The Final Rose: Finale Preview (Day 2)

If you tuned in on Friday, you read Part 1 of this The Bachelorette 2-Night Finale Preview. So now that you’ve got a nice little primer on the show, let’s get down to Hannah’s finale.

As I mentioned on Friday, Luke P seemed like the front-runner for most of this season. After being thrown off twice, he returned for the rose ceremony that was supposed to cut the field from three to the final two. Instead, Luke got tossed by Hannah for a THIRD time but we never got our final cut to two. So my expectation is that tonight (Monday) will be about bringing it down to two and then using Tuesday as a more typical finale where the two finalists select their NEIL LANE diamond rings and then Hannah picks one of them to pop the question.

Now before we get to the three remaining suitors, I want to mention something. The weird thing about the finale of The Bachelorette is that the show has been finished filming since before the premier. But the characters also tangibly exist in the real world. So naturally, as the episodes unfold throughout the season, entertainment media (and anyone with dial-up or better) goes and does like investigative reporting on the contestants and their claims. For example, Cam — an early departure who lived by the tagline, “I just gotta ABC: Always Be Cam” — tried landing a pity rose by hunting down Hannah to tell the story about how he almost lost his leg to some obscure disease that he’s trying to play up.

He’s basically the kid from American Vandal 2.

So he got tossed but what happened? Yeah, now all of #BachelorNation has heard of Lymphedema (or whatever it’s called). Cuz all these guys are sharing stories about soul crushing events like how their previous fiancé had a late-term miscarriage or they got drafted first overall by Steve Keim and then Cam’s like, “Want to guess my DISEASE???” — because that’s always the best way to pick up a chick — and you’re more shocked to learn that it’s really just swelling of the leg.

So one of these ongoing real-time stories is that two of the finalists are accused of having entered the show while having girlfriends (or immediately calling them off to be on the show). This obviously is not addressed in the taping but, for the sake of water cooler talk, you should be aware of the allegations. The internet rumor mill speculates that host Chris Harrison will be bringing these accusations up in his one-on-one interviews with the men tonight (Monday). I’ll touch more on this later.

Okay now — who are the final three competitors?


Jed Wyatt

Jed.

Jed is a musician from Tennessee who wears a lot of brown and spits mad game. I mean, hands down he’s can be the smoothest contestant. He really plays up his musical talents, which makes Hannah swoon but hasn’t really excelled elsewhere, especially late in the season where he was frustrated to share the chopping block with Luke P after hometown dates (Hannah ended up “making” the producers give her an additional rose so she didn’t have to decide between the two of them). Many believe his motivations are not ‘pure’ and he is just on the show as a publicity stunt, not to find true love by sharing a chick with 29 other guys.

That said, he’s the first (and I think only) guy Hannah has said she is falling in love with. He’s the favorite of many to win it all, despite his family being against him and Hannah getting together. Watch the clip below but I’m pretty sure his entire family is counting on him to make it as a musician and get them out of the trailer park and they’ll be damned if some city hussy (they think Alabama is a city) is going to come in and distract him from his/their dreams!

Furthermore, Jed was the first guy to pull aside Hannah and say (to paraphrase), “You’re still considering Luke P after he’s shown you what a toxic person he is and it’s making the rest of us wonder if you’re stupid or consciously making dumb decisions like some immature college slut.” He survived that conversation and, arguably, could be credited with being the being the guy to finally get Hannah to punt Luke P.

Of note, many viewers do not like Jed, I think, because he is one of the guys who has had accusations that he stopped dating a nobody to come on this show and have a chance at a Miss America contestant. Too bad he didn’t raw dog a porn star with his shriveled mushroom penis while his third wife was nursing his fourth child instead. Then he would have been the Most Christian Contestant ever, according to southerners.


Pete the Pilot

 

Pictured with Hannah

Pete talks a little like a valley girl so that’s off-putting. For about the first month of the show, every time he would show up I’d ask my wife who it was and every time she’d be like, “That’s Pete. He’s the pilot.” And I’d swear I’d never seen the dude before in my life. Don’t me wrong, I’d take being as forgettably-handsome as Pete — it just makes the show hard to follow. Pete’s greatest strength has been having a pretty good sense of humor about the whole The Bachelorette thing and keeping out of the Luke P drama and just optimizing his limited time with Hannah. Jed may present the best game; Pete is the best player at the game of The Bachelorette.

Pete also has allegations that he was in a relationship entering the show but his is much less shocking than Jed as the “girlfriend” is some chick who lived cross-country from a pilot who was banging her when he was in town. Oh, he told you one day you should move to southern California even though he knew you were currently tied down? Yeah, only a guy who was SUPER SERIOUS would make such a statement to his booty call. Jeez — I sometimes forget how naïve young women are.

My thoughts are that Pete gets runner up — which is the best-case scenario because, of the remaining guys, I would think Pete is the one who might break down crying when he’s dumped getting ready to deliver a proposal. Also, the editing of the show has given Pete an amount of airtime that I just cannot believe is reflective of the winner. I could totally see him being the next The Bachelor though.


Tyler C.

I don’t know Tyler’s last name

Tyler just seems like a bro and is my favorite to win it all. I feel like the producers are trying to push Jed but I think it’s more that they were highlighting Jed v Luke. Tyler has basically stayed out of the Luke drama and has always benefitted from time in that his one-on-one dates were always after some drama and so all he had to do was be like, “Hey girl, I’ll hold you til you feel better” and then they would make out.

The other thing is that Tyler has gotten a lot of camera time for not being an interesting part of any individual episode’s storyline. I mean, he gets more time than Pete the Pilot when both are equally uninteresting or distanced from the week’s [typically Luke-related] drama.

Tyler seems like the most real guy remaining and, coincidently, has no prior girlfriend drama. Given Hannah’s “chemistry” approach to awarding roses, I think Tyler must just make it easy for her. That said, I could very well see him getting cut Monday night and everyone but me being like, “well yeah, of course Tyler wasn’t going to make it to the final two.” But I’m going to double-down on my low expectations of Hannah and bet that she just goes with the guy who doesn’t have a career that demands anything on her part because I am absolutely positive that this chick does not want to work any job at all ever in her life — including being a music star wife.


Final point, this most recent The Bachelor ended without an engagement. Colton (The Bachelor) basically got ultimatumed by one of the contestants with a just a few weeks left. So the season ended with them “being together” but not engaged. So that’s a possibility. Some people are speculating that Luke with, again, return but after last Monday’s The Men Tell All episode where Hannah basically dressed him down in front of a live audience and then Luke walked off the set, I’m confident that some huge twist where that was all an act and they are actually engaged is far from possible.

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blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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Game Time Decision

I’m on team meteor here. This show is awful.
My wife *****LOVES**** this show\shit. She also knows who “wins” but watches anyway.
While I have wished for Smell-o-vision ( TM) (Patent pending) many times, this is one show that you ‘d need to watch with the smell ( and sound) off. I image it to be wall to wall Axe body spray.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Okay so on that show Love Island there are like five couples sharing beds in a single big room. Can you imagine how funkily awful that place smells?

Game Time Decision

Im thinking Axe+ coconut (from the sun screen) + lube + BO + some flowery air freshener

Ian Scott McCormick

By the way, my wife totally knows who she picks, because she reads Reality Steve, and hasn’t gone into a season without knowing the winner even once. Bachelor spoilers do not bother her one bit.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Too bad he didn’t raw dog a porn star with his shriveled mushroom penis while his third wife was nursing his fourth child instead. Then he would have been the Most Christian Contestant ever, according to southerners.

Man, I wish Republican voters understood irony.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You mean I. Ronny, the science fiction story where instead of having Alzheimer’s disease Reagan turned out to be a robot? Good yarn.