Fantasy Gods, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me? Week 3 2017

As many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on God, and I’m posting every Tuesday how the big man upstairs did me wrong, this will feature as little embellishment as possible.

 

The Scene: Heaven

This is totally what Heaven looks like. Shut up I’m hungry.

 

 

God stares at his newspaper. He is at first, visibly distraught, then he quickly grows angery. He rends the paper, the pieces slowly falling through the air like an over done John Woo effect. His disturbed state affects the Earth’s weather patterns, as Hurricanes continue to ravage Florida (Seriously, FUCK Florida) and an earthquake strikes Mexico. The calamities prompt Jesus to rush to his father’s side.

 

Jesus: “Father, I have come. Please tell me what has troubled you so!”

 

God: “Every time, every ME damned time, its so frustrating, I open the paper, and the same shitty stuff keeps happening!”

 

Jesus: “Father, I know the orange menace troubles you so, but we will persevere. There is no reason to punish the rest of the Earth”

 

God: “The orange menace? Don’t worry, that idiot did so much coke his ticker is gonna burst before long. No I’m complaining about that bitch Lucy. Always moving the football!”

 

Jesus: “…………there’s an nfl player named lucy?”

 

God: “No, that bitch from the Sunday comics, always moving the football before Charlie Brown can kick it!”

 

Jesus (flatly): “You’re mad about the peanuts running gag of Lucy moving the football so Charlie misses it?”

 

God: “Yes that bitch!”

 

Jesus: “This makes no sense! You can’t be this mad at a cartoon! Especially not one that ended years ago!”

 

God: “I don’t care, I shall smite Lucy’s creator, causing poor Charlie so much sadness!”

 

Jesus: “Charles M. Schulz? The creator actually died the day before the final comic ran. Actually quite fitting in a sort of sad way. I guess you’ll just have to find someone else to torment.”

 

God’s face lights up

He played Jesus once, so this probably isn’t that far off

 

Jesus: “No! Wait! I didn’t mean for you to..”

 

God: “Get me Brocky’s fantasy sheet! Let’s see here, playing against the Bears defense eh? Well, lets see about that, one blocked field goal touch down coming up!”

 

God snaps his fingers, the Bears block a steelers field goal on sunday, Marcus Cooper picks it up and runs towards the endzone

 

Jesus: “Don’t know why I’m saying this, but Brocky is actually starting the bears defense, not against it.”

 

God: “Oop, better fix that!”

 

 

 

God snaps his fingers again, Marcus cooper inexplicably slows down before the goal line, gets the ball knocked out of his hand, forcing it out of the endzone.

 

Jesus: “Oh, wait I was wrong, he’s starting the raven’s defense. Wait, why am I helping you?”

 

God snaps his fingers again, Blake Bortles plays lights out in London, Jaguars score 44 points.

 

God: “And on top of that, only one catch for Jason witten on monday!”

 

God snaps his fingers a final time, and true to his will, Jason witten only has the one catch Monday night. Fortunately for Brocky, God apparently forgot he was starting Larry Fitzgerald as well, and Brocky eked out a narrow victory by 2 points. Brocky moves to 2-1

 

God: “Curse you hindsight! You will pay for this Brocky! You will be PUNISHED!”

Brocky
Brocky
Congratulations, you've wondered to the profile the being commonly known as Brocky, step 2 is washing it off. Brocky is a castaway from the old site, and took part in the great migration of 2015. His tastes can vary from the cynical to the bizarre, and a weird affinity for the band Nightwish. Brocky is a die hard Chicago fan, and can be found hanging his hat in Indiana, his windbreaker in ohio, and once lost a shoe somewhere in northeast michigan (Don't worry lefty, you and your brother WILL be reunited) anything else? feel free to ask... also, if you're wondering about the pic, its a hyena carrying a the head of a lion. King of the Ocean my Ass!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

“Fine, we’ll let Brocky enjoy a fantasy win and a Bears win to fuck up his column and the Bears’ draft position. Win-win!”

SonOfSpam
Member

I tried losing this week; I started Marmalard over Charmslinger. But the KHunt came through for me again. KHunt just won’t let me lose!

nomonkeyfun
Member

“KHunt is always the answer. I love KHunt!!! Hey why are you all snickering?”

-Rodgers

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Once you go KHunt….

Meh, never mind.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

You’re in first place.

Stop bitching already.

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