Nathan Peterman’s Message To America

Ian Scott McCormick

Ian Scott McCormick

Ian is a New Yorker, a father, a husband, a sports fan, and widely acknowledged to be the best rapper in the game.
Ian Scott McCormick

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Hello folks. This is Nathan Peterman, improbable NFL quarterback, and I’m here to talk about today’s election. I know a lot of you have been hearing all about the midterms and what they mean for this great country. And yet statistically speaking, only 40% of American’s vote during these midterms. And I know all about bad statistics.

I’m sure a good number of you out there are saying, “But Nathan, what do I have to worry about? I’m a straight, white, Christian male living in Trump’s America. Life is pretty dang sweet.” Well I want you to remember who is out there voting. People who want to take your job because they have “more talent” or “a better grasp of the game” or “don’t currently have a 1:7 TD/INT ratio” or “had a double digit QBR when they last played” or “aren’t the worst quarterback of all time.” I could go on and on. But what a lot of these people don’t get is that sometimes things are bigger than who produces more or say, who wins more football games. Like, as a hypothetical who would you rather have out there representing your team? A guy who helped lead a team to a Conference championship and a trip to the Super Bowl, or a guy who knows to stand for the National Anthem? Do you want some millionaire filming “look at me” ads for a shoe company, or a guy who does not challenge the status quo? A guy who kisses his tatted up biceps, or a man who has a good relationship with his barber? Look at this haircut. That’s your hair. That’s hair you understand. Hair you trust. Hair that you’d send on a date with your daughter.

Am I the best quarterback in the game? Probably not. But I’ve got a job. What about you? Are you the best at whatever the hell you do right now? I bet you aren’t. I bet you’re a regular ol’ Nathan Peterman in the board room, straight up faking it through a couple of emails, just trying to get through the morning to your lunch break without costing the company thousands of dollars. You think there isn’t somebody better out there, just itching to take what you’ve got? Well there is. Believe me, that person is out there, and they would fucking smoke you in a one to one comparison. You feel like just letting them take what’s yours? The goddamn hell you do.

And now I’d like for you to meet just a few of the candidates who need your vote, so right now I’m going to pass it to Barbara Comstock

Jennifer Wexton: Hello everybody, this is Jennifer Wexton, for the Democrats, and with you’re help we’re going to beat Barbara Comstock’s ass. Because Virginia’s 10 district doesn’t need more of Trump. WOOOOOOO

Damn it. Okay, redo.

Okay, there’s um. Florida. In the state of Florida, voters have a clear choice to make regarding their next governor, which is why I am going to pass it to Ron DeSantis who…

Andrew Gillum: Look, Ron DeSantis is a fucking racist. Also this…

…is thirsty as fuck. Good lord. And that’s why we’re gonna win this goddamn election. Thank you, Florida. YEAAAAH.

God fucking damn in. Where do these motherfuckers keep coming from. Okay, do over? That cool? Okay, Paul? Paul Goser, you there?

Okay, I’m just going to stare you down this entire time, and if I see anybody gettin near-

Who are you? Who the fuck are you-

Wait, who the fuck are you.

Tim: Dude, it’s cool. I’m Tim Gosar.

Oh. Oh thank God. Alright. Folks I’m going to pass it to Paul Gosar

MOTHERFUCKER! Piece of shit ad coming out of thin air

Paul Gosar: Bro, it’s cool. I’m definitely winning today.

I don’t care. I’m sick of this shit. Every time I try to get a thing to one person, somebody else shows up and takes it away. It’s bullshit.

Look, if you give a shit about preserving your right to fall upwards time and time again, to coast on poor results, to preserve your God given right to thrive on mediocrity, then stop the Blue Wave from taking over the House. Protect Trump’s agenda. Nathan Petermans of the world unite. We don’t need our jobs going to shifty, SJW globalists who change their last names as children. We need to remember who we are and what America stands for.

But we’re not going to lose this gig. We’ve got too much at stake. I know I do. Fivethirtyeight gives the Democrats a 6 in 7 chance of winning the House of Representatives. But who ever thought I’d still be playing in the NFL? A person who in four career starts has thrown for 336 yards, one touchdown and 10 interceptions. And yet here I am. And here you are. Never forget that, and don’t forget to vote, because we’re all Nathan Peterman, and today we are going to be witness as the Democrats take it to the house!

WAIT. FUCK. No, not the Democrats. That’s not what I meant.

Can I get a mulligan on that one? One more shot?

Please.

Ian Scott McCormick
Ian Scott McCormick
Ian is a New Yorker, a father, a husband, a sports fan, and widely acknowledged to be the best rapper in the game.
https://ianscottmccormick.com/
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LemonJelloWakezillaMoose -The End Is Well NighblaxabbathKing Hippo Recent comment authors
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Wakezilla

Race to watch: former CIA operative and Democratic rising star Elissa Slotkin hopes her experience advising George W. Bush on the Iraq War will propel her to victory in Michigan’s 8th congressional district. You truly cannot make this shit up

LemonJello
LemonJello

Well…
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King Hippo
blaxabbath

#NoosesForTraitors

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I got noose for you, fella.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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“When the cat fight does not result in the towel being ripped off.”

Wakezilla

On the plus side, history shows the Dems should win today. On the downside, there’s still a lot of pissed off white supremacists and the Democrats are essentially run by Hue Jackson.

This one is going into OT.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Oh god. The Democrats really are the Browns aren’t they

blaxabbath

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ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Excellent work, definitely needed the laugh! I realized today that this election is what has been making me sick to my stomach for the last few days, now that I have voted, the weight is off and I have relieved myself of that pressure. Now to only look at cute kitty and fluffy bunny videos till late tomorrow evening.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

THIS NATHAN PETERMAN I CALL HIM THE ANTI-KATHERINE HARRIS BECAUSE RATHER THAN STEALING ELECTIONS HE’S STRAIGHT UP GIVING THEM AWAY

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Please don’t fuck this up Democrats.

LemonJello
LemonJello

“I’m not touching this one.”
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I have made a pledge to the universe that if the Democrats retake the House, I won’t drink until the day before Thanksgiving. If they take the Senate, I won’t drink for the rest of the year. I’m 100% serious.

As a good faith gesture, I haven’t had anything to drink all week, including during the Raiders’ complete humiliation in front of the entire country on Thursday night. I don’t think. I don’t remember much about that evening.

Game Time Decision

have the shakes kicked in yet?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sort of, yeah.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll drink your share in celebration

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

RTD, artist’s conception:
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“It’s not drinking if it doesn’t go in the mouth!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“It’s butt seks!”

-DFO

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

So I get this “invoice” from Sunshine Web Hosting Services. It’s a scam that is supposed to look like an invoice and, if you’re dumb enough to send them your money, then you’re dumb. So I call the number on the invoice and it sends me to their answering service in FL. Their script says, “it was a solicitation sent in error.” Which makes no sense.

Anyways, I’ve called back about six time, each call berating the operator about working for a scam company and that, if they could just get me in touch with the actual bosses running this thing, I’ll address getting off their list with them so the operator can get back to scamming senior citizens so they can have something to brag to their families about their careers over the holidays.

Now I just get a busy signal when I call. I assume they’ve blocked me; is there a way around this? I’ve got a lot of downloading to do today and harassing these people into quitting or killing themselves is kind of how I’d like to spend my free time because checking election news can be draining.

ballsofsteelandfury

Paging tWBS…

Game Time Decision

can you block your number going out? That may work

blaxabbath

Well, I want it to come from my number. I feel like it adds insult to….the insults I am hurling at them.

Game Time Decision

They are probably using VOIP so the number you were calling may no longer be active.

blaxabbath

They are a phone answering service so I assume they have many companies. I think I’m just blocked. Guess I’ll download an app and call from there.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Burner phone?

nomonkeyfun

Every time I try to get a thing to one person, somebody else shows up and takes it away.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Yes, that was the line.