Goddess 3 : Eurotrip – Chapter 5

EXTERIOR, THE PORT OF AMSTERDAM

Balls: Alright, boys! We’re here!

Hippo (carrying luggage): Hold up!

tWBS: Aren’t you happy that we flew WOW airlines now?

Balls: You know, I have to give it up to you. It certainly makes getting around a lot easier.

tWBS: So, how are we going to speed up teh Hippo?

Balls: That reminds me, what kind of pills does he like? Speed? Quaaludes? Uppers? Downers?

tWBS: You sound like a cop doing a DARE assembly at a middle school.

Balls: Granted, this is not my area of expertise.

tWBS: Don’t worry, we head into the red light district and he’ll find whatever he wants.

The trio head towards the nearest trolley station, which will take them into Central Amsterdam. Hippo struggles with his luggage and Balls and tWBS, assholes that they are, don’t offer to help.

Eventually, they reach Amsterdam Centraal, the nexus of Central Amsterdam.

Hippo: Which way to my precious?!!

Balls: I think it’s to the left.

tWBS: Yeah, but our hotel is straight ahead. Let’s get ourselves checked in first so the poor Hippo can unload his luggage. Seriously, man, why did you pack so much?

Hippo: Like a good Boy Scout, always ready!

Balls: Yeah, well, you might want to lose some of that. You don’t want to lug all that throughout Europe on public transport.

Hippo: I dunno about that. There’s important stuff here. What if we rent a car?

tWBS: You know gas is expensive here, right?

Hippo: Boys, I won big last night. It’s on me.

Balls: Works for me! Only one problem, though. I can’t help with the driving. I’m sorta banned from driving in Europe.

tWBS: What the hell?

Balls: Well, there was that one incident in the Basque Country and if they run my license, I most likely won’t get approved as an additional driver.

tWBS: That’s fine. Hippo and I can drive.

Balls: Are you sure? Won’t Dave get jealous?

tWBS: He’ll be fine!

Somewhere in North Carolina, Dave feels a disturbance in the Force. He thinks, “Asshole!” and goes back to sleep. As the trio walk towards the hotel, they hear a female’s voice

Friendly Female: Hi tWBS!

tWBS (turns all around, finally sees her): Oh hey! How are you? What happened?

Friendly Female: You know what happened, silly boy! Don’t worry, I’m fine, just a sprained ankle. Totally worth it!

tWBS: I’m so sorry, sweetie! I hope you’re not in much pain.

Friendly Female: No worries. The drugs here are awesome.

Hippo: Oh yeah?

Friendly Female (to Hippo): Yes. (to tWBS): Hey, the girls are all going to the Red Light District later tonight. Wanna join up?

tWBS: Sure! Hey, by the way these are my friends I was telling you all about. Ok if they join the party?

Friendly Female: Sure! More the merrier!

tWBS: Okay, see you later!

The female on crutches hobbles off towards the east.

Balls: Lemme guess. One of the girls from last night?

tWBS (sheepishly): Yup.

Hippo: The streak continues!

***

Amsterdam Red Light District

Balls: I can’t believe it was that easy to get drugs for Hippo!

Hippo: Seriously, I’m almost embarrassed at how easy that was.

tWBS: Ok, let’s focus. I think we should you know, grab a coffee.

Balls: Since when do you drink coffee?

tWBS: I don’t.

Balls: Oh shit, now I get it.

tWBS: Dumbass!

Balls: Yeah, I deserve that.

***

Balls: Holy shitballs!

tWBS: I’m in heaven!

Hippo: Damn. I mean, I’m happy with my pills, but. Damn.

***

THREE HOURS LATER

Balls is once again by himself. Hippo has gone back to his room to enjoy his newly-purchased pills. tWBS was high as a fucking kite and didn’t want to leave the coffee shop. Like ever.

So, Balls is now walking through the red light district “window-shopping” so to speak. It seems like each block is devoted to a different “type” or nationality. It’s all very orderly in a kinda fucked up perverted type of way.

Balls (to himself): There sure are a lot of Eastern Europeans! Times must be hard there. Hee hee! Red light phrasing!

He continues walking and finds one of the famous Amsterdam clubs offering a live sex show. Curious, he enters.

***

THE NEXT MORNING

Balls is walking back towards hotel, very gingerly. As he nears the entrance, he sees tWBS walking very slowly and deliberately like he’s walking through a minefield.

Balls: What the fuck is wrong with you?

tWBS: Dude, I think I may have overdone it.

Balls: Seriously, how is that possible?

tWBS: I think I saw God.

Balls: Does he have big tits?

tWBS: Blasphemer! Also yes.

Balls: Wait, seriously?

tWBS: No, asshole! But I did enjoy some nice titties last night. What happened to you? Again?!?

Balls: I don’t want to talk about it. What titties?

tWBS: So remember that we were going to meet up with the girls?

Balls: Yeah.

tWBS: Well, in the midst of being high as fuck, my phone rang. I picked it up and it was the girls. They picked me up and took me with them. Remember the hottest one? The one that wanted to meet you?

Balls: Yes?

tWBS: Well, she is apparently bi and she wanted to hire one of the girls in the windows to take care of me and her.

Balls: No!

tWBS: Oh yeah. Professional service. And the best part is that she paid for the whole night!

Balls: I hate you.

tWBS: No, you don’t. Think the Hippo is up for some Dutch pancakes?

Balls: If he’s not, I am!

tWBS: So, seriously, what happened to you?

Balls: I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that one should never volunteer to take part in a live sex show.

tWBS: I guess it’s true that one never stops learning. Mrs. Crabtree was right.

Balls: She participated in a live sex show?

tWBS: She did in my teenage head. Man, I miss AP Biology…

To Be Continued…

(89/69)

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
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litre_colanomonkeyfunballsofsteelandfurySharkbaitIan Scott McCormick Recent comment authors
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nomonkeyfun

BTW, congrats to balls on getting some.

I guess Tom Petty was wrong though, the waiting wasn’t the hardest part or at least the most uncomfortable.

Sharkbait

Amsterdam is on the list to visit for sure.

litre_cola

If you go, let me know I have spent over 2 months of my life there and know a bunch of cool stuff to do that isnt the tourist normal.

Sharkbait

There’s an outside chance I might go in September for a conference. If I do, I’ll hit you up for some off the beaten path ideas

Ian Scott McCormick

My wife did shrooms in Amsterdam. Aside from me having to explain to her “No, you should not hug that naked child who is dancing in the fountain” we had a pretty good time in Vondelpark. We sat on a bench and gently watched as the sun set over the trees, capping off a pretty magical day.
And then it was dark. In a park we weren’t familiar with. With signs exclusively in Dutch. And so many fucking birds.

litre_cola

Spent a lot of time in Amsterdam, in fact one Xmas which was bizarre. My travel mate was from Malaysia and Catholic. The xmas morning for him started by going to mass in the church in the red light district. He then went for a rub and tug, then met us for a beer and a joint, then called his mom back homr and then “treated” himself to 2 hookers at once.
When he returned to the hostel he procliamed it the best Xmas ever.

Sharkbait

I mean, it’s gotta be up there.

nomonkeyfun

He probably spent a lot of time praising the Lord on his birthday.