Fantasy Gods, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me? Week 5 2017

As many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on God, and I’m posting every Tuesday how the big man upstairs did me wrong, this will feature as little embellishment as possible.

The scene: Heaven

This is totally what heaven looks like

God sits conversing with the prophet Moses, their discussion is of great importance, seeing its God and Moses. I mean, it has to be, right?

Moses: I’m just saying, haven’t my people suffered enough?

God: its not a contest of suffering…

Moses: you pull me from my sweet gig living with the pharaoh

God: the whole point of that was to teach you humility…

Moses: 40 years in the desert, don’t even see the promised land

God: you could have asked for directions…

Moses: that whole business in germany…

God: Must you bring that up again? I already apologized, and I had nothing to do with it.

Moses: that doesn’t make it okay!

God: Okay, fine, what are your demands?

Moses: first things first: Pork

God: Pork?

Moses; yes pork. You make the animal we swore off inexplicably delicious. I want it to be alright for us to eat it.

God: ……..alright, anything else?

Moses: yes, the whole thing with the circum…

God: Done

Moses: Fine, one last thing

God: what?

Moses: you gotta deal with Jesus. He is a member of God’s chosen people, and we wish to see his pleas answered.

God: Oh me, what did he do now?

Moses: ask him yourself:

Door flies open, Jesus walks in

Jesus: Hello Father

God: Hey champ, what’s shakin?

Jesus: quite frankly, I’m here about your heavenly duties, you’ve been neglecting them.

God: if you’re here about Brocky’s fantasy this week, you’re too late. all of the falcons players he had are on bye, his backups did didley. todd gurley had a paltry 43 yards, kenny stills had 1 catch, and Evan engram? well, the less said about him the better. Hee,hee, hee

Note: Engram had zero catches this week. Zero Points for Brocky

Jesus: Well you see father, I assumed you would pull a stunt like this. So in an effort to thwart your plan, I have decided to intervene on behalf of  his opponent

God: You didn’t….

Jesus: That I did, in addition to Dak Prescot more than filling in as brocky’s qb, we’ll have that other fool start the cardinals defense, sterling Shepard, and the supposedly scary Tarik Cohen. Also, because derrick carr is injured, that simpleton will be starting Trubisky! Brocky advances to 3 and 2, no way to avoid this! Now do your you-damned job like you’re supposed to!

God: You . . . you are no . . . no son of mine!

Jesus: Now that’s where you’re wrong, Father. Why, I believe I’m you writ small.

Narrator: How will this clash of celestial powers play out? Will Brocky’s fantasy woes continue? Will anyone be able to tell this was written at 4 am? Find out next time on Fantasy Football Z!