Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 2, 2019 Season

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Latest posts by King Hippo (see all)

Sometimes, everything sucks all at once.  This was my sportsball weekend.  Thanks for showing me you can get darker, Darkest Timeline.

Did you know that Stephen Gostkowski missed TWO extra points yesterday?  I mean, the P*ts still won 43-fucking-0, so maybe it escaped your attention.  Shit, even if you took all the offensive scores off the board, they would have almost covered the spread.  19-0, here we come.  Use all the lube you want, it still gon’ hurt.

Same thing applies to AARP vice-president and Humps placements man Adam Vinateri, though WAY more noticeable in a 19-17 squeaker win in Tennessee.  Lucky for him, Mariota and pals came up short on a late 4th down conversion, meaning no chance at a winning FG.  Both QBs were under 5.5 YPA this game, but Brissett at least hit for three scores.  Very AFC South.

Such also applies to Jaguras/500s, with Duval’s Finest doing nothing almost all day, then striking for a late TD, making it 13-12.  As the coach of the shittier team, Doug Marrone correctly went for 2.  However, Horny Fourny came up like 2 inches short.  Brittfar can empathize.

At exactly the same score, Vic Fangio (again, with the shittier team) also went for two, but after a series of ridiculous events (delay of game, then missing a kicked try, but with Chi**** offside) MADE it, for a 14-13 lead.  Flacco actually WAS elite on the last drive.  But a series of even screwier events got Piniero in range for a 53-yarder at the gun, which he made.  Not talking about this any further.  FUCK OFF, you can’t make me.

The other two late fixtures were ones that only BLEERGH could love, and love them He did.  Mahomes got all of KC’s points in a series of 2nd quarter bombs.  Pre-Vegas spent their wad in Q1, but 28 >> 10, and the Raiders are back in the dumpster where they belong.  Josh Jacobs is good, though.  Finally, something to build upon, or to trade away for the next round of non-sense.

And yes, of course, N’Awlins got screwed out of a fumble return TD which likely would have turned the game on its head.  But with Breesus Christ dying for our thumb sins on the sideline, there was fuckall they could do otherwise.  27-9 Rams, but trust Hippo – they are nowhere near what they were in 2017-18.  It’s quite possible that the NFC has NO good teams.

Closest things to it?  I guess Fightin’ Tomsulas and Non-Gendered Cowpersons.  But they really have beaten up on the sisters of the poor.  Still, Santa Clara looks to have a legitimate “punch one in the mouth” defense, while DAK DAK DAK DAK! is much more dynamic under a modern offense.  The Redacteds and the Bungles may commence playing for 2021.

Green Bay beat the Vikes 21-16, despite going into near-hibernation on offense.  But between Dan Bailey and Captain Dingleberry fucking up as much as humanly possible, it didn’t really matter.  You can’t win with that assdick under center.  PHRASING.  I wouldn’t call the Packers GOOD – but they might be a rich man’s version of Santa Clara.  We’ll see.

Fuck Lions and Spanoi played one derpy fucking game, with both sides seemingly going up and down the field at will, but with a final score of DET 13, x-SD 10.  Cheap-ass Spanoi went with their punter kicking placements the 2nd week in a row, and it bit ’em this time.  Fat, drunk Matt Prater also missed an extra point and manageable FG.  Just wretched stuff.  Oh, and week 1 fantasy hero Austin Ekeler fumbled inside the 1.  Oops.

Breesus wasn’t the only ded QB out there, as The Ben got a shoulder owie that could see him away from his beloved Call of Duty for a few weeks, minimum.  BDSM State alumnus Mason Rudolph was serviceable in relief, but the SeaTruthers converted a late 4th and 1 to cement the 28-26 road win.  Both these teams are shit, but one is 2-0, while the other is 0-2.  Life, eh?

You can’t talk of “shit” very long without mentioning the New York Football Giants.  Somehow, Brokeback QB managed not to hit the 300 yard mark, but that seemed mostly due to game script.  Saquon had a buck-seven and a score, which is nice if inconsequential.

Arizona, unlike Miami, continues to try really, really hard (and hey, they are basically a (fake) college squadron).  That kept them within one score of the Ratbirds in Balmer, but they never really threatened when they got the ball in position to take the lead.  Then, Lamar! kept converting on the last possession, until kneeldown time inside the Qardinals’ 10.  Survivor pool EXHALE.

Is that all?  I think so, at least for me.  I ain’t watching the Bird Battle on SNF.  Judge that for yourselves.  Again, FUCK YOU.  You can’t make me.

See everyone next week, on the road to 19-0 and a 4-TD Owl triumph over Janeane Garofolo.  You know it’s coming.  No reason to live in denial.

 

 

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
Please Login to comment
16 Comment threads
42 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
16 Comment authors
Moose -The End Is Well NighDon TLemonJelloscotchnautballsofsteelandfury Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Don T

Tits gonna drive me mad. The D is solid. Very good watch in all areas. Those LBs are looking World Class. The special teams will NAWT fuck things up and the punting rawks. But Christ that offense!!! Derrick Henry, good. Pretty great, actually. The receivers are talented. Mariota has good accuracy numbers. But dammit, the passing game is maddeningly inconsistent—except for 3rd down passes. All seem are thrown behind the first down marker. And that last drive was truly Bortlesian. Ugh.
Week 2, only week 2.

scotchnaut

Brees is gone for six weeks but that ends in their bye week, so seven. My question-why didn’t we see more (if any) Taysom Hill?

bk109
bk109

Sooooo, I take it Days Of Our Steelers has been picked up for a full season? 😀

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

HARF!

ballsofsteelandfury

Best thing that could have happened to that team. They need to move on from Big Ben.

LemonJello
LemonJello

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Perfect gif for this.

Brocky

On a serious note, I really think the bellyaching is getting real old real fast.

Broncos had 2 roughing calls and a stolen pick six go their way. You can’t say a team “didn’t deserve to win” when your expected margin of victory is a single point also there is more than enough precedent for refs putting time back on the clock

Fangio did the dumb thing all defensive coaches seem to do and played too conservative, and assumed mitch couldn’t win it in the last minute. He did, and the bears won. I’m sick of people lamenting their missed opportunities to engorge their Chicago hateboners.

Peace

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Meh, ALL the bitching is getting old; it was old on the previous site, some of the live threads are nothing BUT bitching. Two fairly close teams with a close game. There is no Chicago hateboner here, just a persecution complex. Before the season most expected that game to be a gimme for Da Bearz. Conservative? How so? He called the right defenses for the situation; the Bears did a great job taking advantage.

Brocky

Not talking about this any further. FUCK OFF, you can’t make me.

No, but I can post screen shots, you jinxed yourself

comment image

Love ya anyways!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

In GIF form?

comment image

Brocky

Reply got cut off, i edited it

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DAMN IT!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It WAS a bullshit call, so was the one agianst the Bears, just with that one it didn’t mean anything because the Donks didn’t take advantage of it. So what is your fucking point? Your Bears persecution complex is in the tinfoil hat area.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

One “roughing the passer” against each team; outlawing contact in a contact sport. The one against the Donks cost them the game. Garret Bolles is an idiot, but also an asshole idiot.

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GUY GARRET BOLLES I CALL HIM THE CATCHER IN THE RYE CAUSE HE IS HOLDEN.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He is the teams top tackler.

Also; good one.

Old School Zero

We’re gonna need a bigger dumpster.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It appears that the Losers’ Investment Club’s stock pick this week is the equivalent of the Miami Dolphins.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Difference is a stockholder can sue the officers of the company for not trying

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think I picked the right week to have bought a plug-in hybrid:
comment image

Sharkbait

Economic uncertainty? Re-election hanging in the balance? Better start a war!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I just wanna know why they’re targeting gigantic onions from the sky?

Also, gas prices just went up a lot.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s about time KSA learned that you don’t start shit if you can’t handle the consequences.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The brightest spot for my weekend I guess would have to be that I doubled up Internet Dad in fantasy (he had Brees; I had Mahomes and the Patriots defense).

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Good stuff as usual Hippo!

ballsofsteelandfury

And yet teh Hippo scored the highest in our NFL Footy Tipping Pool…

Ya gotta keep betting Brazilian third division games instead of the NFL, buddy!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Always choose Brazilian.