What is there to say? This game is not for the gentle of soul, nor the weak of stomach, the loose of bowels, the scurvy of teeth or the Giant of heart. I don’t think I’ve ever cheered for a truly dominant team that I knew was going to run train on a hapless opponent. Check that-back in my wee days I would sometimes (sometimes) watch the Canadian national hockey team destroy the Norwegians or somesuch. Guh. Of course I don’t recall a single detail of that. Where was I? Yeah, this one’s gonna be a disastercake. And I don’t know why we’re here-other than the fact that we’ll try to put together a cracker of a joke that might cause a total stranger several hundred miles away to unintentionally shart his sweatpants.
TO THE GAME!
Jizziants/Pats:
Let’s run this baby down, shall we?
-the two lead rb’s for the Giants are practice squaders
-Engram, Shepherd, Saquon and Gallman are out (so too are Burkhead, Dorsett and Chung)
-according to PFF, New York’s secondary is comfortably in last place in overall rankings. Opposing qb’s average 72.7% of their passes against them.
-Brady is 12-1 on Thursday Nights
-Rook qb’s are 0-12 vs. Bill Belichick at Gillette Stadium
So what I’m trying to say is, maybe kiss your kids (longer than 3.5 seconds is a no-no, and please! On the cheek for gosh darn sake!) or call your mom-whether it’s across the room or at the assisted living facility, it matters. So what if she confuses you for her actual favourite child, you’ll have given her joy, in that in her mind she wasn’t badgered by ‘the one I should have swallowed’.
Hey! The Sunday start is 9:30 EST sharp for Carolina/Tampa in Londontown. IT’S MANDATORY.
Type away…
Oh my god that was such fucking BULLSHIT! Eat my shit, NFL
GOAT Float!
seriously.
fifteen yards for that
BACK TO BACK SUDDEN CHANGE ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED
That was fucking glorious
JENORISCEPTION!!!
I still think tipped passes shouldn’t be recorded as interceptions
Danny Ten Cent trying to throw into really tight windows.
Kids distracted by movie: check
Gin and tonic: poured
Hockey, playoff baseball, and a sort-of NFL game: check
Remote: next to me
LET’S ROCK
Interception comes as BIG SURPRISE!
Edit: FOR BOTH SIDES!
SillyCuse is, like, EXTRA silly tonite
if you are a dude and have long orange hair and a basset hound, I might just gut you with butter knife
I do, however, love my 55 inch Samsung tv.
It won’t let you down like your Kids, it does what you tell it to, and if you beat the shit out of it, no one calls child services.
I’m JJ Fozz and I still hate my kids
If it’s any consolation, I don’t know them and I still think they’re awful.
WE went to get fried chicken and they were both such massive assholes that I walked out of hte place
Do you have a fire department or hospital where you can surrender them with no consequences near by?
Hog-tying my 12 year old and leaving him in a comically sized easter basket outside local fire hall/police department/sporting goods store
hey, it’s BALTIMORE. Plenty of good street corners where one can leave some white chill’uns and walk away.
c’mon, Shitty Wolves. Don’t look so shitty in front of Molly McGrath!
Sikh burn, bro.
Was it the camera or was that chain not fully stretched out?
A call that went against the Pats?
My Bengals play the Patriots later this season. I’m watching this a preview of things to come.
I benched Josh Gordon, so enjoy HIS 3 touchdowns tonight.
I benched Daniel Jones. Enjoy his square root of fuckall.
It looks windy. Did God play with the weather conditions before he clicked “Play Game”?
Guh. Everyone knows it’s Windy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsY8l0Jg3lY
I bought the 45 single of this song when it came out at the age of 8.
Troy likes like Lurch in 4K. and Buck wears blush like a whore
The DirectTV 4K broadcast has no commercials. am liking this
please don’t be 17, impeccable shoulder girl!!
Don’t worry she’s not.
She’s probably 16
WHEW! – Mark C., Green Bay, WI
Why on Earth has the line gone down in this game? Did I miss something or is it just heavy New York money coming in on the Giants?
weather methinks
Unpopular opinion that I doubt is that unpopular:
I still refuse to believe that Tom Brady should be considered the greatest NFL player of all time.
People were calling him the best ever in 2005 when he was still looking for a 4th ring. I came up with what I felt was a list of objective criteria that he did not meet, and despite his subsequent SB wins, he still doesn’t meet those.
Obviously he’s too 1% of all quarterbacks ever, but its impossible for me to ignore how he has had arguably the best coach ever guiding his career and providing him an amazing supporting cast, he plays in an era where QBs have more advantages than ever, and he plays in an absurdly influential sports city. Pretty easy to control sports narratives when the largest sports channel in the country is two miles down the road or where ever the hell the ESPN office is.
He’s a rich man’s troy aikman. But instead of emmitt Smith he gets to play the jets bills and dolphins twice a year
Rant over.
also consistently plays for under-market moneys, which gives them a YUUUUUGE competitive advantage
I’m sorry, but how is this view unpopular on this blog?
also, to challenge y’all’s worldview…I am not sure ah like this Trump feller too much
I am not sure ah like this Trump feller too much
also kisses his dad and his son on the lips
Honest Take: He’s in the conversation for Best Ever, but there is no one who is Best Ever because the rules and styles change so much.
You put the greatest QB from the 30s-40s in today’s NFL, he’s unable to handle the passing offense and fast speed of the game.
You put in the greatest QB from today in the 30s-40s, he won’t survive a season because the rules will be different and the safety won’t be the same.
Vontaze Burfict in today’s NFL is a monster who doesn’t deserve to play another damn down. You put him in the 1970s, suddenly he’s the greatest LB ever, who plays to the whistle and he’s a Hall of Famer.
You can’t compare players from different eras. Brady’s one of the best. Like Manning, Elway, Favre, Young, Montana….
This is correct. I never saw Johnny Unitas play a single, full game (let alone in real time). How do I compare and contrast that accurately?
Fucking Ay.
—Fred Williamson
[tries to raise hand to agree, fails]
-Darryl Stingley
Plus, fuck Belichick, it’s all to TB’s trainer’s credit.
(at work) (Conservative Talk Radio is playing)
Bill Cunningham: “All the Liberals Elites are trying to overrule our President. But real Americans like you and I stand with our President. They only want to destroy American, but you and I are only focused on how to Make America Great Again.”
Me (thinking): “Who was the actor who played that high pitched guy mad at D’Artagnan in Three Musketeers? Damn it! That’s gonna bug me all day.”
It was Paul McGann. That guy has some range.
The Disney version of musketeers? With sheen and Sutherland?
My grandpa took me to see that as a youngin’, then he grew resentful that my only exposure to “a classic” was the film and I never bothered to gain any deeper understanding
It was a good movie. Well acted. And Rebecca De Mornay. Enough said.
yeah, she always made me feel things
However, did not hold a candle to Richard Lester’s 1970s take on the story, Three Musketeers and Four Musketeers. Raquel Welch >>> Rebecca De Mornay. That’s probably more a generational opinion though.
DirectTV is broadcasting the Massholes shitshow in 4k.
She can handle my 4 Wood any day.
“I’m willing to bet that she works out.”
-K.H, Apex, N.C.
Tits and ass aside, that’s a helluva nice swing!
What swing?
in the ironic punishments department, one of the co-eds in the Wolven stands tonight (dressed as a courtesan) is my own kid. I did manage at least not to say anything about it.
Why is your team doing black and white? That ain’t make no sense!
SUPPORTING TEH TROOPS!!111
also, we are the red and white (and sometimes black) of State
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIawk-9PApw
Present
hey ur not Murray!
Those pre-game fuckers are not in Foxboro.
found a funny:
I want a Joker type movie, but about the fucked-up circumstances that led that guy to become Mr. Bean
Finding My Playhouse: The Origin of Pee Wee Herman
now THAT I would watch
That’s the lens I chose to view Blackadder through.
So today was colonoscopy day. I was glad to get that out of the way, the prep is fooking ‘orrible. Results a-ok. But they said I shouldn’t have anything alcoholic for the rest of the day. Why the fuck not? I’m home, not driving, and my team is playing tonight. I’m having a pitcher of beer margaritas for the game tonight. Maybe I’ll do an edible too; I took tomorrow off so I can get the 4-day Indigenous Holocaust Celebration weekend.
Yeah that drink is so vile I could only finish half of it for prep before i just started throwing up trying to drink anymore. Still was as clean as a whistle.
It’s weird, the one I got was six ounces of clear fluid that tasted sorta like spoiled cherry kool aid, taken once the night before and once at 4 AM, but I didn’t have any problem throwing it down. The after-action report even complimented the cleanliness of my ascending, transverse, and descending colons, suggesting I guess that I obeyed all of the directions.
Pitchers of beer margaritas: We’re getting you accustomed to the most vile of beverages. You’re welcome.
My friend, I’ve been doing the beer margaritas since I learned how to make them back in ’06 down in Rocky Point Mexico. I think DFO was still swimming around in KSK’s balls back then, from what I can gather…
Just a friendly poke at a guy I enjoy interacting with. Nothing more. I mean, you could make fun of my… Huh! There’s not really anything about the way I do things that you could possibly make fun of.
Oh no, my defensiveness was only an affectation… My enjoyment of this site relies much on the nudge nudge wink wink passive-aggresiveness that goes into so many of the commentary exchanges here. Ya know, like if I said FUCK YOU SCOTCHY!!
heard the horror stories, think I shall just take my cancer and die
(Ding dong)
Me: (opens the door to see Ty Domi)
Me (wearing a gimp suit): “Eh, close enough.”
How does Ding’s dong fit into this scenario?
It’s all a part of that mastubatory NBA scenario I mentioned earlier.
/Luol D(i)eng, you see
Checking in.
How many handjobs did you get on your way to your seat?
Not enough.
Red 10 standing by
So redshirt, as you’re not on slack, I gotta ask ya here, you ready for Saturday?
(I won’t name what it is, for the heathens around us)
I’m kind of nervous. I’m mean I never done something like this with so many people watching, but they said I’ll enjoy it and everyone will know all the Safe Words and it will…
Oh, you mean My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic ending. Honestly, I’m feel out of it in Season 8. I watch important episodes, but I don’t watch every week anymore.
Wow, NFL Network is really beating the shit out of two games that happened 7 and 12 years ago to try and generate excitement about tonight’s matchup. Dudes, I took possession of a puppy the day of the last NYG SB win, and that dog is so old now that I’m wondering how much longer it’ll be before I have to have her put to sleep.
Would you like to lie down on all your championships and tell us how you feel?
I would. Poor Gertrude, she’s so sweet.
I need no DNA test. Decilitre is getting pictures done tomorrow and just tripped over a chair, then faceplanted. I AM THE FATHER.
Not gonna lie-the pace of this Taranna/Tampa Bay game is insanecakes. Entire game should be over in 35 minutes. It’s 4-3 with 42 seconds left in the first.
/edit
I’m sorry to say I was profoundly disappointed watching “Gemini Man”. Its like they never even paid attention to the source material!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoQAS2O7Nc4
I’m honestly more disappointed that you spent money to watch a will Smith movie in 2019.
I’m honest even more disappointed that you don’t realize I’m joking about spending money on Will Smith.
And I’m disappointed in your apparent inability to recognize faux disappointed.
Don’t worry, you wouldn’t be the first. My x-men power is turning off other people’s sarcasm detectors
Same here. I’ve had to defuse many pissed off people ready to throttle me because they failed to read my sarcasm.
Lightning/Leafs finally score?
Leafs: Infinity Lightning: Infinity +1
“Defense? Where we’re going Marty (St. Louis), we won’t need defense.”
Good News: San Diego might be getting a football team after the 2026 season.
Bad News: It may be the Bengals.
[starts writing a script-tentative title is ‘Bad News Bengals’]
At least you’ll still have the Browns
Yeah, I’m thinking I’ll be a refuge to the Browns or Colts bandwagon. I’m doubting Steelers because my dad may still be alive and he’ll kill me dead if I ever root for them.
The Colts. Now there’s a loyal, reliable franchise.
At least you’ll have Marvin Lewis to stablely see you through the transition proccess and into the next century.
This NHL home opener pregame ceremony is so self-masturbatory, I thought I was watching any regular season NBA game.
/no offence china
Wings/Canadiens?
Yup. I guess it is Montreal, so that explains it.
Between Kotkaniemi, Athanasiou, and Abdelkader, these announcers are gonna need some more alphabet soup.
Isn’t every instance of masturbatrory, by definition, self-masturbatory?
What if it’s at a truck stop with a lady of the night? A quick HJ behind Stuckeys.
What if you use a vacuum cleaner?
Best ones are at the self-serve car washes.
“I Will Drink Your Wine And I will Eat You Too, Stupid Bullfrog!”
-Choi, to the world, to all the boys and girls, and all the fishes in the deep blue sea
Fuck you, Jeremiah.
I’d just settle for Mario Manningham along the sideline…
JR: “Well Jones is hurt. It looks like Eil Manning will get one last change to save his… Wait a minute. Good God, Tony! You gotta be kidding me! That’s Jeff Hostetler’s music!!!!”
[Minshew’s mustache awkwardly crawls up his nostrils at the sight of Hostetler’s]
I could use some more Pornhub search terms…
Britteny White, just enjoy. otherwise moist cake.
pony
May as well get this out of the way before the series ends this Saturday.
I don’t clop to this though. I’d vote for Dear Leader first.
“A Windmill and a Hole-In-One”