The New York Knicks Offseason: How You Doin’?

Ian Scott McCormick

Ian Scott McCormick

Ian is a New Yorker, a father, a husband, a sports fan. He covers a variety of subjects but really only appreciates burgers and cola.
Ian Scott McCormick

The NBA is crazy. A lot of people are talking about the upstart Brooklyn Nets, but those who know this city know the one undeniable truth that beats throughout the basketball knowers veins in the Large McIntosh: The New York Knicks own this city. It’s a fact. Don’t give me some flash in the pan story about the cuddly team in the Barclays Center. When we’re talking about the hearts and minds of the passionate followers, there is only one team.

How did they do last year? In the words of Mad Men “Bob, it’s not going great.”

Or is it? See, as the refrain goes, you either want to be the absolute best or the absolute worst in the NBA. Mediocrity only breeds mediocrity, and if you ever want to rise from the ashes, the first step is to burn it all down. It would be the draft to end all drafts, and it would be the free agent class to end all free agent classes. The path to greatness was right there. A blind man could see it, a deaf man could hear it, and a Russian could taste it. Stick to the plan. We now review that plan. Was it a success or a “Knicks success”? Let’s analyze together, shall we?

-Get rid of Kristaps Porzingis

Unmitigated success. He’s gone, and the Knicks suddenly have lots of cap space. This is key because they would need it to sign two max salary free agents. An absolute must for any team that wishes to win the NBA title, assuming that team is not the current winners of the NBA title, who had one max free agent in Kawhi Leonard. Granted, losing him was painful. He was the best player that they had drafted and develped since…Patrick Ewing? I know somebody is going to yell out Charlie Ward or something, aren’t they? Sure guys. Now, somebody might also point out that even if they don’t sign two max free agents, the move was correct because Porzingis wanted out. And sure, somebody else might argue “He wanted out because you are a fucking tire fire,” and they’d be correct, but you know, that’s neither here nor there.

Now that this is settled, let’s move on to the other moves. All moves will be updated to reflect recent transactions

Sign Kevin Durant [Updated] Do not pursue Kevin Durant

Brooklyn signed him. Congrats, I guess, but whatever, he was never really on your radar on anyway. That’s his name, right? Kevin Durant? Or was it Devin Kurant. Honestly, I don’t know why everybody is wrapped up in this “Future Hall of Fame Player,” whatever that means. This is all good. Actually, it’s pretty funny when you think about it. I’m sure the Nets are happy, but really, this is about winning a title, not making some splashy moves for the sake of winning the back page wars.

Sign Kyrie Irvin [Updated] Steer clear of Kyrie Irving

Can you say “clubhouse cancer”? Obviously the Nets cannot. Unlike players like, say, Bobby Portis who literally broke his better teammates face, Kyrie is really flighty, and annoying, and while he would easily be the best player your team has employed since Carmelo Anthony, he doesn’t on his own guarantee anything other than Kalvin Dumant (Is that his name? Again, I forget, because I’m not some star fucker fanboi).

Tank so you can pick Zion Williamson [Updated] Ja Morant[Updated for real] RJ Barrett

You guys do realize who was universally considered the best prospect before the NCAA season, do you not? Because it wasn’t Zion, and nobody knew who Ja was. It was RJ Barrett. And then, something happened (The 2018-19 NCAA season played out, and we saw him play, if you want to get technical), now he’s not. B I G  D E A L. The point is that he was once the most highly touted, so it totally makes sense to lose as many games as you can possibly get. We’re not owned. WE’RE NOT OWNED.

Honestly, all other moves should be purely cosmetic at this point, and we’re essentially done here[Updated] We’re going to need to do a little more work.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, boys. Nobody said this was going to be easy.

Trade for Anthony Davis[Updated] Do not throw away all your assets for anybody

Okay, even if you had the resources to throw their way to match the Lakers (Fact Check: You do not), there’s no way you give up that much for a 26 year old franchise player who has said he’s going to enter free agency next year. Stand pat. He’s going to get tired of SoCal next winter, and you’ll be ready. HE’S COMING.

Book it. But of course, fortune favors the bold, so let’s keep on wheeling and dealing for this year.

Sign Kawhi Leonard [Updated] A meeting would have been nice

Some guys apparently need to have a super team to win it all. Isn’t that right, Kawhi? Good luck. It’s cold out there, and I hope you’ve got a blanket. Does not have what it takes to handle New York. Personally, I think history will judge him for this, but have fun out there.

Sign Jimmy Butler [Updated] Do not pursue Jimmy Butler

Does not give you a title. Pass.

Sign Tobias Harris [Updated] Do not pursue Tobias Harris

Does not give you a title. Pass.

If he becomes available, go after Klay Thompson[Updated] Even if Klay were available, PAAAAASSSSSS

I’m sorry, does Klay guarantee you a title? He does not. Is the goal to become a competent franchise? It is not. We’re trying to win a title here, not some 18th game. Think bigger, fools.

Whatever you do, do not settle for mediocrity [Updated] Shit, who’s out there? Julius Randle, Bobby Portis, Taj Gibson, Reggie Bullock. Pull the mother fucking trigger.

Randle might put it together, and in all seriousness, that’s not a terrible contract. Portis punched a better teammate, but hey, that’s just being a go getter, and nothing embraces “Next man up” like taking out the competition. Taj is old as the hills. Reggie Bullock is Reggie Bullock. OH SHIT. You guys just got Wayne Ellington? That’s a…well it’s at best an aggressively mediocre lineup. But New Orleans got the number one overall pick with something like a six percent chance.

This is fine. It’s not what you envisioned this past winter, but it’s good. You’re good. Trust the process. Dance like nobody is watching. Shine on, you crazy diamonds.

This is fine.

 

 

Ian Scott McCormick
Ian Scott McCormick
Ian is a New Yorker, a father, a husband, a sports fan. He covers a variety of subjects but really only appreciates burgers and cola.
https://ianscottmccormick.com/
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UnsurprisedSenor WeaseloSonOfSpamIan Scott McCormickKing Hippo Recent comment authors
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

[File —> Open Document]
[PressTemplate.docx]

While we understand some Knicks fans might be disappointed with tonight's news, https://t.co/AqYsc2hRR8

— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) July 1, 2019

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

King Hippo

Also, this was some terrific writing, I could follow along even knowing nothing (aside from Infinite Nets) about teh Association.

King Hippo

Maybe Karma really is a thing, at least with regard to metro NYC hardwood footy sides.

scotchnaut

Unsurprised- You hate so many things. Is there anything you like/enjoy?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Oddly enough, Working.

scotchnaut

This post had more strikethroughs than Bill Cosby’s Wikipedia page.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

The massive cynic in me thinks that Kawhi is gaming the Lakers, so he will announce he’s signing with the Clippers once the entire useful FA class is off the board.

SonOfSpam

Even as a Lakers fan, I’d respect the move.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I actually have serious basketball thoughts, which are that I’m disappointed that the Celtics weren’t able to find a way to keep Horford. It seemed like they were going to pull it off.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

Sixers and Nets games in Bawston next year will be salty as fuck though.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

A Russian could taste it

“You no like soup of beet? I add discard sock for spice!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Look at Mr. Moneybags Capitalist Pig willing to discard a sock over here.

ballsofsteelandfury

I just heard this song on the radio and thought of TWBS:

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Oh! So my Amazon comment last night was inspired by something that happened to my brother last week. We use my account and so when he has one of those same-day, third-party deliveries I get the photo email. And so I received an email around 8:30 AM, but didn’t read it until 10:00. I texted him to check if he got the package, which I had a photo of sitting on his doorstep.

He did not. He opened the door. No package. Frustration ensues.

An hour and change later, he hears the beep from the scanner/camera/iPad that UPS workers use outside his front door. He opens the door and the 8:30 package is there. Oh, and no UPS guy.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s strange

LemonJello
LemonJello

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ballsofsteelandfury

I get the feeling this article was written with this meme in mind:
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LemonJello
LemonJello

My mental image of the hot take barrage hitting NYC:
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like this artist’s conception does the Knicks’ front office justice.
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Senor Weaselo

As a Knick fan, watching Stephen A. break down was still hilarious.

blaxabbath

Alonzo Trier was one of the most frustrating Arizona players I can remember. He was actually good but the fan reaction to his game was that of a player with a shooting percentage half of his.

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Fans suck.

nomonkeyfun

“We love when they do that!”

-Every 80’s hair metal band