Hello folks. This is Nathan Peterman, improbable NFL quarterback, and I’m here to talk about today’s election. I know a lot of you have been hearing all about the midterms and what they mean for this great country. And yet statistically speaking, only 40% of American’s vote during these midterms. And I know all about bad statistics.
I’m sure a good number of you out there are saying, “But Nathan, what do I have to worry about? I’m a straight, white, Christian male living in Trump’s America. Life is pretty dang sweet.” Well I want you to remember who is out there voting. People who want to take your job because they have “more talent” or “a better grasp of the game” or “don’t currently have a 1:7 TD/INT ratio” or “had a double digit QBR when they last played” or “aren’t the worst quarterback of all time.” I could go on and on. But what a lot of these people don’t get is that sometimes things are bigger than who produces more or say, who wins more football games. Like, as a hypothetical who would you rather have out there representing your team? A guy who helped lead a team to a Conference championship and a trip to the Super Bowl, or a guy who knows to stand for the National Anthem? Do you want some millionaire filming “look at me” ads for a shoe company, or a guy who does not challenge the status quo? A guy who kisses his tatted up biceps, or a man who has a good relationship with his barber? Look at this haircut. That’s your hair. That’s hair you understand. Hair you trust. Hair that you’d send on a date with your daughter.
Am I the best quarterback in the game? Probably not. But I’ve got a job. What about you? Are you the best at whatever the hell you do right now? I bet you aren’t. I bet you’re a regular ol’ Nathan Peterman in the board room, straight up faking it through a couple of emails, just trying to get through the morning to your lunch break without costing the company thousands of dollars. You think there isn’t somebody better out there, just itching to take what you’ve got? Well there is. Believe me, that person is out there, and they would fucking smoke you in a one to one comparison. You feel like just letting them take what’s yours? The goddamn hell you do.
And now I’d like for you to meet just a few of the candidates who need your vote, so right now I’m going to pass it to Barbara Comstock
Jennifer Wexton: Hello everybody, this is Jennifer Wexton, for the Democrats, and with you’re help we’re going to beat Barbara Comstock’s ass. Because Virginia’s 10 district doesn’t need more of Trump. WOOOOOOO
Damn it. Okay, redo.
Okay, there’s um. Florida. In the state of Florida, voters have a clear choice to make regarding their next governor, which is why I am going to pass it to Ron DeSantis who…
Andrew Gillum: Look, Ron DeSantis is a fucking racist. Also this…
…is thirsty as fuck. Good lord. And that’s why we’re gonna win this goddamn election. Thank you, Florida. YEAAAAH.
God fucking damn in. Where do these motherfuckers keep coming from. Okay, do over? That cool? Okay, Paul? Paul Goser, you there?
Okay, I’m just going to stare you down this entire time, and if I see anybody gettin near-
Wait, who the fuck are you.
Tim: Dude, it’s cool. I’m Tim Gosar.
Oh. Oh thank God. Alright. Folks I’m going to pass it to Paul Gosar
MOTHERFUCKER! Piece of shit ad coming out of thin air
Paul Gosar: Bro, it’s cool. I’m definitely winning today.
I don’t care. I’m sick of this shit. Every time I try to get a thing to one person, somebody else shows up and takes it away. It’s bullshit.
Look, if you give a shit about preserving your right to fall upwards time and time again, to coast on poor results, to preserve your God given right to thrive on mediocrity, then stop the Blue Wave from taking over the House. Protect Trump’s agenda. Nathan Petermans of the world unite. We don’t need our jobs going to shifty, SJW globalists who change their last names as children. We need to remember who we are and what America stands for.
But we’re not going to lose this gig. We’ve got too much at stake. I know I do. Fivethirtyeight gives the Democrats a 6 in 7 chance of winning the House of Representatives. But who ever thought I’d still be playing in the NFL? A person who in four career starts has thrown for 336 yards, one touchdown and 10 interceptions. And yet here I am. And here you are. Never forget that, and don’t forget to vote, because we’re all Nathan Peterman, and today we are going to be witness as the Democrats take it to the house!
WAIT. FUCK. No, not the Democrats. That’s not what I meant.
Can I get a mulligan on that one? One more shot?