Titans @ Texans – Monday Night Existential Open Thread

The last Monday Night game was the Chefs 51 – 54 RAMMMITTT! thriller that caused as much excitement as unease. Can that game be topped? Is the NFL becoming the Arena league? Does the present game meet the quota for violence required by longtime NFL fans? These are complicated issues that seem waaaay over the head of this game, as both teams are very behind the curve. Why even bother th–

 [Everybody: Fantasy! Drank! Fuck U care! ESCAPE!!! Under under under!

 OK OK. But if you need an excuse to drink, can you call yourself a reprobate? Hey, I’m not judging. Being a square is kewl now, handsome. 

The Titans are “Whatever” personified, unable to even enthuse the Sunday Ticket programmers to even DO THEIR DAMN JOB (see banner). Tennessee is 5-5 and has already logged losses against the Dolphins, Ravens, Real Chargers FC, and the suddenly coalescing Clots (6-5). So it’s either winning the AFC South or bust for the Tits. The dread is real and moves only in select circles: Vanderbilt fans in Tennessee, recalcitrant Oiler fans in Houston, and a handful of cheery nihilists around the world—all hanging on whether WR Taywan Taylor’s spaghetti hands are questionable or doubtful. The more modest the hope, the more tempting the “Fuck everything” becomes.

The Texans have been billed as an imaginary construct. But I know for a fact that they are covered by the Houston Chronicle’s John McClain, who is still stumping for Oiler player to make the Hall of Fame. (Essence precedes existence, bitches!) Truth is, I don’t hate the Texans—never have. They beat the Cowboys in their inaugural game and produced a trove of PTSD research through David Carr’s career. The Texans may be proven playoff fodder, at best, but they have DeAndre Hopkins. DeAndre Hopkins, of course, is a freakin’ beast.

DeAngelo Hall messed with DeAndre Hopkins in a preseason scrimmage. DeAndre Hopkins broke his ankle, then his spirit. DeShaun Watson ain’t bad either; he was an electric player last season until his knee injury, and has regained his form in strong games against Miami and Denver in Weeks 8 & 9. Watson had a bad game against the Redacteds last week, and the addition of WR Demarius Thomas to fill the absence of Will Fuller helps. Still, slinging it up there in double coverage to DeAndre Hopkins is not a bad strategy. Houston has a 7-game winning streak—now THAT I can hate.  You ain’t that good, Houston. Your OL sucks and secondary will–ah, who am I kidding. 

The Titans, dammit, are capable of producing any possible outcome. Beat on the Pats! Get smoked by Baltimore! WR Corey Davis has shown returns expected from the 5^th pick in 2017’s draft, but he’s been equally likely to disappear altogether from games. The consistent stuff: RB Derrick Henry is verified Fantasy poison and CB Malcolm Butler has been feasted on like non-vegan options at a barbecue. The team goes as Marcus Mariota goes. He’s either a 4th Quarter assassin, or the guy lying on the board of the Operation game. Mariota injured his neck last game in Indy (not his nerve damaged elbow / throwing hand WOO!). Mariota’s good to go, and but the fear of Blaine Gabbert putting on his helmet is real. It’s goddamn disgusting that the Kaep stuff has been so long on the “He’s not gonna get signed, why even think about him” stage. Well, fuck that shit: the Titans are goddamn cowards for not even having a look. Fuck them and fuck this imposed resignation crap.

On the brighter side, TEN Defensive Coordinator Dean Pees has been cleared to coach tonight. He suffered a “medical issue” in the 2nd QRT at Indy last week, which some speculated was a mini stroke. Which would’ve been a nod to the deceased asshole Bob McNair. McNair fired Gary Kubiak as Texans HC for having the temerity to require leave after a stroke. A society cannot be considered free if it’s expected to respect the dead, even assholes who deserve a thorough roasting. My sole regret is that McNair will miss Bad Bunny as the halftime entertainment. Bad Bunny, of course, is the Puerto Rican trap star, who sings only in Spanish, and serenaded / disgusted everyone watching the Macy’s Day Parade. He was on the Sour Patch Kids float, among with many preschoolers. When he said cabrón, and nobody had any idea, well, that was beautiful AND seditious.

Go chaos!