I am NOT Amused

Here’s a great way to spend a weekend: sit through five lacrosse games and wonder why your team went 4-1 and wasn’t in the championship game. Console your son, and then go to an amusement park when it’s hot as fucking shit. Also, your bad knee collapses like wet tissue paper and you limp around goddamn Hershey Park. (It bills itself as “The Sweetest Place on Earth”, I never knew shit tasted sweet.)

For the record, I think all amusement parks are bullshit, but sitting on numerous benches, holding purses, cheap shit plush “prizes,” and hats (my son bought a forty fucking dollar baseball hat, I have disowned him, I don’t care if he’s only 12) gave me an opportunity to make a few observations.

Here’s the shocker: there are way too many obese people in our society. There were roving packs of ham beasts shuffling along, sweating like Nixon and emitting a stench that combined sour milk and old sweat. Lovely. Do you know fucking fat America is? So goddamn fat that there are signs on the rides at Hershey Park that explain to these lard asses – or maybe land masses? – that they might not be able to fit on the ride.

There were many Pennsylvania natives at the park that I am convinced this state needs to be completely carpet bombed so we can begin again. Inbreeding, poor life choices, meth, and many wrong turns on the evolution highway have created a tribe of dimwitted fucks who wear clothes, hairstyles, and piercings that can only be explained as crimes against humanity.

One example, a youngish trailer park troll was wearing jeans, heavy boots, and a black t-shirt with the Confederate flag on it. Under the flag was the word “redneck”. I hope you die in a fucking coal mine fire, you ignorant cockroach.

Now let’s talk tattoos. I have one, and I love them. However, I saw more bad tattoos than I have in my entire life. I didn’t get close enough to check the spelling, but god in heaven; does anyone need a dream catcher tattoo?  I saw plenty of blurry works of ink, which may appear crystal clear when viewed through the eyes of the drug addled members of the Rickets Brigade. I hope to never find out.

I’m a big believer in capitalism, and I understand needing to make a buck, but getting keestered for low quality eats and drinks is infuriating. And no, I don’t want to buy a plastic piece of shit “mug” that lets me refill for 99 cents. Fuck you and your fake ass bargains, you deserve to have your assholes infested by poisonous salamanders.

Finally, the rides. Forty minutes of waiting for 30 seconds of nausea and disorientation. I can chug a fifth of Old Crow and roll down a hill if I want the same results. In fact, I have done this and it can be exhilarating if you like puke streaming from your nostrils.

You know what?

I’ll take that over an amusement park any day.

On A Lighter Note
(Each post will end with an event that made me happy.)

At the same park I saw a bunch of teenagers of varying skin colors walking, laughing, and wearing radiant smiles of happiness. Not one of them gave a good goddamn about the color of their friends’ skin.

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packman_jonMoose -The End Is Well NighUnsurprisedRikki-Tikki-DeadlyJustStopDude Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fozz, that was god damned beautiful.

My most enjoyable amusement park; a regular park and several of us were on LSD. The ride was $4.00 and whatever the large Lime-aide from the DQ across the street cost.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I had three fucking morons in front of my apartment door, asking to get let in after I got home from work.

Apparently some fucking video game is bringing people to my place.

What the fuck is this shit and who do I fucking sue?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Just charge them admission. $1 to come in. I bet they’d actually pay it.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Fuck that.

$10, minimum.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m 100% serious.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
packman_jon

I have an idea and it involves PornHub

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That’s good hate.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

I don’t care what anyone says, I will go to Six Flags Great Adventure on a whim to hit the 5 or so roller coasters and get a gauge on the members of impending apocalypse and be completely satisfied. Throw in a churro and a hoagie from the nearby WaWa and I’m damn near the singularity.

Senor Weaselo

I went once on a physics trip. It rained. Everything was closed. At one point the bumper cars (which was the one thing or so we DID get to go on) were closed. We “collaborated” with other groups out of necessity.

Gratliff

The last time I went (2001?), the park emptied out when a tropical storm was starting, and it didn’t last as long as they thought it would. We were sprinting between rides trying to get as many in as we could before the crowds came back. It was pretty awesome.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

On a story note:

I tagged along on a well-to-do family friend’s trip to Universal when I was 14. My friend and I went with the family on a SUPER exclusive backstage tour of rides and the park. Basically they put us on every ride without a wait. I was in heaven. But it really spoiled me. We spent all day as VIP members of an amusement park. How are you supposed to go back the next day, as planned, and walk amongst the proletariat? Lucky for my friend and his couple cousins, I memorized some shortcuts and spent the next day testing the park for weaknesses. We had pretty good luck cutting lines and corners, until we got stuck in some studios between the main park and Dr. Suess land or something. Then we gave up and I got a churro. That’s how a lot of my theme park stories end.

http://i.imgur.com/7dnEGeh.gif

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

BREAKING NEWS: Eli Manning has hinted at a potential position switch to wide receiver, telling reporters he planned to “catch ’em all” this season.

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Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

I can’t like this enough.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Was your tournament in Virginia Beach?

If so, you might have played a match against my cousin’s kid.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I legitimately can’t look away

nomonkeyfun

Of course you saw lots of obese people. It’s a park and town named after a fucking chocolate bar.

If it was called Cocaine Park. You would see lots of skinny people, with deviated septums(septa?) talking very fast.

Gratliff

In Delaware, middle school starts at 7th grade. So way back in 1994, me and all the 6th graders from Pulaski Elementary School in Wilmington, DE, went to Hershey Park as a big end year event. It was standard fare, except, unbeknownst to me, the teachers botched the initial headcount. Me being my loner self, I immediately broke away from the buddy system and did my own thing for the entire day, only coming back for lunch, where either there was another botched headcount, or one of the kids didn’t show up, letting it match the same wrong numbers. So we get to 5ish PM, and I’m thinking I can get one more ride in before I need to be at the buses. I try to be smart, so I jump on one by the gate, because that’s being careful to a child. Also, my timing was terrible, because I was 11, and from the top of what I think was the Giant Wheel, I watched the 3 charter buses pull out. I don’t think the ride stopped before the panic attack started. I do remember breaking down completely in the front office at Hershey Park. They were unable to get a hold of the buses I was on, but between the front office, my mom, and a Philadelphia Catholic school that was doing the same thing, I was able to secure a ride from Hershey to Philly, where my mother, full of righteous sound and fury was waiting, preparing for what would become four hours of yelling at everyone from the teacher to the principal to the superintendent. To this day, my mother still has the 5-page groveling apology from the principal. I sometimes wonder how many people lost their job over that, because that’s not something you get a talking to over.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Parish getting owned (artist’s conception)

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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Nowadays all the teachers and administrators involved would have been fired, your parents would have sued the diocese for Dr. Evil money, and your little snowflake self would have had to undergo 200+ hours of intensive therapy to restore your shattered trust in humanity and its institutions.

Gratliff

To be fair, I’m not sure that trust made it that far into my life.