Shellraiser

INT. A DARK ROOM – NIGHT

A large man sits in a dark room, in the center of a ring of burning candles.  In his hands he holds an ornate puzzle box, which, once solved, can unleash arcane secrets and bestow mystical powers upon its possessor. . . . . . . . 

ART SHELL: [stares at puzzle box]

ART SHELL: [stares at puzzle box]

ART SHELL: [stares at puzzle box]

ART SHELL: [stares at puzzle box]

ART SHELL: [stares at puzzle box]

VOICE OF AL DAVIS: Oh, for fuck’s sake…

— [box flies open] —

AL DAVIS: I’m sorry, but I can’t wait another lifetime for you to figure this out.

ART SHELL: [stares at AL DAVIS]

AL DAVIS: Yes, as you can see, my return from the underworld has left me…less than whole.

ART SHELL: [stares at AL DAVIS]

AL DAVIS: I intend to rebuild my franchise…but first, I must rebuild myself.  To do so…I must feed.

ART SHELL: [stares at AL DAVIS]

AL DAVIS: You will bring me that which I need?

ART SHELL: [nods slightly]

—

The next day.

ART SHELL: [presents AL DAVIS with his offering]

AL DAVIS: [hurls Arby’s smokehouse brisket sandwich into the corner] You imbecile!  Again!

—

One bucket of chicken, two slabs of beef ribs, and three days later, ART SHELL and another, much younger man enter the room. 

JOHN ROSS: …and as long as you write a big enough check to the league office, you can just repurchase my draft rights?

ART SHELL: [nods slightly]

JOHN ROSS: Well that’s just great! Cause I’m tired as shit of sitting on the bench in Cincinnati.  One fumble doesn’t mean I have bad hands!

ART SHELL: [stares at JOHN ROSS]

JOHN ROSS: Oh, right, yeah, your boss doesn’t care about that. Say, it’s awfully spooky in here…maybe there’s a light switch somewhere…

Suddenly AL DAVIS leaps from out of the shadows.  Fade to black over horrifying sounds of sucking and slurping.   

—

Four days later.  A complicated setup has been constructed to allow a laptop to project a video through an ancient overhead projector as AL DAVIS watches.

FANTASY FOOTBALL ANALYST: …and with more mysterious injuries sidelining receivers Tyreek Hill, Brandin Cooks, Marquise Goodwin, and Desean Jackson, it looks like the pickings are slim if you’re looking for someone to use in a big play bonus league.  Even Ted Ginn Jr. will be on the bench.  So it looks like you’re fucked six ways from Sunday.  Which brings us of course, to the sex advice part of the show…

AL DAVIS: [shuts laptop]

AL DAVIS: It feels so good to be whole again.

ART SHELL: [stares at AL DAVIS]

AL DAVIS: Now about this player you were telling me about.  He ran for 181 yards and two touchdowns in one game?

ART SHELL: [nods slightly]

AL DAVIS: And he has Super Bowl experience?

ART SHELL: [nods slightly]

AL DAVIS: …and still NOBODY has signed him?

ART SHELL: [shakes his head slightly]

AL DAVIS: [puts on sunglasses, straightens tie] I see.  This is certainly welcome news.  It seems as though it is time to take this football world back…by 7torm…

Fade to black as AL DAVIS laughs ominously and thunder rolls.