2017 Quotables – Week 2 (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

First, your Power Rankings Update:

Last week (Week 2):
Top 5: PIT, GB, KC, NE, ATL
Bottom 5: IND, SF, CLE, CHI, BUF

This week (Week 3):
Top 5: PIT, KC, NE, ATL, OAK
Bottom 5: IND, SF, CLE, CHI, CIN

Why the 2-0 Broncos are still on the outside, while N*’s victory over a consistently-underwhelming Saints team makes for the most elite 1-1 record in NFL history, is a further testament to how unsophisticated sports media remains. I mean, Green Bay lost to Denver but beat a top-10 Seahawks team, rather than <insert any non-Falcons team from AFC/NFC South> so, if you’re going to let a 1-1 team in the top 5, I’d argue for the Packers. It is nice to see the Bengals getting recognized for being so bad that they popped the 2017 NFL Coach Firings cherry in only Week 2 though.

As a side note, I’m behind schedule on this but understand Quotables loaded kinda slowly last week (which, I’d guess, will also be the case this week) so we’ll start speeding it up next time by hosting the gifs on our server which, according to DTZM, is supposed to remedy this. But that’s for next time anyways so, with that said, I present your slow-loading Week 2 Quotables candidates.


Miami Dolphins quarterback Jay Cutler attempts a pass against the San Diego Chargers.

Atlanta Falcons running back Devonta Freeman celebrates at touchdown against the Green Bay Packers.

The Buffalo Bills attempt a game-winning pass in the closing seconds of a game against the Carolina Panthers.

Quad-screen broadcasting of Bengals fans at a Cincinnati home game against the the Houston Texans.

New England P*triots quarterback Tom Brady reacts to a dropped reception by tight end Rob Gronkowski.

Oakland Raiders running back Marshawn Lynch has fun in a week 2 game against the New York Jets.

Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz is pressured by the Kansas City Chiefs.

Jump Spike: Your 2017 Cleveland Browns
blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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UnsurprisedblaxabbathballsofsteelandfuryRedshirtLemonJello Recent comment authors
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Redshirt

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“That’s it. I’m giving Belichick Gronk’s mom’s phone number.”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’m sure he already has it.

Horatio Cornblower

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The last thing that dropped harder than that in Buffalo was Jim Kelly’s jaw.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Hoh Li Schitt.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I had to make these already.

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LemonJello
LemonJello

I am ridonkulusly happy about this.

Artist’s rendering:
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Redshirt

Nice. Too bad there was only four blocks. If NFLN chose the Brady Bunch Nonuple Box, you could’ve completed the complete picture:

1. Shock
2. Disbelief
3. Delusional
4. Depression
5. Tipsy
6. Drunk
7. Rage
8. Nauseous
9. Acceptance

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Fucking Cracker

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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Here’s the story, of a man who was shady,
Who bought a shitty team on his own,
Working to bring fans and joy all together,
Yet the sadness exponentially has grown.

Game Time Decision
Game Time Decision

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Ok, who else thought it was just lines over the image and needed to do a double take to see that it was 4 images?
Oh, just me then
Ok, carry on

Game Time Decision
Game Time Decision

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you catch every STI known to man, but you can’t catch a football
-Tom Brady

SonOfSpam

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That’s pretty bold…last time #24 shot through a white rim, Kobe got brought up on charges.

ballsofsteelandfury

Jesus, that’s stupendous. Of course it was you.

nomonkeyfun

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A true Bills fan would have been ecstatic with that catch. The game would have gone into overtime, allowing for more drinking time.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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AND LO, I SAY UNTO THEE THE CURSE OF YATIL GREEN SHALL NOT BE LIFTED

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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“Pussies.”

–Doug Flutie

nomonkeyfun

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You had to figure one of those people would make that shot.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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“Guess it’s time to injure his groin with my mind.”

–TB12 and/or Gisele

nomonkeyfun

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It’s the skyline chili target-cam.

LemonJello
LemonJello

It’s PEOPLE! SKYLINE CHILI IS PEOPLE!
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Tony Sparano’s Football: ….. [cums]

SonOfSpam

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Donald Trump (looking at phone): “Hey, look at this Lynch dance!”
Jeff Sessions (staring at legal pad): “Yeah, they always do til they run outta air.”

King Hippo

We could just re-name this “Son of Spam weekly funtime variety hour”

SonOfSpam

No, that’s a copyright issue. Let’s just say Fox News ordered 13 episodes, and boy are they gonna be surprised.

nomonkeyfun

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“Time to set up another one on charges.”

-Belichick

King Hippo

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At least somebody in Shitty Clipper Land remembered to bring their laser pointer….

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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Just out of reach, like all good things for those from Buffalo.

LemonJello
LemonJello

+1 smashed tailgating table

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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I want to fly at an eagle
To his knee
Fly at an eagle
Let my momentum carry me

LemonJello
LemonJello

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LemonJello
LemonJello

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Interior, home office, night
“He’s just a big kid out there, playing football and having fun.”
PK closes out an old Word document titled “My Precious” *sighs* zips up, starts typing
“What a disrespectful display! Just play the game the right way.”
-fin-

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“OK, who said the endzone is lava?”

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

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“It’s a special spike, they only do it when down 14!”
“I better get used to it then.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Never change, Buffalo, you’re the Bills-iest.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“NAWT FAIR! GRAWNK WAS CLEARLY INTERFEHAHED WITH! THE LEAGUE IS AGAINST US! FACK RAWGAH IN HIS EARHOLE!”

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

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“Flutie going deep for Moulds…and he drops it!”
“Geez, Jim it’s like you’re stuck in 1999!”
“I’ve been dead internally since then, Mark.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Cris Collinsworth: “Devonta Freeman played basketball in college.”
Al Michaels: “I’m not sure that’s correct, Cris.”
Cris Collinsworth: “JUST LET ME HAVE THIS YOU SONUVABITCH!”
Al Michaels: *Drinks*

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

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If you grab his genuflectin’ hand he loses his powers.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Roger Goodell fines James Harrison $75,000 for this hit on Carson Wentz.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

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If you’re happy Marvin Lewis is your coach, clap your hands!

Brocky

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Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

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Get your shit together or I’ll avoid you like my bastard kid!

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Coach: “Who was that to?”
Catler: “DOOOOONNNNNNN’TTTTTTT CCCAAAAAArrrrreee” /sprays midfield

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

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The Alt-right thinks this is the Black Hole on two counts.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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The four stages of Bungles Fandom (clockwise from top left): Apathy, Confusion, Regret, Disgust

Brocky

The four stages of Redshirt (clockwise from top left): Apathy, Confusion, Regret, Disgust

FTFY

LemonJello
LemonJello

I like it!

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

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I was aiming for the cheerleader who gave her kid the RRM vaccine.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

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About time, an instance of a black guy shooting at a white guy that even the NRA is cool with.

Brocky

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The lineman puts his arms down before the ball is fully through his improvised hoop.

You would think by now Atlanta would have learned to not celebrate too early