Fantasy Gods, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me? Week 5 2017

As many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on God, and I’m posting every Tuesday how the big man upstairs did me wrong, this will feature as little embellishment as possible.


The scene: Heaven

This is totally what heaven looks like


God sits conversing with the prophet Moses, their discussion is of great importance, seeing its God and Moses. I mean, it has to be, right?


This is what God & Moses Look like


Moses: I’m just saying, haven’t my people suffered enough?


God: its not a contest of suffering…


Moses: you pull me from my sweet gig living with the pharaoh


God: the whole point of that was to teach you humility…


Moses: 40 years in the desert, don’t even see the promised land


God: you could have asked for directions…


Moses: that whole business in germany…


God: Must you bring that up again? I already apologized, and I had nothing to do with it.


Moses: that doesn’t make it okay!


God: Okay, fine, what are your demands?


Moses: first things first: Pork


God: Pork?


Moses; yes pork. You make the animal we swore off inexplicably delicious. I want it to be alright for us to eat it.


God: ……..alright, anything else?


Moses: yes, the whole thing with the circum…



God: Done


Moses: Fine, one last thing


God: what?


Moses: you gotta deal with Jesus. He is a member of God’s chosen people, and we wish to see his pleas answered.


God: Oh me, what did he do now?


Moses: ask him yourself:


Door flies open, Jesus walks in


Jesus: Hello Father


God: Hey champ, what’s shakin?


Jesus: quite frankly, I’m here about your heavenly duties, you’ve been neglecting them.


God: if you’re here about Brocky’s fantasy this week, you’re too late. all of the falcons players he had are on bye, his backups did didley. todd gurley had a paltry 43 yards, kenny stills had 1 catch, and Evan engram? well, the less said about him the better. Hee,hee, hee


Note: Engram had zero catches this week. Zero Points for Brocky


Jesus: Well you see father, I assumed you would pull a stunt like this. So in an effort to thwart your plan, I have decided to intervene on behalf of  his opponent


God: You didn’t….


Jesus: That I did, in addition to Dak Prescot more than filling in as brocky’s qb, we’ll have that other fool start the cardinals defense, sterling Shepard, and the supposedly scary Tarik Cohen. Also, because derrick carr is injured, that simpleton will be starting Trubisky! Brocky advances to 3 and 2, no way to avoid this! Now do your you-damned job like you’re supposed to!



God: You . . . you are no . . . no son of mine!


Jesus: Now that’s where you’re wrong, Father. Why, I believe I’m you writ small.


Narrator: How will this clash of celestial powers play out? Will Brocky’s fantasy woes continue? Will anyone be able to tell this was written at 4 am? Find out next time on Fantasy Football Z!

Congratulations, you've wondered to the profile the being commonly known as Brocky, step 2 is washing it off. Brocky is a castaway from the old site, and took part in the great migration of 2015. His tastes can vary from the cynical to the bizarre, and a weird affinity for the band Nightwish. Brocky is a die hard Chicago fan, and can be found hanging his hat in Indiana, his windbreaker in ohio, and once lost a shoe somewhere in northeast michigan (Don't worry lefty, you and your brother WILL be reunited) anything else? feel free to ask... also, if you're wondering about the pic, its a hyena carrying a the head of a lion. King of the Ocean my Ass!

Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
7 Comment threads
6 Thread replies
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
8 Comment authors
Moose -The End Is Well NighLemonJellotheeWeeBabySeamusBrockyballsofsteelandfury Recent comment authors
Notify of

Is it a sign of CTE that I read Moses as Moose every time and it still made complete sense to me?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Moose” optical illusion? Sure.

made complete sense to me WTF DUDE?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

monty this seems strange to me

Moses; yes pork. You make the animal we swore off inexplicably delicious. I want it to be alright for us to eat it.

God: ……..alright, anything else?

Moses: /rips off mask revealing himself to be Andy Reid


Moses Reid: Yeah, I could use a coupla more timeouts, now that you mention it.

King Hippo

I won in my $$ league, despite zeroes from Engram and the OAK defense. Thanks, Deshaun Watson/DeAndre Hopkins combination 4 TD garbage time!!


You think you’re complaining this week, just wait ’til next week after I’ve kicked your ass.
Your ass is mine, glove boy.

Wait, let me rephrase that.


comment image


I have a picture of what heaven is like but I’ve been told I can’t post pictures of Jennifer Connelly’s vulva.


Feel free to email it to me then.
I’ve always wanted proof of Heaven.


But the problem is that you can’t get in to heaven!



Yeah, there is that I suppose.
Too bad, I do like vulvas.