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Good afternoon everybody and welcome to New York City…adjacent East Rutherford, New Jersey, for my Hacky Ass™ Roast of the New York Giants. That’s right, we’re doing a roast. Why? Because almost all team previews on comedy sites are roasts at heart, I’m going to cut the bullshit and just start insulting the players on my favorite team.
First off we have Eli Manning. Eli has the pedigree of Archie Manning, the career earnings of Peyton Manning, and the intimidation factor of Chelsea Manning. Where most quarterbacks eat game tape, Eli eats paint chips. Actually, I should be thanking you. Without your wild ass passes, we’d never truly know how talented Odell Beckham Jr really is. How do you have two Super Bowl MVP’s? I would have been less surprised to see Cooper Manning torch Tom Brady two times. Eli, how can you routinely beat Tom Brady, but still lose to Geno Smith? You’ve managed to last 14 seasons and win two Super Bowl MVP’s in New York, with a famous family, and still don’t deserve to make the Hall of Fame. That shouldn’t be possible. Forrest Gump thinks you’re a little dim and cannot make sense of your career.
Next up is Saquon Barkley. Saquon, welcome to New York. A lot of people said you should go number 1, but I think we all know that deep down, you’re glad you went number 2.
Hey look, not every child who attended a youth football camp at Penn State had trouble with Sandusky. Good to know we’re one third of the way to bringing back the next generation of Earth, Wind and Fire. Are you ready for some pootball, Saquon? A Monday night farty? I’m excited to watch all seven weeks of your career, before this janky ass offensive line grinds you into dust. Head on a swivel.
And here we have Mr. Pizza Party himself, Odell Beckham Jr. Odell is doing his best to live up to the name ODB. Hey, Dirty, try not to get knocked out by the kicking net this year. He’s one of the most exciting players in the game, and yet in four years he has tallied 4 catches in the playoffs. To this point Odell’s biggest accomplishments are making one of the ten greatest catches of all time, and not being Sammy Watkins. You’re one of the elite receivers in the game, but let Josh Norman say two words and suddenly you’re more easily triggered than Mike Pence at a pride parade.
This is Odell Beckham’s Spirit Animal whenever Josh Norman shakes his head
I don’t even care that you had fun on a boat that one time. I care that you wore Timbs on a boat. No wonder you catch everything, being so tacky and all. Odell, I both love you and wish that they’d taken Aaron Donald in the draft instead.
Evan Engram is exciting, but my man, this is the wrong team for you. You’re a Tight End who cannot block. Let’s be real, you’re a tall wide receiver. And on this team? My God, pick up an assignment, because the rest of your line sure as hell didn’t pick up theirs.
Erick Flowers is back…somehow. It looks like the only thing you can block is a roster spot. Somebody’s going to have to explain all of these jokes to Erick. It’s not that they’re going over his head. Nothing that taxing. These jokes are simply moving six inches to either side and running by untouched. Erick, tackle is your position, not something you’re supposed to facilitate. Lisa Ann denies more men in a season. And that’s not even getting into all the holding calls. Maybe I’m being unfair to you on that one though. I’m often told by the color man during a game that the ref could throw a flag for holding on every play with Erick Flowers.
Missing this year is Jason Pierre Paul. The Giants wanted to resign the defensive monster, but unfortunately they lost his digits as well.
But we do have Janoris Jenkins coming back. In the past year Janoris has recorded 3 interceptions, 2 touchdowns, and 1 star on Air BNB. He is the host with the ghosts. Here’s the Jackrabbit showing the league how you adjust to the new helmet rules
You'd think by watching the effort of this defense, that trying would LITERALLY kill them. Can't wait for the talking heads to tell everyone this team hasn't quit. pic.twitter.com/BvPLar1CzI
— PreSZN Ethan (@EthanGSN) November 12, 2017
How on earth did the Giants get roped into MetLife buying the naming rights to the stadium, when ADT was the obvious choice?
Eli Apple is here, but don’t worry, roasts are no big deal for a man who gets torched several times a week. Oftentimes they’ll say that an athlete is his own biggest critic, but in this case Eli’s biggest critic is clearly Landon Collins. At least once a week Landon Collins likes to fantasize about what his coach Nick Saban would have done with Eli Apple’s blown assignment. Urban Meyer would be faking a heart palpitation by week three of the preseason if he’d taken the Giants head coaching spot. If you were any more of a cancer on this team, Mark Herzlich would create a foundation to eliminate you.
As always the front office is led by MISTER John Mara. Upon firing his GM and head coach after a 2-10 start, he made sure to tell the media that one day both of these guys would be getting chances elsewhere and reporters would be asking him why they were fired. This is complete horseshit. If John fires you, it’s because he believes you are doomed forever. This guy holds onto his crappy GM’s and coaches more dearly than a middle aged man clutches his Bruce Springsteen albums. All it took for him to move on from Jerry Reese was 400 failed first and second round draft picks.
Now we’ve got David Gettleman. The new GM. A man who built the Panthers, so long as you don’t give credit for taking Cam Newton in the draft. The big selling point with David is that he knows the way around the Giants complex. Holy shit. This guy literally knows where all the different offices are. I know whenever I take a job, I make sure to study the floor plan. Long is the list of failed executives who have tried to make a simple trade only to be trapped by the Minotaur. He has of course defied all recent history by taking a running back with the 2nd pick in the draft. Thanks to the salary slotting of draft picks, you now have one of the most expensive running backs in the league. Are there any other holes that could have been filled with that kind of money? Well, your team went 3-13 last season, so clearly…no. No, that’s it. You were just one super back away from running away with the division. I’m sure Eli’s got a lot of years left in him. Thankfully you know that analytics are for nerds. Just the quality one wants out of their GM. Really though, I know that Odell has to love you. Not because is he about to get paid, but because you once got rid of Josh Norman.
Thankfully, the G-Men have finally moved on from the Ben McAdoo era. It’s uncanny, really. The Giants have let former coordinators go off and win 10 Super Bowls over the history of their franchise including such legendary coaches as Vince Lombardi, Tom Landry, Bill Belichick and Sean Payton. But they held onto Ben McAdoo, an “offensive guru” who finally settled the “Is Eli Manning an elite QB” debate once and for all. Ben McAdoo will of course be seen in three years as THE next Quarterbacks Coach for the Savannah State University Tigers, where the coaching staff gets paid in hot food.
Now the Giants, despite having a solid four weeks to scout for the next coach, in the biggest media market in the country, for the most stable of ownership groups, with the number two pick in a quarterback rich draft, and a chance to build a storied team in their image, did not get the coach they wanted. As coach after coach fell off the board, they eventually gave the gig to Matt Patricia…who said no. The fucking irony. So you do know the meaning of the word ‘no,’ Matt? Funny that. No, instead Matt saw a blue chip franchise, and passed that up to go to Detroit, the place where two of the most electrifying talents of the past 30 years just retried in their prime rather than continue suiting up for the fucking Lions. That was the more appealing option. Hey, Mister Mara, let me talk to you in your language: “SIR. Sir, what is the meaning of this? This…is completely…unsatisfactory. Do you understand, or do I have to take my business elsewhere? How do you plan to rectify this?” I didn’t even want Matt Patricia. I know damn well what happens to Belichick’s coaching tree once it leaves the compound. But being the safety school to Detroit? The Lions? Maaaaaaan.
Of course the Giants did not land a coach like Urban Meyer to replace Ben McAdoo. Don’t get me wrong, they did get somebody out of Ohio, just not the right program. I’m of course talking about Pat Shurmurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Sorry. I just nodded off there. Maybe I should be excited. After all, getting nine wins in just two season in Cleveland might be enough to go to the Hall of Fame. You’ve managed to go to the NFC Championship game with Case Keenum and still, nobody is excited about you. You could surf a 30 foot wave on a screen door, and would somehow still inspire no confidence as a swimmer. I listen to your pregame speeches to battle insomnia.
Lastly, we have our Worthless Fans. You Jersey ass, Blue Lives Matter unfrozen missing links. Every one of you are terrible. You are Jets fans with better luck. You’re still bitching about Matt Dodge, who was at worst, a really shitty punter. Fine. He sucked. He was around for one season, shitcanned, and then YOU WON THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL THE NEXT YEAR. Jesus Christ, get off the guy’s nuts, you fucking humps. You don’t get to play the long suffering card after you beat Tom Brady and Bill Belichick in back breaking fashion for the second time. On the other end of that spectrum, half of you celebrate titles that were won before you were born, as if that’s something you should care about. And not just the Super Bowls. Mention the four rings to half of you, and you start correcting “Well actually, there were eight championships,” as if anybody cares about pre-Super Bowl titles when the players played for the love of CTE so long as they could get time off from the mill. I’m sure there were some real electrifying variations on three yards and a cloud of dust going on. Every Sunday, I get down on my knees and thank God that the team put you in this soulless tin can in the middle of the Jersey Swamps where I can conveniently forget that you are the heart and soul of the team I grew up rooting for. My friends don’t even joke about taking a trip out to East Rutherford for a game. Patton Oswalt played you in a movie and somehow made the Eagle fan portrayed by Michael Rappaport the sympathetic figure. Let that sink in, and reflect on your life choices.
Anyway, I’m getting the light, so I’ll wrap things up. Now I know a lot of you are miffed that I’m roasting you. Generally speaking you only roast people who have agreed to be roasted, and this is more of an ambush. And for that I would be sorry. But then I didn’t sign up to watch you lose 13 games last year and push me closer toward soccer. This of it this way, I’d just spent five minutes torturing you guys. You’ll probably spend 16 weeks torturing me. Game one of the year features you going up against the coolest team in the league and I have to go into the opener feeling like Alice, putting on a happy face while thinking “I hate my life.”
Anyway, best of luck on your season and upcoming top ten draft pick.