As many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on God, and I’m posting every Tuesday how the big man upstairs did me wrong, this will feature as little embellishment as possible.
The Scene: Heaven
This is totally what Heaven looks like. Shut up I’m hungry.
God stares at his newspaper. He is at first, visibly distraught, then he quickly grows angery. He rends the paper, the pieces slowly falling through the air like an over done John Woo effect. His disturbed state affects the Earth’s weather patterns, as Hurricanes continue to ravage Florida (Seriously, FUCK Florida) and an earthquake strikes Mexico. The calamities prompt Jesus to rush to his father’s side.
Jesus: “Father, I have come. Please tell me what has troubled you so!”
God: “Every time, every ME damned time, its so frustrating, I open the paper, and the same shitty stuff keeps happening!”
Jesus: “Father, I know the orange menace troubles you so, but we will persevere. There is no reason to punish the rest of the Earth”
God: “The orange menace? Don’t worry, that idiot did so much coke his ticker is gonna burst before long. No I’m complaining about that bitch Lucy. Always moving the football!”
Jesus: “…………there’s an nfl player named lucy?”
God: “No, that bitch from the Sunday comics, always moving the football before Charlie Brown can kick it!”
Jesus (flatly): “You’re mad about the peanuts running gag of Lucy moving the football so Charlie misses it?”
God: “Yes that bitch!”
Jesus: “This makes no sense! You can’t be this mad at a cartoon! Especially not one that ended years ago!”
God: “I don’t care, I shall smite Lucy’s creator, causing poor Charlie so much sadness!”
Jesus: “Charles M. Schulz? The creator actually died the day before the final comic ran. Actually quite fitting in a sort of sad way. I guess you’ll just have to find someone else to torment.”
God’s face lights up
He played Jesus once, so this probably isn’t that far off
Jesus: “No! Wait! I didn’t mean for you to..”
God: “Get me Brocky’s fantasy sheet! Let’s see here, playing against the Bears defense eh? Well, lets see about that, one blocked field goal touch down coming up!”
God snaps his fingers, the Bears block a steelers field goal on sunday, Marcus Cooper picks it up and runs towards the endzone
Jesus: “Don’t know why I’m saying this, but Brocky is actually starting the bears defense, not against it.”
God: “Oop, better fix that!”
God snaps his fingers again, Marcus cooper inexplicably slows down before the goal line, gets the ball knocked out of his hand, forcing it out of the endzone.
Jesus: “Oh, wait I was wrong, he’s starting the raven’s defense. Wait, why am I helping you?”
God snaps his fingers again, Blake Bortles plays lights out in London, Jaguars score 44 points.
God: “And on top of that, only one catch for Jason witten on monday!”
God snaps his fingers a final time, and true to his will, Jason witten only has the one catch Monday night. Fortunately for Brocky, God apparently forgot he was starting Larry Fitzgerald as well, and Brocky eked out a narrow victory by 2 points. Brocky moves to 2-1
God: “Curse you hindsight! You will pay for this Brocky! You will be PUNISHED!”