Your “Batten Down The Hatches!” Sunday Morning NFL Football Open Thread

Meh. It’s sunny and warm here. TO THE GAMES!

Brownies/Saints:

He gone. Rumour has it Josh Gordon showed up to the Browns practice facility and was “not himself”. High. He was high. Funny thing, when I started doing these game intros I was told there would be no meth. smh.

Bolts/Bills:

Last week Buffalo was Nathan Peterman’s team. After the D gave up 369 yardos the brain trust decided that it should be Josh Allen’s team. Last week’s “I don’t think Allen is ready yet” morphed into “Gentlemen, after very careful consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that Josh Allen is ready-ish”.

Chefs/Stillers:

Both Pittsburgh corners are banged up and that’s not going to cut it vs. Mahomes & Co’s vertical, mid-field and short passing game. More bad news? Steelers defenders were flummoxed by Tire Rod’s jaunts out of the pocket last week and they meet up with another qb with the same ability to scramble.

Colts/’Dacteds:

The Architect didn’t exactly baby his arm last week after nearly 2 full years on the sideline. He completed 39 passes at a 74% rate for 300 yards. T.Y. Hilton looks forward to being fantasy-relevant again. (not really, he’s probably happy to have a competent signal-caller under center)

Fins/Jests:

Key to success for them Jerts? Keep Fanny Hill in 3rd and long sitchamucations-the only qb with worse numbers goes by the name of Bortles. Tons of interceptions? YES. I don’t throw around the word ‘retard’ very easily but I think the Jets long bout with irrelevance will be slightly retarded this year.

Iggles/Bucs:

The TB O that tossed 48 points onto the scoreboard last week vs. the Saints might just give Philly a bit of a headache. DeSean looks as though he’ll play which will open the field up for the likes of wr’s Evans and Godwin, te Howard and rb Barber. Looks as though Wentz is about two weeks away.

Panthers/Falcons:

Both teams are banged up as hell with the advantage going to Atlanta because they’ve got Tevin “No, it’s not Kevin, dammit!” Coleman starting in place of DeVonta. In this spot he usually gets 18-20 carries on top of his 6-7 targets in the passing game. He’s also good for a TD average-wise. Start that fella and don’t look back.

Texans/Titans:

Coach Vrabel said that both qb’s were going to play today. Huh? That shit never works. Thing is, no matter who is throwing the ball, they should have a great time against a Texans secondary that is signing kids off the street due to numerous injury issues.

Vikes/Pack:

The spinning eyeballs, the clipped speech-Rodgers post-game interview was one for the ages last week. He’s listed as questionable. Wait. Nope. He’s starting. Maybe. If he is this will be one hell of a game for the second week of the season.

Today’s games look good. You can make them even better by being your funny selves. Do it.

 

 

 

867
Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
433 Comment threads
434 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
35 Comment authors
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Waterthe Alpha and the AmoebaRedshirtSpanky DatassKing Hippo Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

YOU HAD A MINUTE LEFT AND TWO TIMEOUTS. GODDAMMIT. *sobs uncontrollably*

the Alpha and the Amoeba
the Alpha and the Amoeba

A tie after all that drama just feels…wrong. If we’d won I’d be ecstatic, if we’d lost i’d be despondent. Now I just feel confused and empty.

Redshirt

You gotta be shitting me! What gypsy put a curse on the NFL kickers?

the Alpha and the Amoeba
the Alpha and the Amoeba

Not all kickers, just Minnesota’s, and it’s not a new development.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Sweet!

King Hippo

YYYYYEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to the right! to the right!!!!

our goddess is appeased!!!!!!!!!!

Smithchez
Smithchez

SHANKS FOR THE SHANK GODS. BLEERGH FOR THE BLEERGH THRONE!!!!

Redshirt

“Due to NFL Rules, we must cut coverage from this exciting tie overtime game. In other news, NFL continues to wonder why rating continue to drop.”

King Hippo

RedZone is WAY more important than food.

Smithchez
Smithchez

Come on, Vikings, run down the clock and miss a field goal to please BLEERGH

King Hippo

the ppl demand a DRAW!!!

John Difool
John Difool

THIS CARLSON, I CALL HIM GRETCHEN ‘CAUSE HIS LEGS AINT GONNA KEEP HIM EMPLOYED

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

It’s absolutely criminal that Dan Bailey is still on the market and I have to put up with this shit.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Lots of out of work or retired kickers going to be breaking out those resumes.

King Hippo

HAIL SHANK’LOR!!!!

fleshwound_NPG
fleshwound_NPG

andy reid choking the lead early…sound strategy!

Senor Weaselo

Roughing the kicker to seal it, live by BLEERGH die by BLEERGH I guess?

King Hippo

predictable roughing the kicker LMAO

theeWeeBabySeamus

At least Switzer didn’t get a chance for a return.
I still wanna punch that little asshole.

theeWeeBabySeamus

THROW IT TO 84 YOU DAMNED IDIOT I DON’T EVEN CARE IF HE SCORES JUST DO THAT SHIT.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Meh, fuck it.

LemonJello
LemonJello

There’s that Stiller frustration, “so let’s get a little dirty in the pile” we all so used to seeing..

King Hippo

GB and Minny now need to Draw, obvs

/32-32

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shit. Dammit Yinzburgh, now I gotta root for Dreamboat to bail my ass out.

Assholes.

King Hippo

Chefs will have to punt, but that’s basically it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yep.

King Hippo

A Mahomes naked bootleg would be magical.

King Hippo

GO KHUNT GO!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

If I had a nickel for every time….

Oh, never mind.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Are we going to get another demonstration from the Andy Reid Clock Mismanagement School?

Senor Weaselo

Oh you think we ain’t gon mismanage? Oh, we gon mismanage.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Chew, chew dat!

fleshwound_NPG
fleshwound_NPG

So far, no!

John Difool
John Difool

The Vikings I are the best at icing a kicker….cause fuck I, they live on ice

King Hippo

ppl DO forget that

Redshirt

♪ With a SHANK, SHANK here / and a SHANK, SHANK there ♪

theeWeeBabySeamus

Golden Tate with a 4 yd reception.
I’m on the comeback trail!!!!!!!

Smithchez
Smithchez

ICE ICE MASON

Doktor Zymm

Nope. I will kill a bitch. And you don’t know my definition of bitch.

fleshwound_NPG
fleshwound_NPG

HARF HARF!

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

I know the Vikes are gonna shoot themselves in the dick but goddamn that was a thrilling drive.

Smithchez
Smithchez

Oh Jets, you couldn’t have just given me two weeks of hope, could you? Half a month really is too much to ask for.

Doktor Zymm

GO RED PANTS! BEAT YELLOW PANTS! (The power of yellow pants is diminished by the addition of stripe)

1 7 8 9