2018 Quotables – Week 2 (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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We are on to Week 2. Lots of pretty enticing football action, eh?

I wouldn’t know; I watched ARI at RAMMIT. This looks to be a historically bad Cardinals season.

But enough about me! I hope you all used your extra day of rest to prepare for some big time Quotables action. So, with that said, let’s get to it.


Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joseph Flacco prepares to bike home after a Thursday Night Football game against the Cincinnati Bengals.

 

If Kaep had this kind of throwing form he’d still be in the NFL.

I haven’t kept in touch with my ex wife but apparently she’s playing for the Chargers and bringing all her old antics to the field.

Little light on the helmet-to-chest action but still fun to watch.

Blake Bortles bomb beats Brady’s brunch buddy.

Never change, Eli.

Stupid rookie.

Presented without comment.
blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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Enrico PallazzoSharkbaitentropyBrettFavresColonoscopynomonkeyfun Recent comment authors
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Enrico Pallazzo

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Vontae Davis is always taking things so literally.

Sharkbait

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Eli just had “The Talk” with his parents

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Jovan Belcher ain’t gonna point back

Game Time Decision

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I haven’t seen a jet go down like that since….

/sorry

nomonkeyfun

…Namath’s last drink?
…Sanchez saw a 16 year old in a skirt?

Game Time Decision

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Lights, camera, microphone?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“Whose drive-stopping timeout is that? CAUSE IT SURE THE FUCK AIN’T RUSSELL WILSON’S DRIVE-STOPPING TIMEOUT!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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This tendency to swerve into oncoming traffic is why I always make a point of not driving on the opposite side of the freeway from Sam Darnold.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“Awesome catch! Now run three consecutive long-developing pass plays that lead to sacks!” – Kyle Shanahan

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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If this had happened to Tom Brady, the punishment would have included a two game suspension. If it had happened to Cam Newton, it would have also included a two game suspension – but for Cam, for kicking the defender in the head.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“Ooh, shadow puppets! It’s a…dog? A duck? Man, I’m stumped.”

– Eli Manning

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“That was pretty good but you threw it to the wrong team.” – Derek Carr

Petronel

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“Pete! John! Get me a new O-line! Hell, get me a new defense too! These idiots aren’t worthy of me!”
“*sigh* Quarterback of the future, Pete? You sure?”
“He can do no wrong, John.”

Petronel

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“Yo TAHHHHMYYYY! You could learn somethin’ from this play! No, not him – the receiver! HAHA!”

“Nick, your accent sucks. Can’t you throw batteries or something instead?”

Game Time Decision

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Textbook example of Offensive pass interference.

Game Time Decision

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Let me guess, he played basketballbaseball in highschool

Game Time Decision

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Walked in on Archie and Olivia doing it

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Petronel

“And that’s where babies come from, Eli. …Eli? ELI?”

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Maybe Coach can find time to solve the mystery of this phantasmagoric O-line he puts in front of me each week.

nomonkeyfun

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THIS is the Manning with the better record against the P*ts.

entropy

“It was just a normal, every-down sack… until he whispered, ‘the tooth fairy is just your parents, Eli,’ in my ear at the end.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Bill Gates prefers Clippy as the ELITE face of Microsoft

nomonkeyfun

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Fudge, I’m going to need a lot more nanobubbles this season.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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All talk and no action is NOT how you end up with enough Rivers children to man the next Ark

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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“SKOL!” he sputtered as he coughed up a lung.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like there’s a marketing opportunity here.
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nomonkeyfun

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Nope, still no need for Butler.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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What a Jagoff!

nomonkeyfun

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/Watches form
/cums
/Performs 1,000,000 circumsicions as atonement
-T. Tebow

LemonJello
LemonJello

Eli wasn’t entirely sure what had happened “down there,” but his Spider-Man underoos were wet and his tummy felt like he had ridden the Scrambler too many times.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Yes, you can just feel the charm being slung

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Some men just like to watch the world burn

nomonkeyfun

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“Abbie said that I have to put my wee-wee in her ho-hah if I want to have a little Eli.”
/Faints again

LemonJello
LemonJello

THIS CLAY MATTHEWS, I CALL HIM A FRUSTRATED ALABAMA UNCLE, CAUSE HE’S BLATANTLY TRYING TO FUCK COUSINS!

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SonOfSpam

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nomonkeyfun

Pictured: Rudy when told that black New Yorkers would be picking “America’s Next Mayor.”

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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“I dedicate this throw to God and his promise to not drown you sinners again, you damn heathens and soddomites”

LemonJello
LemonJello

“HEY, DARNOLD!”
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ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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“It’s full of stars!”

SonOfSpam

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“Holy shit – what a bullet!!!”

– Philip Rivers

LemonJello
LemonJello

*humming tonelessly*
“Ground control to Major Joe, take your (unflavored) protein pill and put your helmet on…”

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SonOfSpam

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Sometimes I really don’t believe Ciara’s first pregnancy was from God, but I don’t wanna say anything or she won’t let me touch her boobies again. Man, this relationship stuff is HARD.

LemonJello
LemonJello

“NAWT FAYUH! OWNLY AH PLAYAHS CAN MAKE THOSE FACKIN’ WICKED CATCHES!
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