Shellraiser

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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INT. A DARK ROOM – NIGHT

A large man sits in a dark room, in the center of a ring of burning candles.  In his hands he holds an ornate puzzle box, which, once solved, can unleash arcane secrets and bestow mystical powers upon its possessor. . . . . . . . 

ART SHELL: [stares at puzzle box]

ART SHELL: [stares at puzzle box]

ART SHELL: [stares at puzzle box]

ART SHELL: [stares at puzzle box]

ART SHELL: [stares at puzzle box]

VOICE OF AL DAVIS: Oh, for fuck’s sake…

— [box flies open] —

AL DAVIS: I’m sorry, but I can’t wait another lifetime for you to figure this out.

ART SHELL: [stares at AL DAVIS]

AL DAVIS: Yes, as you can see, my return from the underworld has left me…less than whole.

ART SHELL: [stares at AL DAVIS]

AL DAVIS: I intend to rebuild my franchise…but first, I must rebuild myself.  To do so…I must feed.

ART SHELL: [stares at AL DAVIS]

AL DAVIS: You will bring me that which I need?

ART SHELL: [nods slightly]

The next day.

ART SHELL: [presents AL DAVIS with his offering]

AL DAVIS: [hurls Arby’s smokehouse brisket sandwich into the corner] You imbecile!  Again!

One bucket of chicken, two slabs of beef ribs, and three days later, ART SHELL and another, much younger man enter the room. 

JOHN ROSS: …and as long as you write a big enough check to the league office, you can just repurchase my draft rights?

ART SHELL: [nods slightly]

JOHN ROSS: Well that’s just great! Cause I’m tired as shit of sitting on the bench in Cincinnati.  One fumble doesn’t mean I have bad hands!

ART SHELL: [stares at JOHN ROSS]

JOHN ROSS: Oh, right, yeah, your boss doesn’t care about that. Say, it’s awfully spooky in here…maybe there’s a light switch somewhere…

Suddenly AL DAVIS leaps from out of the shadows.  Fade to black over horrifying sounds of sucking and slurping.   

Four days later.  A complicated setup has been constructed to allow a laptop to project a video through an ancient overhead projector as AL DAVIS watches.

FANTASY FOOTBALL ANALYST: …and with more mysterious injuries sidelining receivers Tyreek Hill, Brandin Cooks, Marquise Goodwin, and Desean Jackson, it looks like the pickings are slim if you’re looking for someone to use in a big play bonus league.  Even Ted Ginn Jr. will be on the bench.  So it looks like you’re fucked six ways from Sunday.  Which brings us of course, to the sex advice part of the show…

AL DAVIS: [shuts laptop]

AL DAVIS: It feels so good to be whole again.

ART SHELL: [stares at AL DAVIS]

AL DAVIS: Now about this player you were telling me about.  He ran for 181 yards and two touchdowns in one game?

ART SHELL: [nods slightly]

AL DAVIS: And he has Super Bowl experience?

ART SHELL: [nods slightly]

AL DAVIS: …and still NOBODY has signed him?

ART SHELL: [shakes his head slightly]

AL DAVIS: [puts on sunglasses, straightens tie] I see.  This is certainly welcome news.  It seems as though it is time to take this football world back…by 7torm…

Fade to black as AL DAVIS laughs ominously and thunder rolls.

 

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

I see Roger Goodell as being the ultimate Pinhead.

comment image

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

Yes! Al Davis would sign Kaep just to piss everybody off AND make him throw the bomb to Biletnikoff.

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

Please, please, please tell me that photo of Al Davis, the first one in the story, is photoshopped.
/shudders

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Jeebus. Doesn’t Art Shell EVER shut up?

monty this seems strange to me
Member

another white man trying to shut up a black man, smh

yeah right
Member

I had forgotten how much like the crypt keeper Al got towards the end.

Jesus.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

This post brought me to my knee.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Fuck yeah. This is the stuff.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Art Shell v Shonn Greene’s Locker. Who wins:

1) staring contest
b) a match of “who can be the quietest the longest”
😉 a game of freeze tag

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Tony Sparano’s Football with the folding chair.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Jim Caldwell is the official judge?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

“BAH GAWD, THAT’S CALDWELL’S EERIE SILENCE!”

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Vampire Al Davis needs to be a recurring character.

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

Very nice. Just watched Hellraiser the other night as my wife had never seen it. Al Davis is scarier than Frank every was.

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