Everything sucks, but nothing quite so much as Donks soon-to-be-ex-coach Vance Joseph.
Denver lost 19-17 to the 500s. OK, I can understand the result. But the how, and the complete, abject failure to learn from one’s prior stupidity…I just can’t even. I will be mad about this for WEEKS, and it has nothing to do with HAILGAMBLOR.
First, Joseph decides to attempt a 62+ yard FG near the end of the first half. KEY NOTE – near NOT at – something anyone but Joseph would factor into account, in a 3-point ballgame. McManus predictably misses, the 500s predictably hit 2 easy completions to the middle of the field (they had timeouts of course), boom, 16-10 halftime lead. After Joseph SMRTLY! ices the kicker (the iced attempt missed).
Now, fast forward to the end of the game. Denver fought and clawed to stay in it, converting 2 4th down plays including an incredible throw and catch to Sanders around the Houston 40. After picking up like 5 yards on 1st down to get into reasonable FG range…Joseph sits on it. SERIOUSLY. Takes the clock all the way down, hands off up the middle, calls timeout with 3 ticks to play. DOESN’T EVEN TRY TO GET CLOSER THAN 51 YARDS. I don’t care if you are at altitude, that’s not a gimme – more like a 50/50 shot at best. 5-10 more yards would increase your chances dramatically. Everyone in the League (now that Hue is fired) would TRY – but NOT OUR VANCE! Predictably, he misses again, game over.
And of course, as everyone knows, RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! lost, after they reacted very poorly to a bad replay decision (on a fake FG run) in the first half. A 35-17 hole was just too deep, even if they did eventually tie it. I applaud how they fought back, and how Goff played. But it will be key for them to have home field advantage if they play Breesus again, and hopefully next time they don’t punt on 4th down, down 3 with under 4 to play. I don’t care where you are on the field, against Brees, that’s a death sentence. Also not as fun to watch as advertised, fitting the weekend theme.
Elsewhere, Mahomes-y continued his terrorizing of the AFC, stomping #ThePauls 37-21. The most fun part of this game is that Believeland got to 21 by going for 2 THREE FUCKING TIMES…and never making it.
Sam Darnold went to Miami, and the humid air didn’t clear up his Touch of Downs. 4 picks, including one taken back for a score in a shittastic 13-6 match. Whoever watched this all the way through deserves a medal.
Speaking of stupid QBs…Fat Stafford stood aimlessly in the pocket all day, allowing Minny to set a franchise record with TEN sacks. 24-9 was your final, and that flatters the Cuck Lions, and is really thanks solely to Captain Dingleberry being hisself.
Rise up! Our Black Panthers are shit hot, moving to 6-2 with a 42-28 win over BloodSugarFitzMagic. Though they did make it interesting, coughing up 75% of a 35-7 first half lead. Still, whoever plays the #1 WC will be shitting their pants.
Shitting their pants? The Redacteds, who got housed by the stupid Falcons. So much so that even Julio Jones got into the end zone. Tiny Hands was bad, aside from hitting AP in the balls/taint area with a pass.
Balmer continued its downward spiral, losing 23-16 to the Yinzers and failing to kill The Ben in the process. Nothing good came out of this day.
Oh, I guess maybe the Bearistocrats! absolutely pounding the fuck out of Buffalo was somewhat enjoyable. J Peterman is who we thought he was, to absolutely nobody’s surprise.
The SeaTruthers were awful, but had an untimed down from the Shitty Clippers’ 1 to send things to OT (with a 2-point conversion also needed). Of course, Petey wanted a complex pass play, they false started, then dropped the pass from the 6. This game was just awful.
Speaking of awful, I have money on true Greatest QB of All Times Aaron Rodgers at the Massholes, so I apologize in advance for ensuring the P*ts win and associated Dreamboat dry humping. I have no desire to stay up later, or edit this draft to cover the result, so I will not. FUCK OFF, 4 November.
Vote on Tuesday, if you haven’t done so already. Preferably for non-fascists, but you be you.
As expected, Caleb Sturgis has been cut by the Chargers.
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap3000000984898/article/chargers-cut-caleb-sturgis-after-three-botched-kicks
I like to think that the Chargers just left his ass in Seattle.
The funny thing about Darnold’s 4 picks is that it easily should have been 7 picks. I’m talking there were 3 times the ball hit the DBs in the hands and they had mostly green ahead of them and then the ball hit the ground.
after this weekend, i propose to change it from Fat Stafford to Matt Sackford or Fat Sackford. Thoughts?
Fat Sackford…oh, that’s good.
Fat Sackford!!
Oh it’s definitely Fat Sackford!
Matt Sackfat
Fat Sackford!
His name is Fat Sackford.
Because of life complications, I barely watched any football yesterday.
However, I did just check in on the FF scores. And yes, I went to my 7th straight loss, as expected.
But I didn’t just lose. Brocky downright crushed my ass.
Brocky: 175.30
tWBS: 87.96
I mean that’s fucking embarrassing. HOW THE HELL DO YOU SCORE 175 IN THIS TYPE OF LEAGUE?
And if he’d started Breesus instead of TruthBiscuit, he’d have been pushing 200.
Holy shit. Screw you guys, I’m going home.
Don’t worry, I’ve got the basement covered.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClyIvwVjPj0
Twas a good day for GAMBLOR yesterday. Regular fantasy football is dead to me for this season.
If you could redraft right now, what round would Mahomes go? Tarik Cohen?
The Trivago guy looks and sounds like a human cigarette ash, and should be fired.
Over/Under on races that will go to recount tomorrow night? 4.5?
Put Alvin Kamara behind DAK and watch those gaudy stats shrivel up like a dick in a pool.
Gurley still #1 overall, I would be hard-pressed not to take Mahomes-y next.
My name is Senor Weaselo and I approve this message of drafting Gurley first.
I had another one of them dizzy spells where I can’t keep my vision from spinning until/unless I go to sleep, guess I shall have to go back to the neurologist I am annoyed with.
On the plus side, this caused me to skip the SNF match in its entirety. Not just for column writing!
You got one of them doctors you can be completely honest with?
I like my primary care (a female PA which is the best combo, but she no like messing with brain stuff). Never trust a doctor 100% though.
The commentists need to stop falling apart.
If only there was a choice.
found a funny:
:large
I love xmas ape!
Wayne Brady & The Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes is a match made in fucking heaven.
Week Nein feels like the perfect celebration for the crescendo of the GOP’s 2018 campaign season.
Which bird is he flipping there? Is that the old “east coast”? Thumb out, knuckles in a wedge formation?
The only one he could get into her without his arm getting stuck. Instead of “the shocker”, he calls it, “the Galaga”.
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The Browns need to hire a kicker already. There may not be a huge amount of talent out there, but they could at least find some college kid who can kick an extra point. Hell, I bet most of us would give it a go for league minimum. Only at away games though, I don’t want to have to go to Cleveland.
You’d come on for the league minimum and GREGGGGGGGGG would immediately call for a fake where the placer tosses the ball up and you run it right at the pile. On the board, the blockers create a huge hole and you walk it in. In reality, you’re dead.
I’m pretty accurate within 30 yards. Give me until opening day and with NFL training* and I’m sure I could be more accurate than what they have now
*Meaning, a good chemist
Sam Darnold really fuckin is Mark Sanchez 2.0. Sanchez, at least, had some people to throw to and an offensive line that was damn good (giving us the impression he didn’t really suck until his third season), but Darnold does the same shit: a handful of plays every game where you start to buy into his bullshit, and then the cold, hard reality of how inept he truly is slaps you in the face with an INT. And then another one. And one after that. And then, if the Jets aren’t down an insurmountable amount (like say, two points) he’ll throw one more because you have better things to do on a Sunday afternoon than root for the god damn Jets.
Note: I withhold the right to rescind this opinion should the Jets obtain a capable o-line and receivers who understand the object of their routes is to gain separation from their defenders and not to hold their hands, skipping downfield, until they are forced to part at the closing whistle.
Wait wait wait wait wait. I mean…..just hold on there.
THIS GUY ISN’T THE SECOND COMING OF JOE MONTANA?
To be perfectly honest, I’m not even sure he’s a full release of Mark Sanchez. He may just be Sanchez 1.2, a semi-decent upgrade that fixes a few issues, but exposes a whole hell of a lot more.
While Sanchez attracted the barely legal crowd, what kind of woman gets wet at the sight of Darnold?
Maybe this old woman in her fur coat?
How many years you put in so far? This is my 40th season rooting for this dogshit franchise. There is no season. Ever. It’s just a series of one game seasons. Most of which, we lose. I recently switched to a New York Rangers cap because I don’t feel like talking about it anymore. I actively try to avoid Johnson & Johnson products, which is harder than you’d think. I feel sorry for players who get drafted by this team, which is operating under the delusion that if they lay low, save cap money, and wait for that darned Tom Brady to retire: POOF! Instant contender! I’m gonna go be ambassador to England or something BYYYYEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Fuck them. They should be contracted. It’s the only form of closure I’ll ever get from this miserable failure of a franchise. Becoming a Jet fan is like contracting herpes. I wish I was dead.
This is delightful hate.
Big Hate.
3M adhesive bandages are far superior to Johnson & Johnson. I’ve said this before.
This hate was just contracted by the RNC and wonders if it can record some robocalls for the Georgia & Florida governor’s races.
cotton pickin’ good!
He was an interception machine in college with, you know, mostly Pac-12 defenses trying to stop him. Even my kid said to me yesterday, in a voice dripping with sarcasm, “Darnold threw four picks today. How surprising.”
Just following the fine tradition of USC QBs.
That list is superb.
Had the door open to let in the beautiful Novembre day while football was on and the blaxito was up yesterday (don’t worry, screen was locked). Clipboard dude came to the door and asked if we had or were going to vote. I told him we’d already mailed back our ballots. Then he asked how we voted. Which I thought was an odd question considering, you know, EVERYTHING is on the ballot. Judges? Voted to toss them all. Anti dark money proposition with a big fat poison pill settled in the middle? No. Chick for Senate? Sure — but don’t tell me either of them knows jack about JV footy.
I figure most people probably vote a pretty straight ticket so maybe that’s why he just asks it that way. But I just told him I wasn’t sharing that information. He seemed a little surprised by the response so I followed up, “Yeah, just too many crazies out there. Not you, I’m sure, but we’ll just leave it at, ‘we voted’.”
McSally’s jeans looks like they’re concealing a foldout cement chute.
I’m high.
Lemme guess, the bi gal wants to have it both ways smh
You know, I haven’t heard from one person who has banged her.
I think she’s non-sexual. Which McSally probably doesn’t mention because that would give Sinema the Evangelical Housewife vote.
Perhaps she’s just…really, really picky!
What is it with Pete Carroll and his aversion to running from the 1?!? Will the fucker ever learn?
Run from the 1? That’s just what teh Zionists WANT!!
Steel beams are softer than goal line stands.
Really surprised Trump hasn’t accused the WTC of being built with FOREIGN steel that actually wasn’t as strong as advertised. This would feed both the FORIEGN IS BAD (except suits) and LOOSE CHANGE conspiracies.