INT. PITTSBURGH STEELERS PRACTICE FACILITY – DAY
COACH TOMLIN: Come on in, son.
ANTONIO BROWN: Hey, coach.
COACH TOMLIN: So I’m sure you know why you’re here.
ANTONIO BROWN: Of course.
COACH TOMLIN: I understand you’ve apologized to Ben and to Coach Haley.
ANTONIO BROWN: Yeah, we squashed it. [gets up to leave] All good?
COACH TOMLIN: [taken aback] Well, no. You…
ANTONIO BROWN: I GET SHIT ALL WEEK FROM THE MEDIA AND NOW I GOTTA PUT UP WITH SHIT FROM YOU TOO? [kicks over trash can]
COACH TOMLIN: See, Antonio, this is what I’m talking about. Your temper tantrums are getting out of control, it’s causing a disruption to team chemistry…
— [cut to] —
INT. CAROLINA PANTHERS PRACTICE FACILITY – DAY
COACH RIVERA: …and at this point an apology is irrelevant. Everyone is already well-aware of the incident, and have made whatever judgments they are going to make.
CAM NEWTON: Yeah, well, I’m not going to be the media’s little monkey and dance for them whenever they want. They’re not gonna stop me from being me.
COACH RIVERA: And that’s your prerogative, Cam. But “being yourself” doesn’t mean you can’t grow as a person. To be frank, this isn’t the first kind of incident that has made people question your maturity…
— [cut to] —
INT. NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS PRACTICE FACILITY – DAY
COACH MCADOO: …and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for people to expect more out of a player who has been in the league for as many years as you’ve been. I don’t understand why you can’t just pick up Anakin and Qui-Gon and all the other figurines and set them up again later.
ELI MANNING: But they’re part of the battle for Corsucant! They can’t just abandon their posts!
COACH MCADOO: [rolls eyes] Eli, refusing to throw the ball to Odell because he put Jango Fett and Count Dooku in a sixty-nine position is not the behavior of a big boy quarterback in the NFL. Now I don’t want to have to call Olivia over this, but…
— [cut to] —
INT. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS PRACTICE FACILITY – DAY
COACH KOETTER: [slightly muffled]…you can’t just go trusting everyone who reaches out to you. Not all of these guys have your best interests at heart.
DOUG MARTIN: But they said it would make me grow taller!
COACH KOETTER: Now Doug, I know you’re tired of your nickname, but we can’t have you getting suspended again.
DOUG MARTIN: Tom Brady uses it and he never tested positive!
COACH KOETTER: That may be, but you should understand that the NFL has a different set of rules for Tom Brady.
DOUG MARTIN: [opens mouth to protest]
COACH KOETTER: Now I know it’s not fair, but that’s just the way it is. Being an adult isn’t always about being treated fairly – sometimes it’s about understanding that there are things in the world that aren’t fair.
DOUG MARTIN: [under his breath] …wish I was Tom Brady…
COACH KOETTER: [losing his temper] WELL WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T, DOUG? WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T?
COACH KOETTER: [calms down, smooths out hazmat suit] Listen, Doug. You’ve been a great player for us, and we don’t want that to change. We just feel…
— [cut to] —
COACH RIVERA: …like you could use some additional coaching…
— [cut to] —
COACH MCADOO: …on how to behave a bit more like…
— [cut to quad box] —
ALL COACHES: [in unison]…a mature adult. There’s a facility in Texas we’re sending you to…
ALL PLAYERS: [in unison] Aw, come on, that place is for rookies!
ALL COACHES: Sorry…
COACH TOMLIN: …Antonio…
COACH RIVERA: …Cam…
COACH MCADOO: …Eli…
COACH KOETTER: …Doug…
ALL COACHES: …but we’ve already paid your tuition. You’ll be spending a semester at the…
COACH RIVERA: …Dak…
COACH TOMLIN: …Prescott…
COACH MCADOO: …School…
ALL COACHES: …of Maturity.
— [to be continued] —
I know I’m a little late and have not yet read the comments but this is amazing.
Just got in charge of a massive project at new job. Gonna fuck that shit up proper. I mean, in a good way.
I think it’s bullshit that everyone got their fucking panties in a wad about what Cam said. Jesus christ our soceity is nothing but politiclaly correct fuckwads bitching. Jesus god, let it go.
They should all be in the kitchen, barefoot, pregnant, and a bottle of bourbon strapped to their backs. And kneepads.
If he’d apologized after the press conference, it probably would have died right there, much like a pair of young men in a parking lot near an Atlanta nightclub did one chilly winter night.
NOt getting your drift.
Also, OBJ would TOTALLY put Dooku and Jango in a 69 position.
Doug Martin should be a bit shorter. (Is that an RTD original? Because I’m really enjoying Muscle Hamster character)
I think so – unless it’s subconscious. I don’t remember him showing up on KSK.
Eli has irritated a lot of folks in New York with his constant requests for directions to “Diagon Alley” so he can buy supplies for the upcoming semester.