The New York Knicks Offseason: How You Doin’?

The NBA is crazy. A lot of people are talking about the upstart Brooklyn Nets, but those who know this city know the one undeniable truth that beats throughout the basketball knowers veins in the Large McIntosh: The New York Knicks own this city. It’s a fact. Don’t give me some flash in the pan story about the cuddly team in the Barclays Center. When we’re talking about the hearts and minds of the passionate followers, there is only one team.

How did they do last year? In the words of Mad Men “Bob, it’s not going great.”

Or is it? See, as the refrain goes, you either want to be the absolute best or the absolute worst in the NBA. Mediocrity only breeds mediocrity, and if you ever want to rise from the ashes, the first step is to burn it all down. It would be the draft to end all drafts, and it would be the free agent class to end all free agent classes. The path to greatness was right there. A blind man could see it, a deaf man could hear it, and a Russian could taste it. Stick to the plan. We now review that plan. Was it a success or a “Knicks success”? Let’s analyze together, shall we?

-Get rid of Kristaps Porzingis

Unmitigated success. He’s gone, and the Knicks suddenly have lots of cap space. This is key because they would need it to sign two max salary free agents. An absolute must for any team that wishes to win the NBA title, assuming that team is not the current winners of the NBA title, who had one max free agent in Kawhi Leonard. Granted, losing him was painful. He was the best player that they had drafted and develped since…Patrick Ewing? I know somebody is going to yell out Charlie Ward or something, aren’t they? Sure guys. Now, somebody might also point out that even if they don’t sign two max free agents, the move was correct because Porzingis wanted out. And sure, somebody else might argue “He wanted out because you are a fucking tire fire,” and they’d be correct, but you know, that’s neither here nor there.

Now that this is settled, let’s move on to the other moves. All moves will be updated to reflect recent transactions

Sign Kevin Durant [Updated] Do not pursue Kevin Durant

Brooklyn signed him. Congrats, I guess, but whatever, he was never really on your radar on anyway. That’s his name, right? Kevin Durant? Or was it Devin Kurant. Honestly, I don’t know why everybody is wrapped up in this “Future Hall of Fame Player,” whatever that means. This is all good. Actually, it’s pretty funny when you think about it. I’m sure the Nets are happy, but really, this is about winning a title, not making some splashy moves for the sake of winning the back page wars.

Sign Kyrie Irvin [Updated] Steer clear of Kyrie Irving

Can you say “clubhouse cancer”? Obviously the Nets cannot. Unlike players like, say, Bobby Portis who literally broke his better teammates face, Kyrie is really flighty, and annoying, and while he would easily be the best player your team has employed since Carmelo Anthony, he doesn’t on his own guarantee anything other than Kalvin Dumant (Is that his name? Again, I forget, because I’m not some star fucker fanboi).

Tank so you can pick Zion Williamson [Updated] Ja Morant[Updated for real] RJ Barrett

You guys do realize who was universally considered the best prospect before the NCAA season, do you not? Because it wasn’t Zion, and nobody knew who Ja was. It was RJ Barrett. And then, something happened (The 2018-19 NCAA season played out, and we saw him play, if you want to get technical), now he’s not. B I G  D E A L. The point is that he was once the most highly touted, so it totally makes sense to lose as many games as you can possibly get. We’re not owned. WE’RE NOT OWNED.

Honestly, all other moves should be purely cosmetic at this point, and we’re essentially done here[Updated] We’re going to need to do a little more work.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, boys. Nobody said this was going to be easy.

Trade for Anthony Davis[Updated] Do not throw away all your assets for anybody

Okay, even if you had the resources to throw their way to match the Lakers (Fact Check: You do not), there’s no way you give up that much for a 26 year old franchise player who has said he’s going to enter free agency next year. Stand pat. He’s going to get tired of SoCal next winter, and you’ll be ready. HE’S COMING.

Book it. But of course, fortune favors the bold, so let’s keep on wheeling and dealing for this year.

Sign Kawhi Leonard [Updated] A meeting would have been nice

Some guys apparently need to have a super team to win it all. Isn’t that right, Kawhi? Good luck. It’s cold out there, and I hope you’ve got a blanket. Does not have what it takes to handle New York. Personally, I think history will judge him for this, but have fun out there.

Sign Jimmy Butler [Updated] Do not pursue Jimmy Butler

Does not give you a title. Pass.

Sign Tobias Harris [Updated] Do not pursue Tobias Harris

Does not give you a title. Pass.

If he becomes available, go after Klay Thompson[Updated] Even if Klay were available, PAAAAASSSSSS

I’m sorry, does Klay guarantee you a title? He does not. Is the goal to become a competent franchise? It is not. We’re trying to win a title here, not some 18th game. Think bigger, fools.

Whatever you do, do not settle for mediocrity [Updated] Shit, who’s out there? Julius Randle, Bobby Portis, Taj Gibson, Reggie Bullock. Pull the mother fucking trigger.

Randle might put it together, and in all seriousness, that’s not a terrible contract. Portis punched a better teammate, but hey, that’s just being a go getter, and nothing embraces “Next man up” like taking out the competition. Taj is old as the hills. Reggie Bullock is Reggie Bullock. OH SHIT. You guys just got Wayne Ellington? That’s a…well it’s at best an aggressively mediocre lineup. But New Orleans got the number one overall pick with something like a six percent chance.

This is fine. It’s not what you envisioned this past winter, but it’s good. You’re good. Trust the process. Dance like nobody is watching. Shine on, you crazy diamonds.

This is fine.