Football is Family

INT. A COLORADO CABIN, THANKSGIVING DAY

A family gathers around an ornate Thanksgiving feast. The matriarch sets the rolls on table and calls on her husband to turn off the game and come join everyone at the table. He clicks the remote, mumbling that the Lions weren’t going to be a match for the Vikings anyways, and approaches the table. He takes his seat and looks around the table — the man is beaming with pride.

Mike Shanahan: Peggy, this all looks so wonderful.  You’ve outdone yourself again [PEGGY blushes at her husband]. And for everyone to make it here…I know we didn’t always get to enjoy Thanksgiving when I was in the league but it means a lot to me that everyone I invited was able to make it this year.


Jenna Bush Hager: Daddy was sorry he couldn’t make it, Coach. We still aren’t sure why the FAA wouldn’t let his flight get out of Texas but he sends his best wishes.

Mike: Quite alright dear. I tried putting in a call to the White House for some information but I guess hosting a fundraiser for the current President isn’t enough to get through on a holiday. Either way, we’re just glad that you were able to make it dear. Have you met our other guest, by the way?

Hager: Oh no, I’m sorry. I think I parked up by you though. I’m Jenna B Hager. Now do you have the lifted 4×4 with the windshield decal?

Sean McVay: Yeah, it’s the tits, huh? Says RAMMIT. I’m Coach Sean McVay and consider me charmed.

Hager [blushing a darker red than PEGGY had]: Oh, well it is so nice to meet you. And Coach — I mean, Coach Shanahan — it’s so wonderful to see your lovely family again. It takes me back to the college days of rooming with Krystal to see you all again.

Mike: Well, of course, you are always welcome in our home. You two girls just be safe tonight. Lotta drunks out there.

HAGER and KRYSTAL SHANAHAN nod in agreement as they get up to help PEGGY bring the dishes to the table. MIKE turns to other two guests.

Mike: And what are you two up to after we eat?

McVay: Well, depends Coach —

Mike: Call me Mike.

McVay: Well, depends Mike, I noticed my guest house had it’s own entrance and I wanted to know if guests were allowed first. Because I stopped in at a cool little bar just down in the flats that I thought might have more than a couple hot young numbers home from college break.

Mike: Hey, if you can land one then more power to you.

McVay: Was kind of thinking two, Mike.

Mike: Live it up! You’re the hottest young coach of the hottest turnaround team in the biggest market in the league. You’re sitting at what now, 5-3? Go get ’em.

McVay: 7-3, Mike.

Mike: Oh yeah, I forgot about your shut out of the Cardinals in London. Well, good luck tonight. Same thing though, be careful for the drunks and don’t get caught drinking and driving yourself.

PEGGY, HAGER, and KRYSTAL SHANAHAN return, placing the Thanksgiving feast on the table.  

Mike: How about you? What are you doing after dinner?


Kyle Shanahan: I don’t know. Probably film study. Seattle is the just team for us to catch off the bye and —

Hager: Oh I’m sorry, could we not talk about sports at the table?

Mike: Thank you, Jenna. That is one of our rules, Kyle. I know it’s too late for you to wear something appropriate to the table but I’d hope our guests wouldn’t have to be the ones setting table manners for this lovely meal. Which, by the way Peggy, is just lovely.

Kyle: Yeah mom, this is really some good —

McVay: It is amazing, Mrs Shanahan. Completely worth the drive from Los Angeles. It’s been so great to get out of the city and enjoy the country air and a nice home cooked meal. And this sweet potato bake is really knocking my socks off, ma’am.

Hager: Actually, I made that. And I’m so glad you like it. It’s an old family recipe. But I am sorry to interrupt now, what were you saying Kyle?

Kyle: Oh I uhhh….just that the food’s pretty good. I like the bake also. Did your…who in your family passed on the recipe to you, Jenna? Like, who taught you how to cook all like uh….yeah, it’s good.

Mike: Don’t mind him, Jenna. Kyle here still has a bit of a crush on you and —

Kyle: No I don’t! I just, I like the bake. The potato bake.

McVay: Dude, there’s not even any on your plate.

Kyle: WHY IS HE EVEN HERE?!

Mike: Sean is right. You don’t have any on there.

Kyle: Why is he here? Why the hell would you invite another head coach from a division rival to Thanksgiving dinner with us!?

Mike: Well, maybe if you had any friends of your own, I wouldn’t have to invite the only other boy your age that you hang out with.

Kyle: WE DON’T HANG OUT! WE COACH AGAINST EACH OTHER! WE’RE IN COMPETITION!

McVay: Doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, man. I mean, we’re not even discussing football.

Hager: Well, just at the table, right? I’d love to hear more about the sport after dinner. Maybe over drinks?

Kyle: Yeah Jenna, I’d love to answer your questions about football. I’ve been a head coach for a couple years now, you know.

Hager: Oh I don’t want to take your away from planning. Maybe Coach Sean can show me?

Mike: I’m sure Sean would love to explain things. He’s very talented. Took a bust of a QB and placed him firmly in the MVP conversation with just a few months of coaching. You must be a natural teacher, there son.

McVay: Oh well, Jared is a good student; went to Cal, you know. It’s the players who don’t listen as well that I have to work on a bit harder.

Hager: Ooooh and what is that you have to do with the bad students?

Kyle: YOU KNOW, I don’t think anyone is a bad student. My philosophy is that every player can learn, it’s up to the coach to teach them effectively.

McVay: That’s awesome, Kyle. It’s great that you’re holding on to the locker room. I don’t know if I could go winless for this long without losing some guys.

Hager: You haven’t won any games?

Kyle: OH MY GOD DAD! WHY ARE THEY EVEN HERE?! WHAT THE HELL? I COULD HAVE STAYED HOME AND JUST WORKED THIS WEEKEND IF I’D HAVE KNOWN IT WAS GONNA BE LIKE THIS??

Mike:
 WELL I JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE NICE TO HAVE A WINNER AT THE TABLE FOR ONCE! OR DO I HAVE TO GO OUT AND WIN A THIRD SUPER BOWL???

Kyle: He hasn’t even beaten anybody!

McVay: Well, I mean, we did beat your team.

Kyle: We fucking suck and we almost won! You play anyone decent and you lose! Shit dad, he shut out Arizona? So fucking what? They’re terrible!

Hager: Well, did you play Arizona?

Kyle: SHUT! THE! FUCK! UP! JENNA!

McVay: Hey pal, I don’t think that is necessary here. If you don’t like it here, just go.

Kyle: You know what, I think that’s for the best. Mom, thanks for cooking. Sean — go fuck yourself, asshole.

KYLE storms out and slams the door, leaving his jacket behind. Moments later, tires are heard peeling out of the driveway. 

McVay [mumbling to self]Yeah fuck myself to coach of the year.

Mike: Language!

McVay: Sorry Mike.

Mike: It’s alright. And call me Dad.



Kyle: I fucking KNEW this was going to happen! Fucking knew it! You know what? That’s fine. That’s fine. I’ll show them. I’ll show them all! You just wait and see. You’ll all see!

KYLE turns up his heater, rolls down the windows, and cranks up the stereo for his drive back to San Francisco.

 

 

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blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

This was fucking awesome. Kyle Shanahan deserves this treatment from everyone in and out of his family

...

So it *is* possible to cuck a son.

Game Time Decision

there’s no way that Jenna or Peggy were blushing darker than Mike

laserguru

McVay does come across as a smarmy little cunt doesn’t he?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GUY BLAXXABATH I CALL HIM DEREK CARR BECAUSE HE IS BETTER THAN A BUNCH OF DEGENERATES LIKE US DESERVE!

/this really was fantastic

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

So my pseudo-queer nephew said I have to come here to comment today. This is worse than when I saw Mark Duper paint a South Beach prostitute’s face with “Super Duper Dolphin’s Juice.”

King Hippo

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh my dear lord…. Buddy, this is just too damned funny.

Uncle Ed, it’s nice to make your acquaintance, Sir.
And contrary to what anyone tells you, if you try to blame me for your…let’s call it “indiscriminate DNA dispensations”….no one here will believe you.

/knows everyone here would believe you
//trying to get ahead of this before it’s too late

theeWeeBabySeamus

Every year, Kyle just has to be the drama queen.
What an attention whore!!!!

(nicely done blax. I LMFAO’d. Good prelude to turkey cooking, which commences….NOW)