Your “Night One of the Season 15 The Bachelorette Two-Night Finale” Open Thread

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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First, obligatory The Shield Updates brought to you by Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., only on ABC and your ABC steaming app.

  • I believe there really is nothing that cannot wait until tomorrow.
  • Well, Arizona cut 1st round bust Robert Nkemdiche this weekend.
    • He was due a $400,000 bonus has he been on the roster for the 5th day of training camp.
    • “Out of shape,” per Guy in the Head Coach position, Kliff Kingsbury, and still on the PUP (ACL), Nkemdiche leaves Concentration Campazona with 4.5 sacks in four years. So there may or may not be much left in the tank.
    • Lazy sportswriters are commenting that he’ll be on Tampa Bay by Thursday as part of Bruce Arians’ getting the old gang back together agenda in the Big Swampy.
      • Pay no attention to the way Nkemdiche was perpetually in BA’s doghouse during his first two years.
  • Speaking of the Bucs, fire the canons because Vincent Testaverde has inked a deal to play QB for the franchise 22 years after they drafted his father.
    • Vincent backed up Patrick Mahomes at Texas Tech before transferring to Miami and then FCS Albany.
    • Vincent joins Blaine Gabbert Gabbert and six-year veteran Ryan Griffin (I know, I’d never heard of the dude before either), as the third hyena looking to eat a baby lion takeover the offense when Rapey J inevitably gets injured, suspended, or deported.

And then we got tonight’s TV line-up, brought you by 24 Hour Fitness. 24 Hour Fitness: Don’t Worry About It, You’ll Make It Over LaterTM.

  • ESPN — Atlanta Braves at Washington Nationals — 5PM
  • ESPN2 — UFC 207: Nunes vs Rousey (From Las Vegas, NV) — 8pm
  • ESPNCLS — 2012 Cincinnati at Louisville (Teddy Bridgewater piled up 416 passing yards as the Cardinals stayed unbeaten with a 34-31 OT win) — 7pm
  • NBCSN — US Poker Open — 8pm

Alright, and with that, we are on to Night 1 of The Bachelorette finale on ABC. Get caught up on the happening here and here.


Grab the rosé and let’s roll!

blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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UnsurprisedSonOfSpamBrettFavresColonoscopyWCSDon T Recent comment authors
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I also feel lame that I got this, but also Cuomo does seem like a giant dick.
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Fuck Boston.

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SonOfSpam

And Vishnu bless The Onion.

Don T

Evenin’ folks. Today I quit my job and will open my own office by Week 1. The security cam caught me after I handed my resignation letter:
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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Need any paper towels? I know a guy.

SonOfSpam

Mostly used on Ivanka’s back.

WCS

Hey, everybody! Drinks on El Presidente!
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Given the chance I’d spray all over Lynda Carter, too

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Congrats! Felicidades a todos los abogados sin jefes

SonOfSpam

Way to go amigo. Feliz Navidad! (Thus ends my Spanish knowledge)

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Congratulations. Need a west coast office?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Another video for may spank bank.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So, per our earlier shenanigans, I checked it out, and GoDaddy will sell us tombradyissuchafuckingfraud.com for $4.99 a year. Somehow tombradyissuchafuckingfraud.net is $9 more.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

That is surprising. The only thing that I can think of is maybe tombradyissuchafuckingfraud.net once actually existed and has occasional traffic.

I’ll check the Way Back Machine in the morrow.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rack Star
Rambone
Rambutt
Romancing the Bone
Saturday Night Beaver
Schlong Blade
Sex Toy Story
Sex Trek: The Next Penetration
Shagnet
Shaving Ryan’s Privates
Sheepless in Montana
Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
Sinderella
Sleeping Booty
Sleeping with Seattle
Sorest Rump
Space Nuts
Spankenstein
Sperminator
Star Prick – The Next Ejaculation
Star Whores

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There is also a fine film Tittie Tittie Bang Bang

not sure if there were any lawsuits.

Don T

Romancing the Bone’s characters gotta be archeologists.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m going out on a limb, controversial opinion, contrarian attitude.

S.J. is attractive.

SonOfSpam

If it’s 2 AM and we’re the last ones in the bar? Maybe. Maybe she asks me what time it is.

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:
all the
small kinks
my new
wife brings
roleplay
bondage
and some
light whips
say it ain’t so / here’s a blindfold
wax the pubes off / peg my asshole

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That joke is on fire, much like Travis Barker once was.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Okay, a while back I mentioned how awful the group bedroom in Love Island must smell. That was, of course, *before* I saw the contestants eating in there. I’d sooner eat a candy bar that fell on the floor of a Tampa Bay locker room than spend a night there.

Sharkbait

I’ll bet if you shine a black light in there it can be seen from the ISS

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450
herodotus450

Not as bad as Milf Island ppl forget it was originally a navy weapons test site in the 50s.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

FYI, tombradyissuchafuckingfraud.net is $12 a year on Google Domains.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ha I just said the same up top before scrolling down. .com is a bargain!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

My Monday was apparently incomplete without having a truck back into my car in a parking lot when I was pinned between two others, while hoping that laying on my horn would solve the problem. It did not.

Sharkbait

At least you’re OK.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Physically, yes. Mentally, we’ll have to wait until I’m done filling a claim.

Sharkbait

I know your pain. I just got my car back after someone backed into the front of my car, because they decided they couldn’t make the light. Dealing with insurance companies is a bitch.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This is why I can’t believe I know people who work insurance defense. It cannot pay that well to be evil.

...

I’ll be positive for once and say that my one time dealing with an insurance company over a totaled car went pretty well and was much less painful than I had expected it to be.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

The one thing I like about Mercury so far is they seem to pay for good staff, because they certainly don’t spend it on their commercials.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Plus you weigh 38% as much there.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That they spend as much as they do means that for a heavily-regulated industry, those regulations don’t seem to mean jack shit.

Senor Weaselo

Shit, the guy stopped? Normally they drive off giving you as many birds as humanly possible.

Horatio Cornblower

The US Poker Open has all the glamour of a particularly depressing evening at a Rust Belt American Legion.

scotchnaut

Seriously, how many times can you jab at a fireplace and pretend that it’s a sport? What’s next? The Straw Broom Sweeping Championships? smgdh

Redshirt

Cornhole is shown on sports channels. Cornhole.

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Movie wasn’t a parody, it was a premonition.

Sharkbait

Televised poker tournaments are still a thing? What is this? 2004?

Redshirt

I miss that era. Everyone thought they could do it. Everyone went to the casino to play live poker for real money. Everyone loses $300, goes to ATM, returns with $200, loses $200, goes to ATM, returns with $300, loses $300.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It really must have been a glorious time if you knew what you were doing.

Sharkbait

I thought middle America was against arranged marriages. Isn’t that what The Bachelor & Bachelorette is? Arranged marriage via Showrunners and producers?

herodotus450
herodotus450

But these are all white god-fearing christians, so it’s ok.

scotchnaut

“Robert Nkemdiche was cut? He shouldn’t have tried to return those sun glasses to the head coach’s office.”

-OJ Simpson

Redshirt

And in something I don’t get to say often, but Cincinnati is actually beating their nigh-eternal bully from up river Pittsburgh 10-1. That’s right. The Steelers were somehow able to score the rare, elusive one-point safety, but Cincinnati is…what? A baseball score? Wow.

Well scoring 10 runs in a game is a nice effort by the Reds and its nice to know that they are not calling it a…what? One inning? Shit.