Latest posts by yeah right (see all)
- Your “Uh-Oh, Company’s Coming” Saturday Evening Open Thread and NFL Broadcast Maps – November 18, 2017
- Vikings at the Bye. Dare We Hope? – November 9, 2017
- Boots on the Ground: Valhalla – November 3, 2017
Exterior: Wintertime in a wooded area. A shaky handheld camera pans in a 180 degree view.
Voice 1: “Hey Laura? I think I’ve got it!”
Voice 2: “Is it on? Have you ever worked one of those things before?”
V1: “Oh geez, it’s just a camcorder ya know. Even a little kid can work one of these things.”
V2: “Then let’s get this started. Is it recording sound too?”
V1: “Hang on I’ll check.”
Camera fades to black. Thirty seconds later the video and sound come back on.
V1: “Yep, we’re good to go.”
V2: “Hi everybody. I’m Laura Keene and this is my boyfriend Tyler Noosbaum on the camera. Say ‘Hi’ Tyler.”
Tyler: “Hi everybody.”
Laura: “We’re out here today in the woods north of Minnehaha State Park in Western Minneapolis. We are investigating a local legend called ‘The Blair Walsh Project.'”
Tyler: “Geez, that’s a stupid name. Why can’t we call it something cool like the ‘Legend of the Bloody Kicker’ or something like that?”
Laura: “I didn’t come up with the name, Hon. That’s just the way it is. Now stop interrupting, ya goof!”
Laura: “The legend goes something like this: Blair Walsh was once a well known and even well liked kicker for the local NFL team, the Minnesota Vikings…”
Laura: “SKOL! One day it is rumored that Blair fell out of favor with his coach, Coach Zimmer.”
Tyler: “Coach Zimmer rules!”
Laura: “Ya, he rules. Anyhoo, it’s said that Coach finally lost faith in Blair after he missed what was supposed to be an easy kick in a pretty important game.”
Tyler: “Sorry, Hon but he is an asshole.”
Laura: “Ya, you’re right. He’s an asshole. Anyway. The story goes that Coach kidnapped Blair and brought him out to the woods. Some say it was right around here. Coach was supposed to do some pretty bad and unspeakable things to Blair. I don’t know. Coach seems like such a good guy. Some folks say that Blair Walsh is fine and is actually still a kicker for some weird team on the West Coast.”
Tyler: “Ya, I heard that too.”
Laura: “But Becky Gustaffsen swears she heard the screams. She said she went right to the cabin where it happened and saw blood and everything. She was really convincing and you kinna help but believe her.”
Tyler: “She looked pretty scared ya know.”
Laura: “Ya, she was scared. So that’s why we’re here. We’re investigating to finally get the real truth behind the Blair Walsh Project. Let’s head north, Tyler. Becky says it was a couple of miles north of Hinnepin campground and just off Lake Minnetonka. I think that’s this way.”
The shaky-ass handheld camera heads deeper into the woods. Several minutes later it stops.
Laura: “Tyler. Oh my God. What is that?!”
Tyler: “Oh geez! I think that’s somebody’s tooth. That’s actually pretty awesome!”
Laura: “That is NOT awesome, Tyler! That’s sick! That was somebody’s tooth! What happened here? Is the person who did this still around, do you think?”
Tyler: “Don’t know but maybe we should get out of here just in case.”
Laura: “Ya. Let’s go.”
Once again the shaky handheld camera jostles nauseatingly off into the woods. Several minutes go by. The light seems to be leaving and it appears that darkness is approaching.
Tyler: “You know Hon, we may have to set up camp out here and continue in the morning. It’s getting pretty dark out here.”
Laura: “Oh geez, I was hoping we could finish this up today but I guess we could handle camping out. So do you want to pitch us a tent then?
Tyler: giggling “I already did.”
Laura: “Oh you!”
Camera fades to black. Several seconds pass. The camera comes back on and the scene is noticeably darker now. The camera shows Laura in front of a tent, there’s a small campfire going in the background.
Laura: “So I guess we’re turning in. We’ll continue on tomorrow. Let’s get some sleep, Hon.”
Camera fades to black. Seconds later the camera activates with only a dim outline of Laura’s face. She appears to be in a frightened panic.
Laura: “Oh god. Oh god. What’s that sound? It sounds like someone is being strangled. Where’s it coming from?”
Tyler: “I don’t know Hon but it’s real close. It almost sounds like it’s coming from in here. Geez, now it sounds like they’re speaking in Spanish or something. Can you understand it?”
Laura: “We’re in Minnesota, Hon we don’t have Spanish around here. Now it sounds like somebody is getting strangled again. Oh God, Tyler I’ve never been so scared!”
Tyler digs around at the foot of the sleeping bags and comes out holding a cell phone. “It’s your phone, Hon. The sound is coming from there.”
Laura huddles closer. “But what is that sound? It’s horrible!”
A voice comes over the phone: “That was Rihanna with her latest jam. Coming up next we have…”
Tyler turns the phone off.
Tyler: “That was a ‘song’? Oh geez! Why was she speaking like she was Hispanic? I didn’t know Rihanna was Hispanic. Is she Hispanic?”
Laura: “I don’t think so.”
Tyler: “But if she’s not Hispanic why is she speaking with that accent? Doesn’t that seem a little…”
Laura: “Tyler. Don’t say it!”
Tyler: “It’s just that, say it was me doing that and I’m trying to sound like a…”
Laura: “Tyler! Don’t!”
Tyler: “Sorry. You know it’s just a few hours until daylight and I don’t think I can go back to sleep. How about we push on instead. I’m not going back to sleep after that.
Laura: “Ya, let’s go. This place is terrifying.”
Camera fades to black. A few seconds pass. The camera is now back on with the only illumination coming from a single, bobbing, weaving flashlight. It is all pretty difficult to follow. A figure appearing to be Laura is walking through a dense, dark crowded forest.
Laura: “North is this way Hon. Let’s go.”
The camera bobbles and weaves and the whole thing is enough to cause motion sickness.
Laura: – sounding utterly terrified – “I don’t think this is a good idea. It’s really scary out here Hon.”
Tyler’s disembodied voice: “It’s just a little dark. We’ll be fine. What is that up ahead of you. Looks like a building of some kind. Is that the place?”
Laura: “It is a building. I can see a dim light coming from it. Let’s get a closer look and then we can get out of here. I want to go home right away.”
The camera shows the dim outline of Laura and a flashlight. The flashlight shows an outline of a cabin. The front door of the cabin is open.
Laura: “Keep the camera close Hon. Let’s take a look and then we can get out of here.”
The camera now shows what looks like a torch lit hallway.
Laura: “Oh shit. This can’t be good. What is that dripping sound?”
The camera shows a quick flash of something on the wall.
Laura screaming: “It’s blood. It’s blood! Oh dear sweet merciful Jesus! Let’s go Tyler! Let’s just go!”
Tyler – obviously shaken – “OK but…I don’t really remember which way we came in.”
Laura: “What do you mean? We came in right…”
Laura looks around and the room appears to have grown to an enormous size. There are doors and hallways leading everywhere.
Laura: “What the..How did that happen? WE JUST CAME IN HERE! Tyler I’m scared to death!”
The flashlight dies and the camera fades to utter darkness.
The camera shows a quick image on the wall as the sound of Tyler smacking the flashlight is heard in the background.
Tyler: “Fuck! I almost had the flashlight working!” He continues to smack the base of the flashlight.
Laura: “Tyler! You watch your mouth! Just because we are in immediate danger of being dismembered and sent to a violent and grisly death is no reason to forget your tongue!”
Tyler: “Oh geez. You’re right Hon. Sorry.”
The camera goes dark again as Tyler continues to smack the flashlight trying desperately to get it to work. The camera lights up for a quick second again.
Tyler and Laura both scream for bloody murder as the light goes back out.
Laura: “AAAAIIIIIII! What in the Goddamn motherfucking holy goddamn shit baskets was that! That looked like Blair Walsh. That looked like Blair Walsh!!”
Tyler – extremely impressed – “Holy shit, Hon! You’re vocabulary is fucking awesome!”
Laura: “Fuck that! Did you see him!? Did you see him?!?”
Tyler: “Ya. I saw him. He was all tied up and he looked pretty bad. Damn this flashlight!”
A few more seconds of Tyler smacking the flashlight is heard. The camera illuminates…
Tyler: “There’s nothing here! It’s just an old empty basement!”
Laura – screaming – “But I saw him! I SAW HIM AND YOU DID TOO!!!”
Tyler: “I don’t know, Hon. I did see something but look! There’s nothing there. We had to imagine it.”
The flashlight goes dark and the camera fades to complete darkness.
Laura: “Tyler! Tyler, where are you?!”
Tyler – voice sounding distant – “Over here Hon. Don’t move! I don’t want us to get separated!”
Laura: “I’m not moving! I’m standing completely still! You’re moving!”
Tyler – sounding even more distant: “I haven’t taken a step, Laura! Where are you?”
Laura: – screaming – “OH GOD! OH GOD! SOMETHING BRUSHED MY LEG, TYLER. THERE’S SOMETHING IN HERE. NOOOOOOO!!!!! TYLER!”
Tyler: “I can barely hear you Laura. Where are you? Stand still! We can’t get separated.”
In utter blackness all that is heard is screaming followed by Laura breathing deeply and her shaken voice.
Laura: “No. Please God no. Please God. WHAT IS THAT! WHAT IS THAT SOUND?!?
A sound is heard just off camera: “SNARLGNASHSNARLSNARLRIPTEAR!!!”
Laura’s screams fade out.
Tyler: “Laura? Laura, where are you? Damn this flashlight!” Tyler smacks the flashlight a few more times. Tyler speaks, obviously shaken to the core. “For the record, this is me, Tyler Noosbaum. I’ve lost all contact with Laura. I have no light and I’ve completely lost my bearings. I need to face the fact that this may be it for me. If anyone finds this tape please tell Laura that I love her. Please tell my parents that I love them and will miss them. Most of all make sure everyone knows that the Legend of the Blair Walsh Project is REAL. IT’S REAL!!! Please Mama! I don’t want to die. Laura! LAURA!!!”
The camera illuminates:
Tyler screams as camera fades to black.
Speaking of credits, big thanks and respect to our own Rikki Tikki Deadly and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers for their amazing photoshop skills. Respect!