345 Park Avenue, New York, NY

NFL Headquarters

I was meeting with Roger Goodell, the head of the NFL. I hadn’t expected to get an actual meeting with him, as I’d heard that – since President Trump had declared him a national disgrace over the kneeling issue – he’d become a recluse in his office. Desperate for any positive public perception, he agreed to our meeting in hopes he might turn around his very negative public image. Without prompting, he began to speak, as if trying to seduce me with his words.

When you think about the NFL, you probably imagine two of our most popular and enduring myths. The first is that our mission is to search the globe for any conceivable talent to bring to the United States, and the second is that we have the power to force the NCAA to provide that service for us.

This myth is the by-product of an organization, which, by its very nature, must exist and operate in secrecy. Secrecy is a vacuum and nothing fills a vacuum like paranoid speculation. I’m sure you’ve heard the complaints: “What is a catch?” “Why are tickets so expensive?” “Is there anything we can’t monetize?” “Why are we always favoring the Patriots?” “Hi, I’m Trent Green. Do you have any Tylenol?”

This is the image most people had of the League before the signing, and it’s an image we were more than happy to encourage. We wanted bad guys to suspect us, to fear us and maybe think twice before trying to breach our autocratic rules. This was the advantage of our image as some kind of omniscient octopus, able to force cities or entire states into granting nebulous “stadium concessions” in order to prevent franchise movement. The only disadvantage was that our own fans believed in that image as well, so whenever anything, anywhere occurred without any warning, where do you think the finger was pointed: “Seriously, what the fuck is a catch?” “Why on earth would the Browns raise ticket prices?” “Why are you always fucking with the Patriots?” “My name’s Trent Green. Do I live here?”

It’s become so commonplace it’s almost laughable. (He attempted to laugh, an action he possibly may not have undertaken in his whole, Godforsaken life.)

AHH – ZOMBIE!

No no. It’s just how I laugh. Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

Yes. Why was he allowed to resume a coaching career. I thought the stink of ESPN was usually enough to derail any talk of a comeback?

It usually is. That’s why we arranged for Ditka to land there after the failed New Orleans experiment. You know, that whole experience sure didn’t turn out the way the League planned.

How so?

It was supposed to be one of the greatest single Maskirovkas in the history of modern sports management. Now that it’s the end of the world, I figure I should say it to someone, especially now that Tom’s dead.

I’m sorry?

It was a deception. The goal wasn’t to improve the team via drafting Ricky Williams. No, the plan was for the team to do so badly they would have moved to another city that Tom Benson wanted. They realized that the best way to mask what they were doing was to hide it in plain sight. Instead of lying about the reasons for their draft strategy, they just lied about what they were drafting for.

That seems quite disingenuous?

Hi, I’m Roger Goodell.

It seems like the fans managed to get their own way.

(sighing) Yes. I really thought that Katrina would work in our favor. Hell, they even played games in another city with an NFL-compatible stadium that was all ready to go.

But then he got cold feet, the games didn’t sell out, and Paul (Tagliabue) made that statement that the Saints were Louisiana’s team. At that point, there was nothing legal or I could do to prevent the Saints from staying. Sure, the Saints got concessions from the city & state, but they’re stuck there now until 2025. I had those San Antonio dimwits on the hook for $200 million!

Well, that provides some clarity on the encouragement for the Rams & Chargers moves, I suppose.

Fuck you.

Anyway, back to my original queries, why was he allowed to sign with the Raiders?

Honestly, we needed some good PR for the Oakland situation. The Vegas move has been living under the radar, and I’d like to keep it that way. With Dean Spanos having to contend with intruders & death threats, we had to find some way to placate Raider fans before the impending move, because those fuckers are CRAZY. I never thought anyone would be stupid enough to bring back Jon Gruden, especially after the disaster his brother’s coaching tenure has become. Alex Smith is an upgrade on Kirk Cousins?! Plus, Mark Davis wanting to bring back a coach that both vexed his father & is fondly remembered in Oakland despite fucking the Raiders out of a Super Bowl is a win-win for the League. For that much money? That dipshit couldn’t have come up with a better plan on purpose. Why would I interfere?!

It really is amazing how people think only Walt Coleman ever fucked the Raiders out of a Super Bowl. He should ask Mark Davis for half of what he’s giving Gruden just to stay retired.

Plus, once we got PFT Commenter on board,

$100 millon from Mark Davis to Jon Gruden may be the largest ever monetary tranaction between two guys who cut there own hair pic.twitter.com/SNopOxMOYL

— PFT Commenter (@PFTCommenter) January 5, 2018

it was smooth sailing. Comment section chucklefucks are the easiest to both please & ignore.

Finally, any update on player relations? 

The dissident crackdown? Oh, you mean the kneeling. Well, that was something that took on a life of its own. Before I could position my 47-point plan, the President hopped on his keyboard and derailed any positive initiative I could envision. At that point, it just seemed better to ride the wave & hope the League could survive those next few weeks.

What was your strategy?

Well, without getting into too much detail, I gathered some of the more influential owners together to attempt a quick strategy to counter what was sure to be negative publicity. It was clear we needed League reforms, but up until that point, there hadn’t been a strategy contemplated, because it’s just easier to ignore the problem & count the money.

Anyway, one of the owners had clearly been working on a plan to prevent player revolution for some time.  His “three-fifths” solution involved a number of steps that – quite frankly – I didn’t think we would be able to achieve:

1. Take one specific Sunday off as an additional bye-week for all teams.
2. Segregate all the players into two working groups based on race, because society’s cleavages along those grounds seemed the best way to initiate the conversations.
3. Sit down with each grouping to solicit ideas about the direction the League was going in, and how we, as a group, could create a united front to encourage society to work towards a social understanding and some common ground.
4. Create a working paper identifying areas of common ground & areas of improvement, which we could take to community leaders for input & approval.
5. Fire all the black players.
6. Hire new white players.
7. Resume the season as if nothing had happened..

That sounds more like a purge. Specifically, a purge of all the black players.

See – you saw it right away. But that fellow – well, he just couldn’t get over the fact that his employees would have the temerity to question him, the organization, or society as a whole. I just tuned it out. Before he was ‘encouraged’ to leave the organization, I remember hearing the word “uppity” a lot during our group calls…

La Jolla, CA

[In recent times, this outpost was considered the most expensive on Earth. Situated in one of the state’s most expensive communities, atop the picturesque California coastline, this beautiful location, and the fact that the police are essentially a private security firm for the residents, were what made La Jolla so attractive to Dean  Spanos.

We meet in “The Patio,” the reinforced stone deck that possesses a spectacular view of the crashing California surf. These and many other improvements were implemented by Mister Spanos when he purchased the property in 1997. He has not left it since The Botched Move.]

Do you understand football economics? I mean big-time, prewar, global capitalism & the power of sports to separate people from their money. Do you get how it worked? I don’t, and anyone who says they do is full of shit. There are no rules, no scientific absolutes. You win, you lose, it’s a total crapshoot. The only rule that ever made sense to me I learned from a history, not an economics, professor at Wharton. “Fear,” he used to say, “fear is the most valuable commodity in the universe.” That blew me away. “Turn on the TV,” he’d say. “What are you seeing? People selling their products? No. People selling the fear of you having to live without their products.” Fuckin’ A, was he right. Fear of aging, fear of loneliness, fear of poverty, fear of failure. Fear is the most basic emotion we have. Fear is primal. Fear sells. That was my mantra. “Fear sells.”

So, that’s what I tried. “Give me a new stadium, or I’ll move the team.” I never expected them to have the stones to challenge my threats.

What about the NFL?

Please, are you serious? The NFL only cares about the NFL, and how it can squeeze a dollar out of the paying public & the lickspittle governments that nominally run those towns. It’s amazing what we have gotten cities & states to give us just to keep our teams in their communities. Kids go without school lunches just so Zygi Wilf doesn’t have to pay a parking tax! Cincinnati had to sell off a hospital due to a funding shortfall brought on by concessions they willingly made to Mike Brown, and that guy doesn’t know there’s a value past “million”. It’s quite ridiculous. All I wanted was a small piece of land downtown where the city would build me a stadium and convention center that I would rent for $1 per year, plus control all events that utilized the facility, for a percentage of the fee. It was ludicrous for them not to accept it.

Plus, we currently live under one of the most business-friendly administrations in American history. J. P. Morgan and John D. Rockefeller are getting wood from beyond the grave for this guy in the White House. So it’s not like the Sherman Act is going to get in the way of anyone looking to make another dollar off the yokels that buy their tickets.

So I threatened to move the team. It had worked before, and I figured Goodell could make San Diego see the error of their ways. After all, it’s not like the Meadowlands currently hosts two winning teams. I figured the threat of my moving the team would be enough to get some of that Wal-mart money flowing out of Kroenke’s tight ass & into my pocket to keep the stink of the AFC out of his building.

And you didn’t know if it would work?

Hey man, I’m Dean Fucking Spanos, the 23rd richest owner in the NFL and the latest in an long line of offspring that have done nothing in life but inherit their good fortune. Either way it turned out, I was going to be a rich man who owned an NFL team he didn’t deserve. USA-USA-USA!

But the damage…

Man, fuck San Diego! They didn’t want to play ball, so they don’t get to watch ball being played in their town. Plus, I worked with Roger to keep them in my TV market, so they have to suffer watching us play the Browns when there’s a perfectly good Steelers game on the national broadcast. “Fuck me?” No no – fuck you!

Plus, none of this would have happened if Jerry Jones hadn’t decided to fuck Mark (Davis) out of moving to LA. That little retard loves Disneyland; loves it so much that’s why he wanted to move the team there. Remember – when his old man took the Raiders there back in the 80s, he had to buy Mark a suite at the Disneyland Hotel because he spent so much time there. Christ, his dopey fucking look was the inspiration for Lumière,

which makes sense, since his old man was the fucking Crypt Keeper.

And you take no personal responsibility?

For what? For making a little fuckin’ cash…well, not a little [giggles]. All I did was what any of us are ever supposed to do. I chased my dream, and I got my slice. If you’ve got a problem with what I did, buy your own team & run it how you want. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

You wanna blame someone, blame whoever runs that fucking city, or the single-issue voters who caused them to get weak knees. Shit, you wanna blame someone, why not start with all the sheep who forked over their greenbacks without bothering to do a little responsible research, those season-ticket holders. I never held a gun to their heads. They made the choice themselves. No one said you had to buy Chargers tickets. Except me – the countless times I threatened to move the team. They’re the bad guys, not me. I never directly hurt anybody, and if anybody was too stupid to get themselves hurt, boo-fuckin-hoo. Of course…

If there’s a hell…[giggles as he talks]…I don’t want to think about how many of those dumb shits might be waiting for me. I just hope they don’t want a refund on their season’s tickets. I use those documents to line Enzo’s crate.

^{The dog knows he’s a hostage.}

So why do you think Mark Davis signed Jon Gruden?

How the fuck should I know?! I don’t even know who coaches my team. Remember – I’m the genius that replace Marry Schottenheimer with Norv Turner. Norv. Turner. All I know is that ever since that little cocksucker Eli said he wouldn’t play here, I’ve had Philip Rivers over a fucking barrel.

How so?

Man, I convinced the uptight little shit that, in a black-dominated league like the NFL, a good Catholic boy like him needed all the friends he could get. As a lapsed Greek Orthodox, I was the closest thing to a religious figure he was going to find in California that didn’t worship trees or black Jesus.

Also, it helps that I’m the one funding his little Romanist breeding program. What’s he up to now – seven kids? He needs me to keep paying him, since, at his age & salary, no one will touch him if I let him go. Even got the little fucker to call me “Pope Dean” the other day. Power (makes “chef’s kiss” motion) is all that matters in today’s society.

On that note, won’t you be a tenant in Los Angeles? Stan Kroenke will be your landlord, and…

That’s it. This interview’s over. How dare you use facts to suborn my reality! You can’t come into my house and insult me like that.

I see. Well, in any regard, thank you for your time.

Fuck you very much.