Playoffs huh? I’m more of a Browns 0-16 Parade kind of guy myself.
Well, I’m not here to comment on the quality of the games, gamesmanship, or game day experience. Though I will admit that I did watch the Bills game to the extend that I turned it on, literally, one play before Tyrod Taylor got hurt (so what, like, 10 minutes in real time?) and then Nathan Peterman came in and sealed the proverbial deal. Holy cow, that poor bastard. I mean, he’ll surely be forgotten about by the end of next year but — sheesh. That’s a rough NFL performance.
Have you ever gone to a blackjack table with $100, bought for a heaping stack of five $20 chips — and proceeded to go broke on bust, bust, bad beat, push, double down & bad beat? That’s about Nathan Peterman’s career. Just a slow death by eroding capital.
Then I watched former Cardinal turned Jag, Calais Campbell, do a post game interview and thought about how great it would have been to have him and NFL sack leader, Chandler Jones, on the same line. But instead Bruce Arians drove Calais out of the desert a year before retiring himself. No future no biscuit, as we say here in the desert.
Anyways, here are your Wild Card Quotables. Make me proud. Make me [shakes fist]…
Airheads are the new Skittles.
“Noted.”
-G. Zimmerman
“Rollin’ down the street smokin’ indo, sippin’ on…Dasani and Diet Coke? Man, I’m gettin’ old…”
“I CALL MY OTTERBOX BRAD BECAUSE, LIKE THIS GUY HERE, THERE’S NOTHING IT CAN’T DO.”
OtterBox – it’s tough enough for the Gruden Grinder, and it’s tough enough for you.
#MeToo
– cameraman
THIS APP RIGHT HERE I CALL THIS APP JENNIFER ANISTON BECAUSE IT’S STILL OBSESSED WITH WHAT SOME GUY NAMED BRAD DID 15 YEARS AGO
You would think that the fucker had the Waffle House menu memorized by now…
“That’s nothing.”
– Albert Haynesworth
Needs more Randy Orton.
I go to you. I stick up for you. You no help me now. I say “Fuck you, Titans”, I do it myself.
Dammit! I knew we should’ve charged Goff to 100%!
Jeff Triplette reflexively awards the Seahawks a touchdown.
Only this phone remembers Brad Johnson
“WOW, he’s holding his phone the same way I do when I book my SuperCuts stylist. Give him another $5M!”
Just says “DO NOT RUN” over and over…great advice for life AND holding onto a lead in the playoffs
MUST. JUMP. ON. TABLE. LET ME GO. THOSE FLAMES WON’T BURN FOREVERRRRRR
“Timeout? Is that on here? Is that a play I can call?”
Even when I’m watching football, I’m breaking down game film
With Kyle Shanahan’s “Play calling for dummies” I can’t lose!
“Why are you beating me up? It’s true they never allow bortles at New Era Field, they only sell carns.”
Alternatively:
Two Buffalo Tens are seen fighting three Jacksonville Tens.
Jesus, Bill. You NEVAR go Full Dotard.
Seems like the wrong time to be passing out business cards for his new venture, “Bitchin’ Kamara Valet Service.”
Luckily coach was able to stop before his jaw shattered the studio floor, sending the whole show into the hellmouth beneath them.
“I still prefer beads”
-Girls going wild
Somewhere Tom Jackson is sitting in shock.
Stan Kroenke sent those two suits in the background to make sure all that Rams merchandise was returned to the gift shop.
You’ll never get that weed smell out. Trust me, I gots teenagers.
it took me way too long to find the second suit.
Mariotta wasn’t comfortable with the audible’s name being “Indian Giver” but he had to admit it worked.
“I did that quite often when I played running back. It saves your brain.”
-Trent Green
Same frightened and disgusted face Lindsey Duke used to make during sex.
No Blake, that isn’t a giant bottle of Johnnie Red.
Siegfried feared the day would come when Roy’s PTSD would impact his new job as a sideline cameraman.
“Do not stop this fight. No matter what.”
Since you guys block for me so well, let me return the favor, here are some Trojans for when we hit Bourbon Street later!
https://youtube.com/watch?v=9Yyk0yWMhGE&feature=youtu.be
Knowing #24 plays volleyball a lot really helped me set up that play! Thanks Sun Tzu!
“Now THAT is what a leader of men looks like!”
-80% of NFL GMs and people offended by kneeling player protests
Andy Reid looks at his supper menu and realizes, he can’t be in the playoffs and keep up with his true passion – eating, so he makes a fateful decision. For the Greater Gut!
Snoop’s prediction of total playoff points scored by the Rams was close but just a little too low
“YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT REALLY GETS MY ROCKS OFF, SEAN? THIS RIGHT HERE IS WHAT I CALL GRADE-A PRIMO FAPPING MATERIAL. IT REALLY PUTS THE LEAD IN MY OLD PENCIL, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?”
“Why must we suffer the slings and arrows of this fool? Where is the beer, flames and 300lb slob to drive through the table? Where’s the art in this?”
-All Buffalo Fans
Art is still in the burn unit from when he drunkenly mistook the flaming stainless steel grill at the local hibachi place for his Sunday afternoon pastime.
I CALL THIS GUY OPRAH AS HE HAS GIFTS FOR EVERYBODY.
ONE FOR YOU.
ONE FOR YOU.
ONE FOR YOU.
Ahh, the Trent Green 2 step shuffle.
Snoop collects $50k for this product placement
what’s with Pheeeel’s shoes
Howie Long sent him a pair of Skechers Relaxed Fits?
Someone told Baby Buster there’s no more juice on the sideline.
/Eli nods in sympathy, then goes back to his coloring books.
“Okay, his forward progress is stopped right here.” – Jeff Triplette
“Trent? Trent, is that you? It’s been so long…I…I, can’t feel my legs…so, so cold. Hold me, Trent, and tell me about the rabbits.”
A lone gunshot rings out, breaking through the low buzz of conversation among of tens of “fans” in the mostly empty LA Coliseum.
“With the money from my new gig I was able to upgrade to an iPhone 5.”
James Brown (thinking): I wonder if any other networks are hiring.
“You heard me. ONE. OF. EVERYTHING. ON. THIS. MENU.”
“Did I say one of everything on the menu? I meant three of everything.”
This is doubleplus good.