EXT. OAKLAND RAIDERS SHARED HOUSE – DAY
Establishing shot and title card.
ANNOUNCER BETH MOWINS: That’s So Raiders [sic] is filmed in front of a light [sic] studio audience.
CUT TO – INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
KOLTON MILLER sits on the couch, munching from a big bag of cheese puffs. He looks up as a housemate steps into the room.
GAREON CONLEY: Hey big guy, how’s it going?
KOLTON MILLER: Good, good.
GAREON: Whatchu up to?
KOLTON: Just bulkin’ up. You watch the hearings yesterday?
GAREON: Yeah. Man I sure wish I had that many old white guys going to bat for me when I was accused of…
— [door flies open] —
DONALD PENN: Oh man you guys gotta help me!
KOLTON: What’s the matter?
DONALD: Okay, so you remember how I had that thing going with that exotic dancer in Florida?
GAREON: Miami, right?
KOLTON: I thought her name was Cartageña.
DONALD: Cartageña was her name, Miami was where she lived.
KOLTON: Oh, right, right.
GAREON: Which one was Miami?
DONALD: Miami is the one who lived in Fort Worth.
KOLTON: Okay, so what’s the problem.
DONALD: She’s pregnant!
GAREON: Who, Miami?
DONALD: No, Cartageña!
There is a certain type of pause.
GAREON: Um, no, Kolton, he’s not happy about it.
DONALD: [wailing] I can’t afford more child support payments!
KOLTON: Oh. Yeah. So what are you going to do?
DONALD: Well…I had an idea.
GAREON: Run it by us.
MARQUEL LEE: [coming into the room] Pretty sure he’s not one of our opponents’ running backs!
DONALD: Ha ha. Okay, so she’s really into smoothies, right? Like she drinks two or three a day. And I was thinking I could drop by place with one, and…have you guys heard or RU-486?
The room goes completely silent for a beat.
GAREON: Please tell me I misunderstood.
DONALD: No, see…
GAREON: Because what you’re implying is that you’d be administering an abortion pill to an unknowing subject.
DONALD: Right, but…
GAREON: And the moral implication of that is, well…
GAREON: Yeah, unthinkable, really. I mean we bust up on you all the time about all your little juggling act with all your girlfriends, but these are all single women, and you’re a single guy. And…well you always said you used protection…
DONALD: I did! I mean, I do! I mean, it broke!
GAREON: So what you’re talking about would be an absolutely savage betrayal of trust.
MARQUEL: Like, to not even talk about it, to just take unilateral action…
GAREON: …it makes a mockery of the idea of consent, which is something that as our elder you should be setting a decent example of. And then of course there’s the legal implications.
MARQUEL: Now we’re not lawyers, but…
— [door flies open] —
BENJARVUS GREEN-ELLIS: …maybe I can help. Okay, so what you’re talking about would effectively consist of a number of different crimes. First off is battery, then misuse of prescription drugs, then…where are you planning to get the RU-486?
DONALD: Well, I…
BENJARVUS: Actually, it doesn’t matter, because no matter where you did get it, it’d still fall under obtaining drugs under false pretenses. Now this would be in Florida, right?
BENJARVUS: So it’s not like a bible belt state like Arkansas or anything, and my bar certification doesn’t have reciprocity with Florida, but…I think you’d also run into some form of manslaughter regarding the fetus.
MARQUEL: And then conspiracy because he talked about it in advance with us?
BENJARVUS: We’re only liable if we actually take any action to further the crime. Of course, now that we’re all aware of it failure to report it would be misprision of a felony, so…
GAREON: [raises hand] I ain’t taking a fall for you, bro.
BENJARVUS: But that doesn’t even get into the question of a civil case. You think that owing money on child support would run you dry…you have no idea what kind of numbers you’d be staring at with the tort claims for intentional infliction of emotional distress, any kind of pain and suffering if there were medical complications associated with it…
— [door flies open] —
RODNEY HUDSON: And then beyond that, there’s the theological implications.
MARQUEL: This is true.
RODNEY: Donald, are you a Christian?
DONALD: I mean…
RODNEY: I should hope not. No matter what denomination you are, engaging in that kind of action is an irrevocably mortal sin. We’re talking eternal damnation. And not the basic kind of damnation, either, it would be a higher level of punishment.
MARQUEL: A lower circle, if we’re talking about Dante’s conception of hell.
RODNEY: Right, right. But either way, this isn’t “eating naught but burning hot coals…”
BENJARVUS: …and drinking naught but burning hot cola…
RODNEY: …and having fiery demons punch you in the back” territory. This would be along the lines of being slowly eaten alive by fetus-demons, in a process that takes all day, and waking up the next morning to simply go through it all again every day for the rest of eternity.
Everyone sits silently for a moment.
GAREON: But anyhow…that really wasn’t a very funny joke, Donald.
DONALD: I’m sorry, guys. I just thought we could all use a little cheering up after these last three weeks. Take our mind off football for a little bit, you know?
GAREON: Well, we appreciate that. Even if what you were talking about so was so unconscionable as to be devoid of all humor entirely.
MARQUEL: So what was the real problem, anyhow?
DONALD: Oh, my car won’t start. You guys got any jumper cables?