As many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on God, and I’m posting every Tuesday how the big man upstairs did me wrong, this will feature as little embellishment as possible.
The scene: heaven
This is totally what Heaven looks like.
God: “I’m done messing around, I’ve been far too lenient. There is a goal that needs to be meet, a destiny that needs to be fulfilled, an injustice that needs to be corrected. Time to pull out the figurative big guns.”
God snaps his fingers, a drumroll plays from seemingly everywhere
God: “Wild Card Bitches! YEEEEEHAAAAAAAW! I win again! 18 games in a row!”
“Dagnabbit!” says Mark Twain, the old atheist had a yellow skip, but of course, God had the unbeatable wild draw 4, He throws his remaining card away in disgust. Their playing mates are similarity upset.
“This is bullshit!” shouts George Carlin, storming off.
Tom Petty just sits there in dumbfounded silence. So far eternal salvation had been underwhelming to say the least.
God: “Me-damn that is satisfying! And I’m still not done!”
God Snaps his fingers, poor Brocky’s fantasy lineup pops into existence.
God: “Let’s see here, going against Aaron Rodgers eh? Four touchdowns!”
God Snaps his fingers, the bears get massacred on Thursday night. Whatever momentum the bears had from beating Pittsburgh seemingly disappears in a matter of hours. In addition to the 4 tds, Rodgers doesn’t throw an interception for the first time this year.
God: “Oh, lets not forget Mr. First round pick Julio Jones!”
Snap! Julio is out with a hip injury!
God: “Let’s see, still not enough? eh, lets have the Seattle D get not 1, but 2 defensive scores. There, and for added effect, lets make this score, extra SPECIAL!”
(I am not making this up, this actually fucking happened.)
God: “There, once the early season beginners luck wears off, the peaks and valleys that induce ulcers have begun. Brocky falls to 2 and 2. And you know what?I’m feeling extra spiteful today, lets fuck with his other league too!”
(Yes, this ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENED)
God: “Oh, but no one ever said I’m without my sense of humor. Have him win his DFO league, the one he puts the least effort into, let the other DFO’ers bemoan over his supposedly unwarranted lament. HAHAHAHAHA!”
Watching this all with pained eyes is Jesus. He wants to talk about Earth’s continued suffering, but his father’s obsession with Brocky is apparently affecting the world as we know it. He strolls off, something had to be done.