rate Carr”s playing, he can say those are Clockwork Orange fake ‘lashes.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Would this be considered coming full circle?

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Only if there is a cookie.

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