Request Line: Crippling Alcoholism

EXT. ARIZONA STATE HIGHWAY 87 – DAY

A car appears to be stalled in the breakdown lane of the northbound lane.  A pair of state troopers, identified here only by their Breitbart.com handles MLK_NO_WAY and ARPAIO4EVR, emerge from their vehicle and walk forward.  The younger-looking of the two – MLK_NO_WAY – unbuckles his sidearm, but is waved off by the more experienced ARPAIO4EVR.

ARPAIO4EVR: It’s fine, it’s not stolen.

MLK_NO_WAY: Yeah, but he might be…

ARPAIO4EVR: Nah, I checked the name.  He’s not.

The duo arrive at the passenger door of the vehicle and peer inside.

STEVE KEIM: [snores]

MLK_NO_WAY: Yeesh.  Smells like a brewery.

ARPAIO4EVR: Sure does.

MLK_NO_WAY: Looks like he’s asleep.

ARPAIO4EVR: Ya think?

MLK_NO_WAY: [taps STEVE KEIM on the shoulder] Sir? Sir.

STEVE KEIM: [jolts awake] Two beers!

MLK_NO_WAY: Excuse me?

STEVE KEIM: [slurring] Two beers. In the last hour.  All I had.  And some pizza.

ARPAIO4EVR: All right, all right, out of the vehicle.

STEVE KEIM: I can’t. Bad knee.

ARPAIO4EVR: Out. Of. The. Vehicle.

MLK_NO_WAY: Now.

STEVE KEIM: Call Sean.  He’s my boy.

ARPAIO4EVR: What?

STEVE KEIM: Sean McKenzie.  He’ll tell you what’s up.

ARPAIO4EVR: Sean McKenzie DIED four years ago, you asshole. Get out of the goddamned car.

STEVE KEIM reluctantly gets out of the vehicle and stumbles as he tries to stay upright.  ARPAIO4EVR follows him and begins administering a field sobriety test which…does not go well for KEIM. 

STEVE KEIM: You guys know who I am, right?

ARPAIO4EVR: According to your driver’s license you’re Steve Keim.

STEVE KEIM: That’s right.  I’m [hic] security director for the Cardinals.

MLK_NO_WAY: Oh, in that case…[takes out handcuffs]

ARPAIO4EVR: You shouldn’t have said that, man.

STEVE KEIM: What’s wrong with…

MLK_NO_WAY: [slaps the cuffs on] We’re Cowboys fans.

ARPAIO4EVR frowns as he’s distracted by something. 

ARPAIO4EVR: Hey, what’s that sound?

MLK_NO_WAY: [glances back at the vehicle] It’s the radio.  It’s still on.

ARPAIO4EVR: Well I’ll be damned.  Turn it up, man.  It’s time for Jimmy and The Animal.

MLK_NO_WAY leans into the vehicle and cranks up the volume.

PRODUCER: …and special thanks to Justin Blackmon for his, um, efforts today.  Keep fighting that fight, Justin.  Next up is Jimmy and the Animal who are just dying to tell you their thoughts on the latest in the anthem controversy, but we’ll close things out here on Request Line with some final thoughts on our topic of “crippling alcoholism” by Sincere Engineer.  Over and out.

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Editor’s Note: Today’s theme is “crippling alcoholism” – no party songs here; we’re talking the dark side of things.  In order to have videos appear in comments, you don’t have to mess around with embed codes or anything, just post plain links as such: “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b002eR00lz”.  When you hit refresh it should show up as embedded and you can rock out at your leisure. If your link doesn’t pick up, an admin will try to help out.