Let’s just run down the rest of the second round results before we get to today’s Saucy 16 action. Of course, the Saucy 16 is sponsored by Senor’s House of Pain: New episodes coming this April!

Fuck, we’ve already gone corporate. Welp, let’s get through these. First the SHAN’KHOR Regional’s results.

1. “Man, I LOVE the old touchdown, tv timeout, kickof [sic], tv timeout routine. Really gets my nipples hard for more hot NFL action when my team sucks, the commissioner is fining someone for special cleats, a star player beat his pregnant girlfriend, my favorite former player blows his fucking brain out due to CTE, and I’m not sure if I can keep supporting this sport. That’s what keeps me going, the excitement of a touchdown and a kickoff broken up by several commercials for dick drugs, cars, and fascism.” beats 9. “I haven’t seen a running back taken this high since Ricky Williams got a ride to the airport.” 21-17

4. “I see they’re honoring Joe Paterno’s 50th anniversary of the first game he coached. To start the game, they will have 40 years worth of moments of silence.” beats 12. “Ok, I’m embarrassed. This whole time I thought ‘calamistrum’ was a thing I was supposed to do for my wife on our anniversary but I was too tired and she was kinda pissed.” 25-12

14. “MLS? Is that like Lou Gehrig’s Disease? I’m glad these people are getting better though, let’s keep hoping for a cure.” beats 6. “Hey England, just like went Dad went out for smokes, the World Cup ain’t coming home.” 18-17

2. “I haven’t seen a khunt debut like this since Traci Lords’s 14th birthday!” beats 7. “For driving through Arizona that quickly, Sheriff Joe Arpaio just asked to see Jimmy Garoppalo’s papers.” 26-10

If that 36th voter in the 2-7 matchup had voted, and voted for the 6 seed, we would have had our first tie of the tournament. So thanks, whoever that was, for making my job slightly easier! Anyway, the BOLTMAN Regional:

9. “‘Punch and Pie’ perfectly encapsulates Johnny Manziel’s philosophy on dating.” beats 16. “THESE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS I CALL THEM ROBERT MULDOON, BECAUSE THEY GOT EATEN ALIVE BY THE RAPTORS.” 27-9

Well, fine, only ONE 16-seed makes it to the Saucy 16.

13. “I haven’t seen a group of Saudis go down in flames like this since 9/11” beats 5. “No problem.… I’m a Bengals fan, Buckeyes fan, and Moderate Republican. I’m used to be taken in the backdoor.” 26-9

3. “Wow, free porn?!?!?!? Are they also giving away a free email address and 40 hours of AOL?” beats 11. “I’ve got Rivers on the bench for FF, which just goes to show you that, like Rivers himself, you should never pull him out.” 18-14

10. “I haven’t been this anxious for a period to start since a broken condom scare junior year of high school.” beats 2. “I’ll take one poster, a beer coozy, a bottle opener, and a pack of HRTN condoms – because nothing says ‘appropriate DFO branding’ like a condom named ‘Hard Ride to Nowhere.’” 22-10

And with that the full remaining field is set. There are a couple people with two entrants left, but nobody has more than two. I don’t know if that is still the case after yesterday’s results, since obviously I don’t know those results while I’m writing today’s posts. But here are the GAMBLOR semis.

Does the winner of the region get to take a neon talon? I have no idea! You know what to do!