The Arizona Cardinals.
Look it, I hate this fucking franchise. Period. Full stop.
Arizona is loaded with bad sports teams but the Cardinals are the only team I actively despise. The Suns suck and have a trash owner but who can get invested in this lopsided of an NBA? The Coyotes also suck but, frankly, I don’t know why we even have a hockey team. Even when they were a post-season team, no one here cared. And the Diamondbacks, well, when Dodgers are rocking a $250,000,000.00 payroll, it’s hard to bother getting excited about any potential hardball success. Even ASU, yeah I’ll go rip on them any chance I get but there’s little to hate about just another underperforming PAC-12 member.
But I hate the Cardinals — and, yes, this is my own fault — because I care. Now, I thought quite a bit about this bye week update — which was actually the prior week but who cares — of the Cardinals (2-6, 3rd in the NFC West ahead of the now-surging 49ers on tiebreakers on account of SF is their only two wins) and I just want to first get their remaining schedule out of the way.
That’s getting their teeth kicked directly in by KC after the bye before securing their final win of the season at home against OAK. This team will finish 3-13. And that’s because the Location-Off Raiders are actually following an agenda, including owning five first-round picks in the next two years.
Arizona has no vision. As I explained in the team preview, “Arizona isn’t a phone-it-in 0-16 squad but no one should have to go very deep into the playbook to manage a two-score lead entering the 4th quarter of these games.” Well, it just happens that this played out in their losses:
Oh wait, I see I left off the Denver TNF debacle where the Broncos annihilated the Cardinals from the opening snap, returning two first quarter pick-sixes and lead at the end of the third quarter by 32 (final margin = 35 points). Point is, only the stumblingest bumblingest Bears were behind to Arizona entering a fourth quarter — and they still won the game.
At this point, you know all there is to know about this Cardinals team. Mike McCoy was a shit coordinator and, after waiting too long, he was fired. Sam Bradford was trash and was released this weekend. Head Coach Steve Wilks isn’t head coach material and roster genius Steve “Just hook it in my veins!” Keim has officially lost his sheen. Patrick Peterson wanted a trade but then said he didn’t, which is too bad because he needs out if he wants a worthwhile career. David Johnson has under 400 yards rushing at the midpoint of the season.
So Arizona sucks but they got talent. Which is what they sell every fucking year. Look at Chandler Jones! Look at young Josh Rosen (who will turn into nothing because the Cardinals don’t employ professionals who can develop young players)! Look at Patrick Peterson! Look at David Johnson! How about, instead, look at the 0ther 49 guys on the roster? How about looking at a coaching staff that cannot set up the team to convert a third down?
Here are the rankings the Cardinals are dead fucking last in:
Third Down Conversions (Total & Percent)
And they are second to last in:
Points Per Game
Passing Yards Per Game
There are actually more stats I could include but you get the point. This team sucks and they are exactly as previewed. Another trash year for a garbage franchise that is controlled by a complete dipshit who is more concerned with getting his rapist buddies in positions of political power than putting together a decent on-field product.
At this point, just pick this fucking franchise up and move it to L.A. because they’re a fucking a disgrace — and I mean to Arizona, which really says something.
Fuck you, Michael Bidwill. I’m not saying that I bet you are a fucking rapist too but I am moving along to point out that it would fit perfectly with the lying, conniving, immoral values that flow through the entire Bidwill family. You shitbag. Fuck this franchise. Fuck your bullshit local media types that are sent out to spew some “you know, the other team gets paid too” lines while your family business is only successful (in a profitability sense — you’ll never accomplish a Super Bowl victory) because of a carve out for the NFL monopoly. Any player who willingly goes out and dawns a Cardinals jersey deserves every symptom of CTE and a destroyed muscular/skeletal system they experience (Sorry Fitz — but you got that University of Phoenix degree to fall back on).
Michael Bidwill is a rotten human being and, make no mistake, this would be the exact case even if Arizona struck gold with this garbage roster, trash coaching staff, and uninspiring front office.
Okay, now this is starting to blur the line with my, “Michael Bidwill is very likely a rapist but definitely a horrible human being regardless” post so I’ll just wrap up this bye week post by saying this:
You’re not watching the Cardinals and, for that, kudos to all of you at [DFO].