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"This site goes down so often we oughta change the name to “Dating Nancy Reagan”" – Horatio
We are on to Week 2. Lots of pretty enticing football action, eh?
I wouldn’t know; I watched ARI at RAMMIT. This looks to be a historically bad Cardinals season.
But enough about me! I hope you all used your extra day of rest to prepare for some big time Quotables action. So, with that said, let’s get to it.
Vontae Davis is always taking things so literally.
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Eli just had “The Talk” with his parents
Jovan Belcher ain’t gonna point back
I haven’t seen a jet go down like that since….
/sorry
…Namath’s last drink?
…Sanchez saw a 16 year old in a skirt?
Lights, camera, microphone?
“Whose drive-stopping timeout is that? CAUSE IT SURE THE FUCK AIN’T RUSSELL WILSON’S DRIVE-STOPPING TIMEOUT!”
This tendency to swerve into oncoming traffic is why I always make a point of not driving on the opposite side of the freeway from Sam Darnold.
“Awesome catch! Now run three consecutive long-developing pass plays that lead to sacks!” – Kyle Shanahan
If this had happened to Tom Brady, the punishment would have included a two game suspension. If it had happened to Cam Newton, it would have also included a two game suspension – but for Cam, for kicking the defender in the head.
“Ooh, shadow puppets! It’s a…dog? A duck? Man, I’m stumped.”
– Eli Manning
“That was pretty good but you threw it to the wrong team.” – Derek Carr
“Pete! John! Get me a new O-line! Hell, get me a new defense too! These idiots aren’t worthy of me!”
“*sigh* Quarterback of the future, Pete? You sure?”
“He can do no wrong, John.”
“Yo TAHHHHMYYYY! You could learn somethin’ from this play! No, not him – the receiver! HAHA!”
“Nick, your accent sucks. Can’t you throw batteries or something instead?”
Textbook example of Offensive pass interference.
Let me guess, he played basketballbaseball in highschool
Walked in on Archie and Olivia doing it
“And that’s where babies come from, Eli. …Eli? ELI?”
Maybe Coach can find time to solve the mystery of this phantasmagoric O-line he puts in front of me each week.
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THIS is the Manning with the better record against the P*ts.
“It was just a normal, every-down sack… until he whispered, ‘the tooth fairy is just your parents, Eli,’ in my ear at the end.”
Bill Gates prefers Clippy as the ELITE face of Microsoft
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Fudge, I’m going to need a lot more nanobubbles this season.
All talk and no action is NOT how you end up with enough Rivers children to man the next Ark
“SKOL!” he sputtered as he coughed up a lung.
I feel like there’s a marketing opportunity here.
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Nope, still no need for Butler.
What a Jagoff!
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/Watches form
/cums
/Performs 1,000,000 circumsicions as atonement
-T. Tebow
Eli wasn’t entirely sure what had happened “down there,” but his Spider-Man underoos were wet and his tummy felt like he had ridden the Scrambler too many times.
Yes, you can just feel the charm being slung
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Some men just like to watch the world burn
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“Abbie said that I have to put my wee-wee in her ho-hah if I want to have a little Eli.”
/Faints again
THIS CLAY MATTHEWS, I CALL HIM A FRUSTRATED ALABAMA UNCLE, CAUSE HE’S BLATANTLY TRYING TO FUCK COUSINS!
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Pictured: Rudy when told that black New Yorkers would be picking “America’s Next Mayor.”
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“I dedicate this throw to God and his promise to not drown you sinners again, you damn heathens and soddomites”
“HEY, DARNOLD!”
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“It’s full of stars!”
“Holy shit – what a bullet!!!”
– Philip Rivers
*humming tonelessly*
“Ground control to Major Joe, take your (unflavored) protein pill and put your helmet on…”
Sometimes I really don’t believe Ciara’s first pregnancy was from God, but I don’t wanna say anything or she won’t let me touch her boobies again. Man, this relationship stuff is HARD.
“NAWT FAYUH! OWNLY AH PLAYAHS CAN MAKE THOSE FACKIN’ WICKED CATCHES!
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