What Week 8 lacked in greatness, it made up for it with folly.  Oh, folly abounded.

Chi****/ex-San Diego played perhaps the derpiest game I have ever seen, at least without weather playing a major role.  Bollo del Verdad remained atrocious.  Matt Nagy wisely ran, ran, then ran some more…for most of the game.  But then he got itchy, and Mitchy turned it over twice.  He really is liquid shit, y’all.  Apprapos of their name, Clippers du Merde tried super hard to shart the win away, via Laserface lollipops, poor field awareness, and timely homages to BLEERGH (praise be).  But down 1 point with a minute or so left, Nagy decided he didn’t even need to try running the ball to get inside the 20.  Nay, he even TOOK A KNEE and moved it back 3 yards.  And Piniero, having already doinked in the first half…narrowly missed doing it again.  No, not inside the post, but leaking wide left.  17-16 Clips, in a match truly nobody deserved to win.

I laughed so hard, I almost cried.  And Karma bit me in the ass for it, with Jacoby Brissett making an amazing play (just like he often did at NC State – dude has incredible balance and lower body strength), shaking off Von Miller’s clinching safety, and hitting TY Hilton for a 40-yard pickup.  Now, Denver had played incredible defense all day, and still led 13-12 courtesy of a shanked Old Man Vinateri extra point.  So it was quite curious that Frank Reich decided to Nagy-like settle for a 52-yard FG, running 2 negative yard plays (and not even running the whole clock out, since Denver called timeout).  But of course the old motherfucker made it, and Flacco shit himself in desperation time.  15-13, Humps.  Mister Elite also (somewhat rightly, but still not a good look) ranted against the conservative playcalling after the game.  Uh…Joe?  The playcalling was conservative because you fucking suck out loud.

Gonna try a little visual here.  Because you seriously can’t put into words this hilarious Team MRSA play:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBkTYnJztuc

Rapey Jameis also contributed his usual bushel of turnovers, but Tampa STILL might have won the game, if not for a quick whistle on what should have been a fumble return for 6 after a questionable Tits fake punt attempt.  Bruce Arians was not amused, but DonT gets a bananacakes victory cigarette for the second week running.

Last week, I said that the Matt Schaub Falcons would be the worst side in the NFL.  But then Schaub did something really interesting – throwing for 460 yards, almost exclusively in garbage time.  The maths on doing that are really quite impressive.  27-20 SeaTruthers is your deceptively close final score.

Not deceptively close – Santa Clara’s pride and joy running absolute train on the Black Panthers, 51-13.  Though the Fightin’ Tomsulas certainly could have made it worse had they really been so motivated.  Tevin Coleman visited the touched down are 4 times, and barely played in Q4.  Charlotte got to 13 via FG, safety, TD, 2-pointer – I always enjoy super non-traditional paths to a normal looking score.  This team (Santa Clara, NOT Charlotte obvs) looks Superb Owl bound.  And maybe sports talk radio is just a wee bit full of shit, and Cam Newton is needed after all.

You really might have the two best defensive units in the salary cap era (see Tomsulas above), playing in the same season.  New England turned #ThePauls over on THREE – yes, 3 – consecutive first quarter snaps.  Punctuated with this ridiculous fat guy pickerception, which I deem funnier than The Buttfumble:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP3fyg6kXDI

Dreamboat looks mediocre at best, and it doesn’t matter in the least.  The P*ts D/ST is 1985 Bears-caliber.  27-13, with the elements likely keeping it from being a SF/CAR scoreline.

Remember how last season, high-powered offenses were all the rage at the top of the NFL food chain?  Suffice to say things have come full circle in 2019.  Sucks that the P*ts are one of them, because I really appreciate the art of defensive FITBAW.

The WKRP crew went across the pond…and mostly hung with RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!  Beatie Mixon showed signs of life, finding holes and catching a short TD.  But Red Rocket and the passing game contributed fuckall, and the Bungles’ zone left Cooper Kupp wide the fuck open.  220 and a score.  WOW.  24-10 is your final.  I had the weird premonition that CIN or MIA would finally get a win this week…so lube up, Yinzers.  Or I am just hilariously wrong, as usual.

There was an insane amount of craziness in the 500s/Raiders tilt.  But the bottom line remains – Deshaun Watson is just manifestly unfair.  Not even Coach Buttchinski can keep that man down.  Pre-Vegas drove into HOU territory late, but Gruden chose not to waste his 2nd PI challenge on a 3rd and long.  Watson and pals then picked up a few first downs to run out the clock, winning 27-24.  Oh, and Watson got kicked in the freaking face on his epic scramble/TD combo that won the game.

Breesus Christ returned to the Superdome, and beat the Qardinals 31-9.  However, this was a close contest most of the way, and Brees really didn’t look much/any better than Teddy Ballgame.  Still, N’Awlins is playing really good defense, and that should make them quite dangerous in January.  Chase Edmonds also died, leaving AZ with only a white RB.  Who the Fuck Liouns cut.

Speaking of the Fuck Liouns – they fairly comfortably beat the Gigantes, with a late Noo Yawk TD likely covering the spread (31-26).  Both of these teams are just really weird, outside the consistent excellence Saquon Barkley provides.  No revenge for Golden Taint, though he had a decent stat line.

Many folks thought that Buffalo/Philly would be the game of the day, and 40+ mph winds offered great potential for entropy.  But the Iggles mostly just popped the competence bubble, pulling away late to win 31-13.  What was with all these fuckers scoring 13 points today?  Even NYG’s 26 was a multiple of 13.  Absolutely fucking NOBODY can logically explain these schizophrenic Birds.

Duuuuuuvvvvvval’s PA announcer played “Ghostbusters” to honour Sam Darnold, which is awesome.  Darnold was excellent on his first drive, then shit the rest of the way.  The Jest did manage to get back within 7 late, but Minshew Magic extended the lead right back to 14, and that was that.  29-15 is an aesthetically pleasing score.  Says me, anyway.

Finally, Sunday Night Footy, the torch passing from A.A. Ron to Mahomes-y.  Except that the latter remained on clipboard duty, thanks to that somehow-not-horrific knee injury suffered in Denver.  Matt Moore sufficed to get THAT win, but Green Bay seemed too big of an ask – homefield notwithstanding.  The Cheesefarts marched down the field for 6 to open the game, and never looked back (though Matt Moore had a VERY productive Q2, reminding us of Fat Andy’s excellent coaching chops).  Shady’s Q3 fumble really sealed KC’s fate – you gift Rodgers points, you lose.  Still, great fight put up by the undermanned Chefs (31-24).  All of a sudden, there are SIX pretty good teams in the NFC, in bins of three (Hippo Ordering – Tomsulas, Saints, Packers, (decent dropoff) SeaTruthers, Non-Gendered Cowpersons, Vikings).  Those playoffs should be worth watching, as opposed to Grumblelord beating the shit out of the rest of the AFC.

Remember – we get Glorious Mandatory 14-hour Viewing Window next week.  Suck it up, 500s/Jaguras is a pretty decent morning tilt, and you REALLY DO get that extra hour of “Fall Back” sleep right beforehand.