Okay so, Arizona Cardinals bye week here uhhhh, let’s see…let’s see…let us seen here now…

Okay!

So, let me take you back a bit here to 2015 when Bruce Arians’ “No Risk It, No Biscuit” offense was firing on all cylinders (thus, actually, minimizing risk), Carson Palmer was in the MVP conversation, and us fans were like, “Shit, if they win this one [Super Bowl], I bet that’d be enough for B.A./Palmer/Fitz and kudos to those men for fine careers and going out on top. Let’s build them statues.” Then they got trounced in an NFC title game that, I’m fairly sure, never saw Cam Newton pressured enough that he even bothered to put in his mouthpiece.

Now here’s the ugly truth about the 2017 Cardinals that fans would never speak of in the preseason: this is Fitz/Palmer/B.A.’s Kobe farewell season. Granted, the Cards are more talented than the 2016 Lakers but the bottom line is simple — whatever this team does, it’s these mens’ jobs to do it. Be great or shit the bed, the roster wouldn’t significantly change. There is good chemistry in that the locker room but, more importantly, the degrading factor is that there is little depth. Even with Patrick Peterson playing as the league’s most dominant corner, the defense can’t get a third down stop so it ain’t like Arizona can rely on a defense to rescue an offense that is now being lead by Drew Stanton.

But that’s some outside the lines business. Let’s talk win and losses.

So David Johnson broke his arm during the first game of the season and the Cards pissed a second half lead away to Detroit and that about set the stage for their position of trading wins and losses to a 3-4 record. They have beaten shit teams (Colts and 49ers both in OT, Bucs by three coming down to the wire) and have been murdered by anyone who is decent (combined scores of losses to to RAMMIT & Eagles: 67-7). They have a pretty generic closing schedule so 6-10 just feels right — especially if those six wins are over the appropriate teams that will fuck them in a draft where they JUST ABSOLUTELY MUST DRAFT A 1ST ROUND READY-TO-PLAY FRANCHISE QB. Which leads me to my most important point about this franchise.

But first —

I would like to give a brief paragraph to Carson Palmer. Drafted a Bengal and then exiled to Oakland (when they were really fucking bad), Palmer came to the desert when Bruce Arians was passed over by the Bears to become the Cardinals coach.  After leading the league in sacks taken, Palmer’s skeleton is finally breaking down and his career will soon be over (either by retirement or some kind of death that can be attributed to Palmer being immobile – hit by car? Is that how sloths die?) and, though he will have a nice little career, I would just like to praise Carson Palmer for getting absolutely fucking annihilated for four of his five years here and he’s never said anything other than, “I take the blame.” He hasn’t called out receivers for screwing up routes. You don’t hear Chris and Al talking about how passionate he is about the game because he’s on SNF screaming at his center because he’s sick of getting blown up. He’s just kind of a professional like that. Also he’s white, which makes him endearing to Arizonans. So, while this really needs to be his last year with Arizona, I’d like to give him some props.

Okay, back to the team. The final point I wanted to get to was that Mike Bidwill needs to just move this piece of shit franchise to Los Angeles. You know why there are no photos in this post? Because this franchise is absolute trash. One NFC West title under Arians (three in the last decade) IS THE GOLDEN ERA FOR THIS NEARLY 100 YEAR OLD FRANCHISE.  Their shit owner — who is only owner because it is his birthright from another shit owner — is very good at the marketing/getting a new stadium/asking for more time. He fucking sucks at running a successful franchise and, as they say when not talking about impeachment, I don’t expect Bidwill to pivot towards being successful anytime soon. Oh sure, even a non-Browns clock is right a couple times a day and the Cardinals will be decent again in spurts but they’re a bottom-feeding franchise with a bottom-feeding owner and a fanbase that went from non-existent at Sun Devil Stadium to 99% scalpers at the new Fake College Stadium. Wow — what a fucking deal that project was! A project that will, mind you, not be nice enough for the Cardinals in a few years. And with Glendale killing plans to run the light rail through downtown, it’ll now NEVER be easy to go to Cardinals games.

No no — just move the fucking team to LA.

That all said, I’d pin them to close out at 5-12 and, frankly, it won’t matter.