Your “Does This Look Rushed? Because It Is” Monday Night Football Open Thread

No time to talk!

Fallout:

-Vontaze Burfict will be given the rest of the season off to not think about what he did to Jack Doyle. Somebody cue up Shirley Bassey’s History Repeating.

-The lesser-known (outside of the Rockies area) Chubb, Brad, is gone for the year.

-The even lesser-known (not to me) Ryan Connelly, rook lb for the Giants is gone as well after posting an 8 tackle, 1 interception and 1 sack stat line. Goddamnit!

-Josh Allen is in concussion protocol and will likely be back in three weeks after the Bills lose to the Titans, then take a bye, and end up with a more Buffalo-like 3-2 record.

-Unfrozen Caveman QB Darnold has been cleared to start throwing the old rock again. No word on whether spears are allowed just yet.

-Hey, if you invested in Bruce Arian’s O in the form of wr’s Godwin and/or Evans, congrats! You’ve got the 3rd and 4th highest scoring wideouts in fantasy.

TO THE GAME!

Cincy/Pitt:

Qb Dalton is rather spotlight averse. He’s lost his last four Monday Nighters, has never won on Sunday night and, well, there is that 0-4 mark on his reputation as far as playoff games are concerned. His counterpart Mason Rudolph is a bit of an unknown quantity but early reviews indicate that he’s not good at the deep ball or intermediate routes but that short checkdown pass is in his wheelhouse. I see plenty of handoffs so you fellas out there that are depending on heretofore incredibly shitty James Conner to win you your fantasy matchup just might have lucked into something.

Go get ’em!

 

 

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Redshirt

(Line Judge throws flag)

Referee: “What did he do?”
Line Judge: “I saw a Bengals 55 hitting a Steeler near the out of bounds line. It was instinct.”

King Hippo

Christ, they brought back the WILDCAT? Even Miami isn’t that desperate.

WCS

7/8 for 52 yards is Alex Smith’s ultimate wet dream.

litre_cola

Smaller hands make it look bigger.

Sharkbait

I know right?

-D. Trump

King Hippo

I mean, fookin’ hell. Ain’t even no baseball on.

LemonJello

They taking the month off to prepare for the playoffs like usual?

Spur

ok Orders have all been dropped and time cards approved. Am getting a drink and hate watching this or Maddow

LemonJello

Bigger douche-bro: T.J. or J.J. Watt?

Unsurprised

Yes

Spur

depends on who has the higher lifted truck

LemonJello

Are the biggest Truck Nutz the tie-breaker?

Viva La Tabula Raza

“Eifert had Bush all over him.”

Ewwwww.

litre_cola

Trimmed?

Spur

Changing the culture in Cincinnati involves eating your spaghetti like a human

Redshirt

We use forks. We’re not savages!

Unsurprised

Good for Maya Rudolph. First, playing Kamala on SNL; now, starting QB for the Steelers. Go, ROONEY RULE!

Spur

it’s called the Red River Shootout

King Hippo

It’s things like this that make me foam-at-the-mouth angry.

Unsurprised

When playing Cleveland, it’s the Fried River Shootout

herodotus450

“We prefer to call it the Red River disagreement.”

Spur

The Red River Mutual Endeavor

LemonJello

So, would this game be considered a slobber-knocker or a barn burner?

Brick Meathook

It’s a fine-how-do-you-do

Viva La Tabula Raza

I’m all about the thingamabob and the doomaflagey.

herodotus450

“The ruling on the field is that this is a passable game of football. The audience is challenging the ruling on the field.”

LemonJello

“After review, this game should have been flexed to TNF, but its not like you’ve got a life or any thing else to do. Shut up and watch. Touchdown Seahawks.”

King Hippo

Pretty dumb challenge flag. Not like he fucking caught the pass. Is 2nd and 10 much better than 1st and 20?

King Hippo

and listen to all the unhappy fatties!

Unsurprised

I just got here!

Redshirt

Here’s come the flag! Of course… its against Pittsburgh?! Am I in Alternate Earth again?

Unsurprised

I’d stay

Spur

OPI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Mason. Rudolph. All bases covered.
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LemonJello

Is there an “Illegal Use of the Hands; Hands to the Groin” penalty?

Redshirt

Encrotchment?

herodotus450

Not since January, 2017

Viva La Tabula Raza

I used to worry about getting caught red-handed with the Hands to the Groin call in my crazed adolescent years, if you know what I mean.

King Hippo

Wha happen to 3/4 of John Goodman? He get teh AIDS?

WCS

Better consult Dr. Mantis Toboggan, MD.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I think chick would like to go behind boyfriend’s back and fuck Gordon Ramsay’s Costco appetizer making self.

King Hippo

Bungles are waaaaayyyyyy closer to an actual, professional footy squadron than these Stiller fucks.

King Hippo

also coming from a Donks fan, so I know how low to look for such faintness

Redshirt

What game are you watching?

LemonJello

Cincy is closer to Cleveland than Shitsburgh?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Only on a flat earth.

LemonJello

Mixed doubles pickle ball?

litre_cola

Qudditch? or that Harry Potter broom game.

Unsurprised

Professional Grabass?

Spur

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Redshirt

(sees Bengals stop the Steelers on 4th down)
“What is in this Ham Wrap?”

herodotus450

Classic Steelers move to lose all their best players for one year, get a high draft pick, select their next franchise quarterback who’ll win a super bowl or two, then repeat.

Spur

Gee, it’s almost like Conner is a backup player.

Brick Meathook

Of all the people I’ve met in England only five percent of them speak English.

Sharkbait

Go to the imperial war museum

Brick Meathook

I did! A photo:

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Viva La Tabula Raza

And Curzon was right. But that wasn’t what did it. WWI and WWII debt killed that empire.

Unsurprised

Justice.

Unsurprised

Seeing that Chinese diplomat on Channel 4 saying that Britain can fuck off because they are in no position to do anything about Hong Kong was one of the funniest things I’ve seen all year.

Unsurprised

Speak English to me, Tony. I thought this country spawned the fucking language, and so far nobody seems to speak it.

Fuck. I miss Dennis Farina.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Yes, London. You know: fish, chips, cup ‘o tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary fucking Poppins… LONDON.

Q: Anything to declare?
A: Yeah, don’t go to England.

Viva La Tabula Raza

My favorite part he played was in his first movie, Thief, where IIRC he beat the shit out of James Caan with a Chicagoland phone book.

Unsurprised

Which I’m sure he totally never did when he was Chicago PD.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Meh, British people quote the same percentage of English speakers met during visits to USA.

Spur

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Redshirt

2015 Pittsburgh-Cincinnati: The Battle for 1st Place
2019 Pittsburgh-Cincinnati: The Battle for 1st Win

WCS

Rock n’ roll

Gratliff

Oh shit. Street Fight released an O&A retrospective with Felix Biederman. A fine alternative to ESPN audio.

WCS

Ryan Switzer is pointless.

Redshirt

Seriously. They have great looking away uniforms being wasted away as color rush jerseys.

Redshirt

“The Bengals look ready.”

I hate it when famous people start to show senility.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I guess he can make the throws, just not the completions.

Sharkbait

C’mon man needs the Old Yeller treatment.

Sharkbait

Nice. So I can take all the talking heads out behind the woodshed?

ArmedandHammered

Leave David Byrne alone.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Oh, David Byrne reference. Obligatory posting of Rhode Island School of Design (Byrne’s alma mater) sports mascot
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Col. Duke LaCross

It’s no “JACKED UP!”

Spur

The only thing that can make this shitty week better is to see the Steelers lose.

Viva La Tabula Raza

As a football aficionado who hates teams on the basis of their current success (like the rest of America that currently hates the Patriots), i hated the Steelers second only to the Cowboys back in the 1970s, and while my hatred was ameliorated somewhat by their suckitude in the 80s and 90s, I have had my hatred of them re-invigorated in the Rapelisburger era, and I will join you in your desire to see a Shitsburgh loss tonight.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Oh for fuck’s sake, ESPN, not the fucking Hanna-Barbera sound effects, please!

theeWeeBabySeamus

You have Jen Sterger’s attention about the “D lined up”.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I see plenty of handoffs so you fellas out there that are depending on heretofore incredibly shitty James Conner to win you your fantasy matchup just might have lucked into something.

That’s what I’m counting on. DON-T I AM COMING FOR YOU!!!!!

(let me rephrase that)

Gratliff

The fuck is with all the grifty as seen on TV ads tonight?

Viva La Tabula Raza

The media is aligning themselves with the current WH administration.

King Hippo

thank GOD, I finally saw the “non-DFS” button for my Rotowire articles list

Spur

End of Month on a Monday sucks. Fucking sandbagging sales. Get your Orders in.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Was the name of your company Enitech? comment image

Redshirt

As a point of reference: The only time the Bengals and Steelers were both 0-3 was 2000 (Akili Smith and Kordell Stewart/Kent Graham).

King Hippo

cough cough Dwayne Haskins cough cough

soon, two reasons!

Redshirt

That 1990s Bengals deserves an ESPN 30-for-30 Special:

1997 Bengals End of Season Interview:
Bruce Coslet: “The team really responded to Esiason at the end of the year. We may be a Playoff Team next year.”
Mike Brown: “I’ve convinced Boomer to retire and go to Monday Night Football.”

1998 Bengals End of Season Interview:
Bruce Coslet: “The team really responded to Blake at the end of the year. Maybe even O’Donnell; his TD-INT ratio was awesome. We just need to shore up the offensive line and we’ll be okay. Maybe”
Mike Brown: “No, we need a new quarterback.”

1999 Bengals End of Season Interview:
Bruce Coslet: “You’re not listening to a god damned thing I’m saying, are you?
Mike Brown: “Its about time your figured that out. Hell, Shula figured it out in 6 weeks.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This tilt without Vontaze Burfict is like Trump without the piss tape

Viva La Tabula Raza

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ArmedandHammered

The face of bigotry and intolerance in the 70’s, Anita Bryant

Viva La Tabula Raza

There are so many more of those faces to choose from these days, it seems.

Redshirt

Don’t worry. I’m sure Vontaze Burfict will rush the field and headshot Ryan Shazier pregame for old times sake.

Viva La Tabula Raza

“Alright, got him. Are Darryl Stingley or Mike Utley in the stands, by any chance?”

King Hippo

I also need Juju Bee to outperform Tyler Boyd tonight, in order to fend off BFC.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wat

King Hippo

DFO-ball! I am facing a Colonoscopy-named opponent, this not you??

https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/111098/matchup?week=4&mid1=4&mid2=2

Dead-on 50/50 tossup, one player left for each. Two top scorers in League this week, obvs! 😀

Game Time Decision

That’s me. I took over for BFC but wanted to honor the previous owner

Viva La Tabula Raza

Interesting to watch the ESPN pre-game to see how they try to polish the turd that is tonight’s game. Earlier there was a Bill Cowher felching session with the show’s hosts (don’t google “felching” on your work computer). It was kind of discomfiting to see Suzy K fondling Cowherd’s balls while she sang his praises to the heavens, I feel the need for a Silkwood Shower.
https://thumbs.gfycat.com/AccomplishedAgedAdeliepenguin-mobile.mp4

King Hippo

I should change my fantasy team name to “Felching Mimes”

Viva La Tabula Raza

Don’t make fun of cavemen. They invented music (with a push from Ringo).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYBNoFcvcWI

Porky Prime

I can’t remember the “artist” but I’m 99% sure that there is an Oakland Raiders themed hip-hop song that uses the tune from Caveman.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, John Matuszak was in the film, so I guess a rapping Raiders fan might have picked up on that.

Redshirt

I’ve been on the road for the past weekend so I’m out of the football loop. MNF’s in Pittsburgh, tonight? Okay, so what rejected squad of pond-scum do they have playing them?

JustStopDude

Whooooo! How about them Browns! Looking good!

Sorry…its my first day of vacation for the year. I have been drinking since 4 this afternoon. My typical boss sits me down “Holy shit JSD…you have 30 days to burn. If you show up tomorrow, you will be written up”

So drinky drinky….

Viva La Tabula Raza

Congrats to your Browns for pushing Baltimore’s shit in. That was cool.

JustStopDude

I’m in the family doghouse.

Everyone jumped to the Ravens when they moved. My older brother was a Steelers fans. My dad was a Colt fan and my younger brother was a [*Redacted] s fan…until the Ravens showed up.

Its always weird that once in a blue moon when the Browns beat the Ravens.

The funniest thing is I detested every job I did in Cleveland over the years. Other than Washington State, Ohio is the craziest, most racist state I have worked in.

God Cleveland sucks balls. But for some crazy reason, I have always been a Browns fans. God sports are weird….

Viva La Tabula Raza

Other than Washington State, Ohio is the craziest, most racist state I have worked in.

So, never worked in Texas, eh? Or maybe only in one of the relatively liberal large cities (which is Houston/Austin/El Paso/and mi casa San Antonio, but definitely not DFW). It’s the fucking 18th century down here, outside the big cities.

Redshirt

Yes. I enjoyed seeing that score.

Dolph Ucker

I also have been referred to as “heretofore incredibly shitty,” more than once.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was as recently as….
/checks watch